I have a bag of angries.... cats too

Let me begin this post by showing you all this amazing guy, I want him for my wall. So lets say you stumble upon one of these round the end of August and you just happen to be invited to my birthday party that weekend... yeah, I want him.

Now I am not one to whine, but these last few days have been so hard to get through. I've had enough of the poison coursing through my blood. I've had to rely on Tylenol for weeks, and just having to take all that acetaminophen makes me feel ill. This is bullshit and I am starting to get fed up. I also feel like I am in a fog most of the time, I can't find a way to function without a ridiculous amount of sleep and I feel like a shell of the woman I used to be. I honestly feel like if I could be an alcoholic right now I would be. I feel like smoking and not giving a shit. I spend most of my day drinking water, looking for water, being thirsty, and then drinking more water. Now I wonder what this stuff did to me, and what potential long term effects I will have to endure down the line. I was forced into this horrible cancer lifestyle that you have no choice to live. There are some good days, there are days that parts are great and then later on I feel terrible, but then there's less good days and your body is just exhausted and worn down. I listen to my doctors who have cold hands, they smile but don't spend too much time around you, symptoms don't matter to them unless there is cancer. They treat your cancer and nothing else.

I also want to express my frustration over the whole industry around cancer in general.

How many Billions go every year to Breast Cancer research  (I suspect because everybody loves titties) and you see people who are going to die of the disease promoting it with head to toe Pink Ribbon clothes made out of chemicals that cause cancer! I am sorry to be so blunt, but I was blown away by the women coming into the cross wearing breast cancer hats and shirts and sweatpants, yes, sweatpants. It's not a sports team. They were wearing uniforms.

I found that several women who chose to advertise their cancer would have very negative things to say, and would try and play little head games with other patients. They would talk about all the people in their small town that had horrible deaths from cancer and giving the disease so much power by almost beholding it. It wasn't what I wanted to talk about while having chemo. One other woman said, "melanoma? I didn't know that was a real cancer" and "you have to have chemo for that?" 

I suppose it is just being surrounded by all that disease and realizing you are sick too that is starting to weigh on me. I am tired of feeling like the sick girl and I want to get back to life and really live it. More than ever. That's my plan at least.It is an industry, cancer, oncologists specialize in cancer and they make money to put their patients in trials.

When I first met with my oncologist, he mentioned I may qualify for a new drug called yervoy, depending on the size of my metastatic tumour, which he made it sound exciting or something, like it would be great to get me into this trial. We talked about interferon, and I decided to do it. Then I went home and researched this new drug yervoy and it was for a late stage cancer. So now I am thinking, do they think there is more cancer in me?
Sure enough I have my surgery a few days later, and ten days after I get the results back and thank Lucifer there is no malignant cells, I get the all clear.
And it is interferon for me.
It is a head game, melanoma.
You have to believe you are doing something good for yourself in combating disease.
That is a part of treatment.
It's not over when you finish taking the drug- a whole new chapter begins.
Life after treatment, wondering what it did, if it worked and killed all of it...

These are things I think about.

Wow, that was an emotional garbage dumping, I feel much better.
I now have unloaded my misery on to others.
 Heheheh.
So that's what's inside my bag of angries, everyone gets a bag full from time to time, or all the time.... everyone is different. I just happen to have a bag full today, and felt like telling all you fine readers of mine.

Now, for some CATS and other dumb shit!

Princess Sabbie sleeps where she pleases.

Salem, black as night

Now I hate to admit this but I have a strange attraction to Joe Elliot when he sings "pour some sugar on me".... uhhhh.....

But really, how badass is he with his band tank top on stage sweating like a beast. I will admit to be a Def Leppard fan, though I do enjoy the joke:

What has nine arms and sucks?
DEF LEPPARD
HAHAHAHAHA
I am actually laughing right now. That is always funny to me.

I am watching hoarders right now, and of course these houses are extreme cases of sick people who have  dead animals swallowed up by the hoard, with some absolutely horrifying messes and this is not me, I assure you. But I will admit to having some hoarding tendencies. For example I have a hard time parting with dishes, cups, mugs, stuff like that.  I refuse to part with the old mugs my parents gave me I used as a child. Matt forced me to part with some, and it wasn't easy. I probably only wanted to part with four or so, and did give away a few more in the end but it wasn't easy. I have sentimental feelings attached to my dishes. Matt and I got all kinds of nice plates and bowls and mugs for our wedding gifts but I didn't want to part with my Grandma's old plates.

Hmm... dish hoarder.
There are worse things I suppose.

-E.