Friday night picture show

-E.

Bangor Mash and other important things

Today I accomplished many important, meaningful things!

I got to work on time, didn't hit anyone with my car, put up with a few customers egos's and a couple princesses, ate an inedible staff meal, made my moms lashes thicker and more luscious- one of the easier jobs of my easy day- watched several Real Housewives of New Jersey and even polished off a bottle of pink champagne, all by myself!

(Might I add that wasn't a difficult task, the pink champagne. No I am not alone, I'm with my cats!)

Wait, I also got two gigantic cookies in me so far, a third cookie is looking at dying a brutal death at the hands of a ravenous beast that could care less how fat they could make it, these fucking cookies days are numbered, more like hours, ok? 

DO YOU COOKIES UNDERSTAND ME, HOURS! THAT'S IT!

I also had a good FaceTime ConVo with my bestie best best best, J. Dixon of course, he listens and even embraces the beast that emerges from within me once a month, leaving a path of carnage in it's wake, not always intentional, even when I wake up after a 10 day rage and feel like a total asshole, John never lets me feel like an asshole or a bitch, just a fabulous lady.

At least I can admit the beast rules the universe once or ten times a month, the storms and natural catastrophes that happen during that time are probably caused by my PMS beast, raining Hellfire and destruction upon the Earth. 

I know what you're thinking:

That is so metal, yes, PMS makes me into the most intense Black/Death/Viking Metal band you've ever heard, yes, a one WOMAN band, with all 3 metal subgenres involved, kicking your ass over and over again.

I have become a master of my own PMS.

If this is sharing too much come back when I'm gardening or playing with children and puppies, but if you're still reading at this point you're in too deep to turn around now.

Here's the thing, I become INSANE once a month, certifiably, and this is known in my small circle but those who don't know that I am still insane every month have been fooled by my act, mission accomplished.

Well let me just BLOW ALL THAT UP right now with this declaration of insanity, I'lll sign and date it too.

I know I get moody on a regular basis but the few days and first week of the month can be ugly if I don't keep that beast in chains, Lord help those who believe he will save them from my wrath.

During my illness I either couldn't keep this beast in chains, out for blood flesh death etc., or I was just too tired to be angry or beastly and let my shell drain. 

Things are back in control for me so I feel like I can control this beast again, but the beast still lives. That is a good thing that I am ok with.

I suppose it's how you channel it.

What if I just lived in a world where everyone turned crazy every month, where I wasn't forced to just call myself a bitch for having hormones, because everyone in the world experienced the same things I did? I wonder this from time to time.

Also from time to time I do wonder, has this image of the devil worshipping evil c*nt- 

(The star instead of a U is for my mom just in case she's reading) 

-of a bitch created by men, like in medieval times, or during the salem witch trials, where all sins could be passed off to the evil woman with all her wiles and quirks and wisdom that just doesn't fit in with our male dominated society, and I keep up with tradition and burn myself over and over again secretly so I don't have to trouble those around me with a burning of their loved one at the stake by Men and young girls, or maybe I just do it for society as the female martyr that we need everyday so we don't have to be guilty. 

Ok this is getting a little deep here.

I apologize.

Actually I don't this is my godamm fucking blog, I can say whatever I feel like saying!

Yes, NO APOLOGIES!

So my major project of the evening is the pink champagne I 've been consuming since about 830, and this hip arthritis or whatever in fuck this shit is just disappears at first sip of booze, good thing, bad thing, you decide, laugh out loud.

Ok so this Oyster Bay Sparkling Rose is making me say things I'll regret tomorrow, kinda like those "Texts from last night" but in a blog shamelessly written for the world to see, my mental illness yet to be diagnosed.

So that's that, I'm going to leave you with that information and STFU, and show you some pictures, YAY!!!!

LIBATIONS!

DINNER #1

DINNER #2

FaceTime With my BesTie.

Can't figure out what I am doing with my fingers in this shot, or if that is even one of my fingers, I have no fucking clue honestly!

If you look closely you'll see a big black kitten on me.

It's a Devil Makes Three kind of night.
I don't have to say anything at all when I hear this band play.

Watch this now this band rules all.

http://youtu.be/KMNXndsE4wk

-E.

Bunchfuck

Well I sure left y'all on a bleak note, but the new news is.....

"WE GON' KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON"

(Imagine me speaking in my Alberta/Southern accent, the only accent I can do)

So ENOUGH about the Jig-Jank, it's good sometimes and bad other times, but thats ok I can deal with it!

This week has been pretty good so far, well the last few days at least, and I even got a suprise prezzy from my husbian.....

MOCCASINS!

I've wanted black moccasins for a while, since I became a slipper person last winter.

Matthew knows me well, so he found these and brought em home to mama!

So I got moccasins, payed and officially registered in the psych program at Atha U, got my very first CREDIT CARD that is MINE, and not my parents or Matt's really!

I won't post a picture of that because only fools would put their Credit card numbers online, I'm not that stupid!

Now don't worry now, I have this Credit card for school mainly, it ain't gonna be cheap to get me an edumakayshins.

Then Matt and I had a delicious lamb slider dinner at my 'rents last night, and went to sleep with a happy wine buzz.

Started my work week today with unusually bright eyes and bushy tail waking up refreshed though I shouldn't have been because I was a night owl last night and stayed up later than I normally do.

That to me says the universe is aligned and I feel in balance and grounded.

New Moccasins help with that.

But like I said, I am tired of hearing myself complain and I am going to move on for the moment and quit m'bitchin', and start this entry off with the best french toast recipe you've never had! Why? Because it's my SECRET recipe!!!

Oh and I haven't shared a recipe in a while, and it would be cruel of me to withhold this recipe from the world!

I rarely feel like eating french toast in the morning, I feel picky and easily nauseated in the morning, not just when I'm hungover!

I think French toast makes a wicked dessert or midnight snack.

I developed a maple syrup fetish while on treatment, I don't really know why but I would sometimes crave it, and when I did it was in the evening.

That's when waffles, pancakes and french toast became my midnight snack choice, and I would just gorge on it until I felt pukey.

I call it

FRENCH FRY BREAD!

(In that accent again)

SO EASY.

YA NEED:

A bowl

A frying pan

1 egg per slice of bread

A fair amount of butter, don't be shy with it now

LOTTA Cinnamon - The most important ingredient! Think four good dustings.

Brown sugar- a good crumbling

Maple syrup of course!

Turn up that element you prefer, everyones got one, for the frying pan I need the back left.

Turn it up to a medium high heat.

High medium heat? Ya know what I mean. Then slap a fattening amount of butter in there and let it melt, it's ok if it burns just a little, makes it more delicious!

Crack your eggs in a bowl and add the cinnamon and brown sugar, sometimes I even add a little melted butter... 

Take a fork and whip the shit out of those eggs, until the yolks are mixed in and there is no lumps.

Dip your bread in that egg slather, which should be brown from the cinnamon, if it's not add more you didn't add enough.

I should mention that thicker slices of bread work best, less likely to fall apart.

Soak the pieces of bread in it, then toss em in the hot butter in the frying pan, giving each side like 3 minutes or so, it's finished when its dark brown and crispy.

Drown those puppies in maple syrup and chow down.

You know Elephant ears you can get at the midway or folk fest, with cinnamon and sugar, that's what these amazing french fry breads taste like, and if yours isn't 

THE BOMB DIGGITY

Then you did it wrong, but come on over here I'll feed you some of my french fry bread!

Lets see that glorious fry bread again:

Yeeeeaaah. 

When the munchies strike, make some fry bread, hot diggity that shit be delicious!

IN OTHER NEWS

This last weekend was a good ol' time with my homey J. Atom, and her entourage of Siamese kitten children.

Jess and I went to high school together, and ever since those years way back everytime I come to her house she shows me weird movies and cartoons, we dig through her old pics and we talk about music, tattoos, girl stuff, crazy cat lady stuff, ect.

She also showed me how to navigate the Athabasca University site and library, and the textbook of the course I am registered in and her meticulous notes and different shades of highlighter.

We drank enough beer to have us drunkenly exchanging "all the shit that bugs us" about whatever, always a great time with J. Atom!

Anyways here's a couple of her cats!

Not the best picture I ever took but this is Grendel the Tonkinese, he is lovely and has the best

MURR

Not quite a meow, a mellow grumble.

I love him!

This is Buster a Lynx point polydactyl, look at his thumbs!

He's precious and handsome and likes warm spots.

Here's Grendel aka Grumbles turning away from the camera, he doesn't like camera flash, what a beautiful meowy though!

There is two more, Melville and Willie not pictured because they were just too fast for my drunk camera maneuvering.

Jess and her man mate Chris, or just X, which I think he should totally go by, I'll have to share that idea with him.... anyways they introduced me to THIS BAND, which I have to say rules and this album is fucking rad. 

EMBRACE THE HEAVINESS OF KVELERTAK!!!

http://youtu.be/sQR7EWxgRW0

If you've ever seen the movie Trollhunter then you may recognize their Norwegian brand of Black n' Roll brutal and melodic hammer in your face metal!

Now WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!

http://youtu.be/r7sIqyoRFiU

So Kvelertak is my band of the moment, if you see me driving by I could have it blaring offensively out of my car, that's the best.

Ok I gotta admit, I've been keeping up with the latest Here Comes Honey Boo boo and it's totally on right now so I gotta close with this:

-E.

Keep on Keepin' on.

OK SO I FINALLY KNOW WHY MY LEG IS JIGGED!

I have some type of degenerative joint issue, yet to be fully diagnosed, but...

IT'S NOT MELANOMA RELATED..... YAY!!!!

Oh the small and bitter victories of my life.

Ok so I don't have cancer again, that's great, but wow, you know your life is shitty when you are actually celebrating that fact, and instead you have something else and you get to live yes, but in pain all the time.

So here is how I went about getting this information.

I called my doctor because usually if you wait they will have your results for days without calling you and leave you on the hook because it's not going to immediately kill you so they have a few days.

Sure enough they were there.

Nothing against this doctor, all doctors are the same in that way, and busy as fuck, I know their world doesn't revolve around my health, I get that, but I am my own advocate and now that I've been through-

"The System"

I know how to navigate it and make people answer my questions instead of sitting alone in the dark.

So like I say I call my doctor, this one is the new Family GP, and of course the reception girl can't give me my results over the phone, so she says, 

"Well, you can come into the walk in clinic and wait about 2 hours to see another doctor, but doctor Marcu only works Tuesday through Thursday- (must be nice) you probably won't be able to see her tonight, but you can make an appointment."

Being told someone knows if you won the lottery or being put in jail for life, but they won't tell you, it's enough to make one almost lose it over the phone, well, me that is.

I said (after grumbling for a moment)-

"Ok, fine, I will call my dermatologist. He gives me answers over the phone."

 Or at least his nurse will.

I call the skin office and they know my voice and like me because I bring them Ruth's Chris gift certificates, so the reception lady says she has the results in front of her, but again, she can't give me any answers but my nurse CAN! Imagine my excitement.

They are so busy there so I expected to wait a little while for the call, but since I don't have much patience I call back an hour later.

Lady whats her name goes, 

"Oh Rachel didn't call you yet? I'll go get her."

Rachel gets on the phone and right away just says,

"No. It's not metastases." 

Of course that's the first thing she says.

She's like,

"It's just a degenerative cartilage issue."

My first thought, is of course, THANK LUCIFER it's not melanoma.

JUST a little issue with the cartilage in my hip!

Then I think, ok, I am not crazy and I have a real pain for a real reason.

I thank Rachel profusely and go back to work sharing the news with my dad and then Matt and my mom and John, then it hits me, that's not the greatest news I've ever received, WTF, I am 29, and that's an old people issue.

Then I started thinking about my Grandma on my moms side and her 3 hip replacements, my uncle John from my dad's side recent hip replacement, and then I said to my dad, 

"Wow I got all the shitty genes didn't I?"

He agreed.

Lovely.

 I realized the other day I don't like to hear myself complain, so I am going to do my best to be whiney or feel too sorry for myself, but, really?

So I am going to get a couple of paragraphs of anger and frustration out on this page.

I feel like the universe has just been using me as their toilet, shitting on me all the time while I try my best to be the best person to others that I can possibly be, as if that matters in the big picture.

There could be a few people around that may think I am a mean horrible witch, and to these people that's how they see me, for my mistakes and that's all, I know I have had some bitch moments that stand out in my life, but obviously it doesn't matter if you try to "redeem" yourself to the universe or others, it will still take a shit on your head.

So what has this taught me? 

That it doesn't matter if you are a good person or a bad person, neither guarantees anything in life.

Then I think about that song,

"Only the good die young..."

In a way that makes some sense, because even if the person wasn't a "good" person it is such a tragedy to lose a young life that everyone is going to highlight the good in that person, and even people that dislike the person or barely know them come out shocked and acting like a bereaved friend, unfortunately we all know I am right about this.

The basic lesson here is, be evil, it doesn't matter, being nice ain't going to get you any mileage on your life as you know it.

Shit is going to hit the fan then hit you in the face, you are going to get pissed on, friendships will dissolve overnight, you may lose a job or fail, you might get sick, or people you love might get sick or die.

Yeah, harsh I know, but that's the damn truth.

If you are still reading, I will thank you for sharing in my shit, and if you laugh, even better, I don't want yours tears man, I just want your company in my misery!

Well it's no ones fault, and I feel a little better bitching to the world about my endless loads of ailments and challenges though I will tell you the cider I am 4 cans into this evening started out as a celebratory beverage, but has turned into a tool to self-medicate and drown my sorrows.

So HOW do I end this whiney ramble, and not be a whiner anymore and just get on with it?

Good question.

I am kinda in FUCK YOU MODE at the whole universe right now, and trying to just lower my expectations so the disappointment will stop, and the bar keeps getting lower and lower.

Ok, I will end this by saying what you might be thinking,

THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

This is as true as everything else I said about life.

Keep on keepin' on is allllllllll you can do.

-E.

Wednesday Update

UPDATE!

THERE IS NO NEWS YET!

Yeah I know all of you have been riveted by my last couple entries about the jiggity-jank leg, checking Hex every hour on the hour, on the edge of your seats to hear the reason of this mystery pain, but I don't know anything yet.

The scan was actually 3 seperate scans.

John took me so I was in the best possible company, and I waited a little while then they took me down the snakey hallways of the Hy's and sat me down and had me sign a waiver for the radioactive shot I had to take in my arm (Not my favourite kind of shot if you know what I mean) and so I fill out this short waiver and then the girl tells me to go back to the main waiting room to wait for her to call me in about 10 minutes. I was like, uhhh ok... thinking, couldn't I just sit here? K whatever bitch I'll go back.

Probably 6 minutes later they call me again and I go back to the same chair way in the back of this huge place, and this time I get my needle.

A radioactive shot is really weird.

First you have a weird metal taste in your mouth then you feel like you're wetting yourself, last time I had a warm rush up my whole body but this time I didn't... then this girl tells me to go shopping or something and come back in two hours.

TWO HOURS? I said, but much more politely than this looks, but inside I am like

WERRRRTTT THERRR FERRRRRKKK?

It takes a couple of hours to make your bones all glowy and stuff

 she explains, in a longer more non-laymen term kinda way.

That was ok though, I was hungry and John and I both wanted to shop, so we went on down to Kingsway for some retail and Tim Hortons therapy.

We ate up 2 hours pretty quickly being the retail whores we are, and before you know it it was time to go back.

Come back in, wait some more, had a really burny blue piss, (from the radioactive shot) wait some more again, then get taken in for a full body scan.

This circular thing slowly scanned me from toe to head, and then hovered above my head for 5 minutes, which with my claustrophobia issues made me freak out a little inside, obvs I didn't show it, but I was relieved when it slowly moved off my head!

It hovered around me silently in different spots for about 30 minutes total. Kind of creepy. Once that was done I waited a little more and then got another scan where you just hold your leg up to this thing while it does it's thing and about 20 minutes later that's done.

MORE WAITING for the doctor to come back and see if they got enough pictures and shit, then they finally let me go, a total of almost four and a half hours, GERRRD!

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...

My leg started to feel better Monday and today is Wednesday I haven't taken any painkillers for a couple of days now, so I see this as a good sign. 

I am SO not worried now.

I was, but then I realized I was ignoring my true intuition, and when I just tune out all the crazy shit in my head and focus and think clearly I can be much more rational, and just threw away my worries and 

FUCK IT, at least I am taking action on these worries instead of sitting around letting that feeling fester.

I'm not wasting anymore time dwelling on what COULD happen.

I am just going to stop worrying and be awesome instead, it is so liberating to stop and let go.

I did manage to make the papers yesterday, not for being a maniac or anything, at least not this time!

http://www.edmontonsun.com/2012/09/17/american-dermatologist-dr-henry-lim-in-edmonton-at-the-university-of-alberta-to-call-for-a-ban-on-tanning-beds-amidst-rise-in-melanoma-in-girls-aged-15-to-29

I am a Melanoma star, I know.

WHAT ELSE?

The 3 cheap-o t-shirts I bought Monday have really brightened up my week!
If you are ever planning on buying me a present and you don't want to spend more than $10, just buy me a ridiculous t-shirt and I'll love you forever.

Here's some Instagram Pics of the T's in different cool looking filters!

Ok this one is hands down my favourite, my cat tux tee!

I like this one cause it's so sassy, like me!
Why be difficult when you can be impossible?

Today's Tee.
I swore that I would never buy a dumb KEEP CALM AND... t shirt, but when I saw this one I caved and spent the six bucks.

 You must be so jealous right now, either that or thinking that I am too old to be wearing silly t-shirts, but really I will never be too old for a t-shirt.

So don't worry, as soon as my doctor calls me to tell me that there's nothing wrong with ol' jiggity-jank leg and it is allllllll just in my imagination, I'll let y'all know.

IN CLOSING...

YOU MUST CHECK THIS SONG OUT!!!
Our good buddy Oakland plays the standup bass and part time vocals in this band, and they are world fucking famous now, touring the globe with their rockin' brand of Psychobilly ROCK N' ROLL!!! SO PROUD of these guys!!!

This is off the teaser for their 3rd album, COWBOY UP!

When the album drops I'll get a copy straight from these boys and share more with y'all, in the meantime chew on this!

http://youtu.be/x1_1yFYs4ec


-E.

All Jiggity-Janked and stuff for distraction

So I've had a lot of concerned calls and texts about the jiggity-janked leg, here's what is going on.

I had the ultrasound to check for any blood clots- yeah that scared me, but yay!

No blood clots.

 Wednesday I went to see my family doctor who actually cares about what's going on with me and she has ordered an emergency bone scan, which I am having on Monday, and this will show if the pain is caused by lesions on my bone or (worst case) a tumor. 

Not trying to scare y'all, just being honest, the worst possibilities have to be ruled out first.

I will admit it is a little frightening still.

At least this doctor really cares, I feel like I am in good hands with her.

As far as worrying...

At this point I get that there is so much 'hurry up and wait"and one thing that has helped me is to stay distracted by other things and not count the days. Lose track. It isn't easy to do, but overtime I've learned how to do it most of the time, and it works for me.

Even if I am going to receive bad news, I still got to live happily without that reality. Sounds kinda morbid but that is how I have to see things now, and just wake up everyday to enjoy my life and loves and nothing else.

Who knows what it is, but I engaged in some retail therapy and a poutine for todays distractment, tomorrow I will go to Noorish for din din with my momma, and Saturday I go to Calgary for a: 

PIG ROAST!!!!

My sister in law's family has one every year, and her dad is a pro pig roaster, and I am not against rotating just about any animal on a spit, well, no cats dogs, beavers deers or anything cute.

Pigs can be cute but they can also be delicious when roasted nicely.

I won't pretend to not be a carnivore.

I couldn't ever be a vegan because vegans are so pretentious and usually alcoholics, I just hate the attitude most vegans have, and they try and shame you for eating meat and why you shouldn't eat red meat, and how it's cruel to eat their cheeses and wear their leather shoes....

PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A big FUCK YOU to all you pretentious vegans out there.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!

Go drink a beer and get fat off your microwave vegan meals.

God I've been wanting to say that for sooooooo long.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

Mmmmm...monkey, koala and toucan stew... so... endangered....

NOT sure how that turned into a vegan rant, ok, I like some vegan food but I need meat or I would die. Without protein I'm sick, fainting, puking, I need chicken, I need meat.

SO ANYWAYS- Back to the Jiggity-Janked leg!

I am obviously relaxing, stretching my leg out when I can and I am not to drive or do jumping jacks or hike, ya know, climb walls and stuff like that until we know more about what's happening.

It was very frustrating that the emergency doctor fuckface or whatever his name was wouldn't give me even a few t'3s. 

Tuesday I had my ultrasound and I got a different doctor, a young, more sympathetic young woman.

She gave me a thing of t3's, five I believe, well, thanks, I guess...

So it is wonderful that my family doctor didn't want me to live in pain and prescribed me something nicer. 

So that's all I know right now, only tests will tell and that takes time.

In the meantime I am going to do whatever I please and do my best never to feel sorry for myself.

How about some random pictures?

Yeah, I have no fucking clue what this means, but it still makes me laugh.

A very very old snap of our girl Lindsay, around 1999.... she was the best goth ever.

She would colour her contacts red with food colouring, as you can see in this picture, that's not red eye from the camera, those are her rose coloured contacts.

She made us laugh by telling us how the red came out in her boogers and stuff when she blew her nose.

So obviously I fancy myself a sort of a witch so I have an alter that is dedicated to her right now.

This is a necklace I gave her sometime in high school, and going through her jewellery I found this and had shivers down my whole body. I grasped it and said, I gave this to her.

I gave this to her.

So here it is, I am just keeping it safe for her, it will always be hers.

I found this crazy angry two headed monster guy candle on her counter and had to have it, but not to burn it, she wouldn't burn a candle like this because it's too hilarious.

It will sit among the other candles though, always.

So this is a scary lady I found and said, oh my gosh who is taking her?

Everyone in the room said-

You are.

I imagine Lindsay had a hilarious name for her no one knows, but I can't help but think of her as LINZY

 Her high school goth persona. That is what she represents to me, kinda weird, maybe a little morbid really, but also comforting.

FAVOURITE THINGS THIS WEEK <3

Here are some things that have been keeping me sane during this crazy mixed up time happening here, first is miss cuddle princess Sabbie.

She always knows when I am taking out the camera to take a picture of her, and often she will open her eyes and pose a little and look right at you. She's the cutest kitty ever ever ever!

So I always have new MAC lipsticks, it is sort of like a treat I give myself for having a good day, or having a really bad day, or just "a DAY!"  maybe bi-tri-monthly ok maybe more.... anyways this one is from their pro longwear line which I highly recommend.

I have a few of these lipsticks and they DON'T COME OFF.

I wore one called Approaching storm, a dark rusty red in Montreal, and even after a night of excessive drinking and greasy poutine I STILL had my lipstick on, no bleeding or fading, it just stays in place.

 I never promote anything on my blog, but buy some MAC pro long wear, it rules.

These boots, errrmmrrrrgrrrrddddd these boots!

Scored 'em at the slut emporium... I mean SIRENS LOL.

For $40 baby, who could say no? 

Well clearly not me.

It's weird, but I prefer to wear higher healed/wedged heels in the winter because it keeps your feet off the cold cold ground! Of course you can't wear the high boots all the time and sometimes you are going to need something more practical, but to me looking like a rockstar all the time is more important than being 'practical" PSSSSSHHHHHH.

So that's all folks, I am loopy with el painkillerinos so it's time to hit the hay!

I shall keep you all updated about my jiggity-janked leg and what my neat-o bone scan says!

-E.