A hairy situation

So just a quick one with a few pictures, and blurb and maybe one link to a song. 

Melanoma took a lot from me, it changed me on so many levels. Once I was diagnosed stage 3 I was ready to fight hard and not give up, but I wasn't prepared for what treatment would do to my identity. After four months my hair started to come out in huge clumps in the shower, it got thinner and thinner and broke off on the ends, shortening it by a lot, until I broke and just cut it off.

To say I was devestated was an understatement. Slowly over the course of my treatment more and more hair disappeared and I started to feel ugly. I didn't recognize myself anymore; my identity was stripped away cruely. 

I dealt with it ok, in my way, by investing in lots of inserts of different colors, even had fun with the different colors and styles I could play with. Fake hair was probably the best investment I made in my well being while on a horrific and life-ruining treatment. After interferon I had a scary look of baby hairs growing in with straggly fly aways, brittle and straw like stressed tresses and it seemed like every day I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. They say hair isn't everything but it can be to a 20 something cancer patient who loses 2/3 of that hair. 

Every once in a while I snap a pic of the progress to see how far I've come. I credit the increased growth as of late to no more bleach, no more dye, expensive salon product and limited use of heat styling tools. There's a hashtag on Instagram- #LongHairDontcare but mine is #longhairICare. 

I'm happy.

It'll grow back they said. Well, it finally did. And I couldn't be happier. I finally feel truly myself, and siscors: no thanks. 😃

Since there's no songs about hair that I like, I'll just post a quick hair metal band tune, one of the best of the hair metal tunes ever, and I know my friend Jess will be rocking out to this one.

http://youtu.be/i3MXiTeH_Pg

Thanks for reading my weirdos, stalkers and loves. Without you I would care less about most everything in this wild world.

-E.

Wednesday Hexing

I CAN SEE MY FUTURE....

So for about twelve weeks now I have been working out for the first time since cancer treatment. I really let myself go, and it was delicious. Now, people can tell me all day I am not fat, the point is I couldn't fit a single thing in my wardrobe up there, and I was up there alright!

I have so far lost 12-15 pounds- it changes depending on water weight it seems- which is good and I am back in after-cancer jeans I bought but quickly ate myself to large to fit into...

I know I don't get like, obese. I just pack it on for my frame when I do, and it seems my ass needs it's own compartment because there is some serious junk in my trunk, which is great when it's not in the way of fitting pants.

 A couple months ago shopping was very depressing, I ran out of the mall horrified and sped home to have a jog, I decided my year long eat-a-thon was over, and my ass was hitting the pavement.

Gaining 20 pounds in a matter of months was alarming to me and so not like me but I was told it's a little pre-30 birthday present, how lovely.

Don't get me wrong, I am ok with curves and stuff, I don't want to lose all the weight I've gained since melanoma treatment ended, I look back at that time, I was a good 30 pounds under what I am now, and I was too skinny, I don't like it.

 I would much rather have some slopes and valleys than looking like a board with flapjacks nailed to it.

So tonight I broke the rules and lost all self control with this major cupcake craving that controlled me all evening, I found myself putting my shoes on and grabbing my car keys, then slapping myself NO!

It's not Faturday, a Saturday when you can cheat and have candy for breakfast and beer for lunch.

It's not even Fat Tuesday! It's ONLY Wednesday.

Boo.

Well John goes to bed and that cupcake voice is in my head just pounding louder and louder, so I jumped in my car and cruised to Macs, now I feel that same shame I had in the mall that day...

Oh well, 20 extra burpees for me tomorrow I guess.

So now for disappointing news...

TODAY was supposed to be my dad's lung surgery, and guess what IT WAS CANCELLED.

BAHHHHH

Next Tuesday now... so more waiting, not like there hasn't been enough yet.

It's great that we have health care up here but waiting for a bed for surgery is very scary.

I don't think anyone should have to go through the agonizing wait... sounds much easier than it is.

In a way you feel helpless, and you should, because your life is literally in their hands and by their I mean Alberta Health Services.

So now we wait... some more.

I can't say it was very surprising to hear it was cancelled...some would say that makes me a pessimist but I would say it makes me a REALIST! Welcome to Alberta!

IT'S ALL FREE!

TAKE A NUMBER!

Right now I'm having fun in the Governments waiting room myself anticipating my very first EI check EVER!

I know exciting right?!

The EI doesn't mean I'm not working, just sitting on my ass smoking doobies and cracking the books a couple hours a day, I AM working a little.... but shhhh don't tell Uncle Sam...;););)

I figure I might as well take advantage of it for now so I can focus more on school. 

For now.

We will see, I could get bored any minute and look for something else, but why when you can be propped up by funds that are yours, you paid for em, you don't get them when you retire, so why the fuck not I ask?

Don't see any reason yet why it's a bad idea.

Ahhhhhh, we will see how long I can milk that...

I think I've done enough blah blah blahing here for one night, gotta get a dose of tube before I sleep.

Plus I want to eat the rest of that cupcake and then wallow in my shame alone...

-E.

My name is Hex, not Grace

HEX IN THA HOUSE!!!

Slighted intoximacated! I fuckin deserve it because I finished my studies of my first course and all the moodle quizzes with a 90% and booked my final today in a month

!

It's a celebration bitches!

This one has been on my phone a while and since I am apparantly posted wine memes it's going up.

YES IT'S IN FRENCH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE IT! :)

This is from tonight, my dad gave a me a bottle of a nice wine I enjoyed after finally finishing up all the notes before review and enjoy the mark I have right now- then there's the final... GAHHH

SO BOTTOMS UP WEIRDOS AND QUEERS!

NOW TIME FOR A LITTLE ANIMOSITY!

SHIT MY NAME IS HEX NOT GRACE, THIS ISN'T A PLACE WHERE WE... I MEAN I CENSOR.

BOTTOM LINE.

Now if you don't feel like listening to my bit of anger than change the channel and read a "family blog."

I'm a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit pissed off still about my lay off. 

I get this is business this is how it works, but I can be as mad as I want about it, it was my career, it was something I built for myself starting at the coffee shop counter and it gave me a sense of purpose. 

I found my niche in the business and felt great doing my job just about everyday. My father leaves for his illness and I was immediately given the chop, get your shit and go, there were outright lies circulating about me that hurt my feelings and left me feeling betrayed by people I wanted to further the business with, make this more than about great food and service, make it special, make it memorable. I believe I accomplished that in my time there and so I don't look back like I did the job inconsistently, EVEN when I was sick myself and was only there 3 days a week.

Everyone lets me get two words of frustration in before they say  

FUCK EM! Don't worry about it, don't let it stress you.

Oh I reassure you it is not entirely stress because of course some of it is, you unexpectedly lose your job after 4 years, THERE IS GOING TO BE STRESS but it is mostly anger and bitterness, which I am allowed to have as long as I want.

The psyche can only stir angrily for so long before it costs you health and energy and vitality, but whats wrong with having a slam fest after the fact regardless of what you can do about it, you can let your anger pile burn a little while.

Ain't no shame.

This is an anger that pushes me forward, pushes me to be BETTER.

WHY IN HELL would I let my sad and angry feelings go by the wayside just to be "positive"?

Well fuck no, positive is how I live my life most days, in between:

Cancer.

Dealt with that like a champ.

Marriage failure.

Didn't let it stop me.

My fathers health.

Staying strong as I can for him.

Laid off.

It won't stop me either and I will be better, but my primary focus is SCHOOL and I am not working on a degree for 10 fucking years. 

I may be 29 but I deserve a chance to be left alone about not working full time or in anything serious as a profession WHY? Because I a student now.

That's why.

Not even life will throw me off the track I'm really on, I will accomplish my dream and no one can stop me, nothing can stop me.

For a few weeks after something hard there is a seething, and either you let it burn inside to only fuck you over more OR you let it loose, not only with loose lips and fuck this guy and fuck that guy I hate this and that and the other thing, LIARS!

I channel my anger well, I have kept up an active lifestyle and if I start crying anger firery tears of hell bitch on wheels with an appetite for flesh in killing mode I go for a run, kick a soccer ball and pretend its so and so's balls.

Feels good.

I will ride out the wave and then I'll be fine.

Sometimes people don't understand it, and that is ok.

It is a good coping mechanism for me, exactly why I head to a metal show and crowd surf or a get a tattoo after something crazy and hard, I always do. 

I can wear the tattoos and hold the memories of my killing of the dead horse again as my badge of honour.

So what's this entry, 

POSITIVE?

NEGATIVE?

DRUNKEN?

A little of all the above my friends.

So yeah I would go kick boxing for more anger assault fantasies but my right leg isn't ready for that. It has improved a lot with physio and fitness but I am SOOOOOO not there yet, hence the soccer ball being assholes balls or bitches heads.

BOOOOOM! THAT'S THE SOUND OF MY SHOTTA!!!

Like I said, my name is Hex not Grace, and I'll be as crass as needed, hint about black magic to look crazy and make up very mean songs about the people who tossed me away.

They should feel lucky, I am using my sweet sweet vocal cords to dedicate Westboro baptist church style parodies that are obviously NOT "Baptist" in the least.

(If you wanna know why I hate that Church so much just google it.)

Getting anger out is fucking inmotherfukingportant godfuckingdammmmmmitttttt dirtyjesus onthe fucking crosssssss!

Whooo that was ruuuude!

http://youtu.be/OjAQ3dGKNck

Do whatever you have to that won't put you or anyone else you know in a vehicle with a spinning light on the top of it, do it in your mind, draw disturbing pictures in a childlike way to get your psycho out, because I believe if you hold it in, in will rot away at your internally and it will kill you.

There is a place to stop and that comes naturally.

I think people should heed my warning so they don't end up in the news and everyone who knew them goes:

HE/SHE SEEMED SO NORMAL! 

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT PERSON AT ALL!

Well that person kept it festering inside instead of firing off a few glass bottles against a wall or fantasizing about molotov cocktails.

There you go. Logic and reasoning from a half cut poor excuse for a writer!

TAKE CARE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU SHINY SHINY DARLINGS.

I leave you with an inspiring song that I like to parody, if you bring me a bottle of wine I might sing it for ya, however I want to spin it that day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBEXSiFzOfU&feature=share&list=FLpMIfRIs2-_F11Yi4adYbqw

-E.

This entry is starring Evie

SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP.

I waited to write until our little sunshine came out of the baby baker, aka womb of my sister in law, and here is my NIECE!!! YAAYYAYA!

Baby photobomb time!

Welcome to the world Evie! 

PROUD GRANDPARENTS!

XCU of darling Evie

Looking precious and just witttttttllle

Love this picture, this pose she would search for boob.

Poppa and Evie.

Now I'm sure I'll be able to get pics of the proud parents Daley and Alicia later when they aren't so tired. Plus next time I'll get to see her she will be bigger.. her eyes will open up like a baby kitten.

I don't know if I've ever loved someone so much, she just makes my life happy, I am proud to be her auntie!

So yes my parents and I hung around all weekend dropping in between naps and feedings and passing her around, which she dealt really well with, every once in a while you think you see a smile or a stink eye but it's gas and the brightness of the world. 

I can't wait to play with her and watch her grow.

I haven't forgotten the second new baby, my cousin Francesca and her husband Ryan's first, 

FINN!

He's soooo cute, and loves to be in a diaper and nothing else.

Look at those blue eyes! They match his fluffy diaper!

So life has changed a lot and I haven't been able to blog about it all, May 1st I got laid off from my job after 4 years, won't lie it felt like a bit of a slap in the face... but I am not gonna get all bitter about it, it is what it is and if that was the direction the corporation wanted to take there is little I can do but shake hands and get the fuck outta there. 

That's that! One paragraph because my severance sucked!

So here I am, what am I doing now?

School like crazy, prepping for a final, grooming dogs with my bestie than the restie John, and just trying to be cooooool.

Here's a quick photo montage of things that have been going on...

Enjoying our yard

Getting dirty at my bestie than the restie's shop grooming doggies a couple days a week!

This guy was a talker

Having rock n' roll evenings where we sing what we can and some of what we can't

More yard enjoyment

Ended up on a mural somehow with a couple queers I know...

Took this picture drunkenly deciding to attempt quit number 3000, hopefully it will keep me reminded that smoking is gross..

At the same time I am posing for pics trying to glamorize smoking..

Geez.

Well, that was a nutshell alright, in my fathers health news, he is awaiting his surgery still, gotta get him a bed... that will be June 16th I believe.. I could be wrong I'll have to double check.. but in a couple weeks he has to have a biopsy of the thyroid as well...

At this point it's the super annoying waiting room time as I think of it...

When you are waiting for a huge surgery its like, grab a ticket, some snacks and a good book or 10, some valium, a picnic basket, and several hobbies because you are going to be waiting.

It pisses me off but I also know this is just how the system works.

He is looking good and staying active, which will make a big difference.

I am of course going to fighting in my dads corner all the way through.

I am in that end stage of my recovery where I am actually active again, feel stronger and less exhausted, not so delicate and beaten up, and trying to shed a few of the gazillion pounds I gained since interferon ended, where anything or anyone could walk past me but I was focused on finding a Wendy's or a donair. I went well overboard on my eating, and decided for my health and of course my risk of diabetes has changed me around these last 7 weeks, and I feel a thousand times better sweating my ass off, reminding myself that sweat is fat crying, and punishing myself sometimes, but other days are easier, staying away from garbage take out and cooking most of the week, doing shit like burpees and yoga and pretending I'm running from angry zombies, that helps. Getting ready to rock out some skanky summer duds.

BOOM!

Well, dats dat for tonight, I am on a more normal schedule after a couple of nights in a beautiful hotel bed after literally having about 3 completely sleepness nights, not in a row but close, that was fucked up and made me vampiric, but I did a quick switch around after one particularly sleepless night and tiresome day, and I am back to the land of the living. Gotta get up early and be a productive human, maybe do some yoga... who the fuck am I?

Love ya shiny babies and pals. XOX

-E.

Skank armies and Evil Trinities

So me and some buds were hanging out drinking martinis extra dirty on a Saturday night recently and watched Mean Girls a couple of times...

Now if you've never seen it first of all WTF and second go ahead and get that shit, it's worth a good laugh, because it's so true.

And if you aren't going to watch Mean Girls at least check out the 40 quotes I found on one stupid site, hahaha, MADE OUT WITH A HOTDOG? THAT WAS ONLY ONE TIME!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/40-mean-girls-quotes-that-make-everyday-life-worth-living/

Plus the SNL cast makes it even better.

So shutup and watch Mean Girls, loser.

Even Blowhan rules in it.

WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME?

Everyone knows/ has known a Regina!

K HAD to put that last one in, lmfao.

Here's a sad thing- Mean girls still exist in my peer group, only a few here and there, but they seem to get their bitchy powers in groups of three, or six.

Now what some bitches do is push out a fourth and instead find other threesomes to hang out with, so they can add a couple better looking girls to the equation to balance out the not so hot bitches, and so they can become a SKANK ARMY.

(One movie that was totally Mean Girls before Mean Girls was The Craft, who could forget what those Evil Three did to the Fourth.

They act like they hate her and then do Magic with her.

Typical mean girl shit.)

Now skank armies, two trios bonded together as one, will bring one or two friends around that they feel don't threaten them, so they can't ever be toooo hot or she'll get bashed behind her back by the skank army.

(HA! My computer wants to spell check skank to skunk. Skank, skunk, what's the difference, except one smells like a Baby Prostitute.)

 If she's too hot then one skank who is usually the mastermind bitch or the one who quietly churns the cauldron but always acts like she's innocent.

Now those bitches are the most dangerous of a Trinity. 

These evil Trinities exist within our society and the third spot can be a bit of a revolving door, instead of a fourth being pushed out another third comes in and resents one of the Trinity and impregnates the fortress of friendship with manipulative and gossipy ways, making this Trinity evil and toxic, giving the other bitches of the trinity something interesting to talk about, another person, and for everyone to get out their....

"OK, So I was wondering if anyone ever noticed she does _?"

All of the Trinity gets to cackle and go 

"OMG I thought it was just me who noticed!"

"Eew!"

"I SO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! WHAT A BITCH!"

"LOLZ"

Now I think I have intentionally avoided having tight circles of only girls on and off during my teens and twenties because this shit does happen and I've witnessed and been brought into it and it's happened to me as well. Really only minor things along the way and then some adult drama as well.

It's sad and I hate it, why can't girls just fucking get along without hating something about the other(s) and talking so much about each other?

I hear it everyday and can't help but smile a little and feel kind of sorry for that person, needing to share their personal hate for some bitch with some other bitch all within ear shot of others seemingly not caring what they are saying and who hears it, and of course now girls can be mean to each other any way they want on social media like Facebook and Instagram, Twitter, shit, I've even done it myself, you can be as passive to as aggressive as you want, it's your online reputation at stake, or your nose, depending on what you say.

Am I am a Mean Girl for saying that some "women" are still acting like 12 years olds?

Well I can say the same about some men, buts that's a whole other blog entry, there are no evil trinities in guy world, but theres a whole other bunch of other immature shit, not saying this is everyone of course, do you think I'm THAT bitter?

LOLZ

K,

So Mean Girls, or Bitches of Evil Trinities, at least be a Regina George or Janice Ian.

In the end when you are not together in your little bitches circle you are just BITCHES.

                      “I don’t hate you ‘cause your fat. You’re fat ‘cause I hate you!”

LOVES YA!

-E.

Al-Bert-Duhh

Late Saturday, after a fractured sleep/passout/nap, still sick, blog time.

Got some The Devil makes Three on the iTunes and a little "cough syrup"- ice cold Jager.

Just thought I'd share this ridiculous photo shoot masterminded by Strongbow and Grape vodka one strange grubby weekend a few weeks ago, not like being grubby isn't a trend that goes out of style for me on the weekends; I just try to be somewhat glamourous in a.... scrubby way. I'll wear fake lashes and full hair with dirty clothes, as Gretchen Wieners would say, I'm SO fetch.

The weekend is when I can wear toques with mens band shirts and kilts or mini skirts, ok I wear mini skirts all week, but micro-mini is a step up, but it ain't skanky in wool tights.

 I can't say what the fuck in hell my "style" is, and I hate being asked that, which is often. 

I do a pencil skirt with a floral blouse opaque tights and a sharp neutral fitted jacket for my professional office girl job, with my "trademark" daytime drama makeup MON-FRI, then on the weekends I never wear the same outfit twice, and could end up in anything, including dresses depending on where I am going but I love Canadiana gear with my own grungy/ skanky twist, or whatever the fuck it is, with anything from electric green to Amy Winehouse liner, or both, platform/stiletto heels and with my clothes it's more of a mental patients pairing of items, nothing has to match, but there can never be too many accessories or unnecessary items, gypsy bracelets, several long necklaces, hair flowers or bandanas, or ridiculous pairings such as a wool poncho with short shorts, with matted unstyled hair and aviators, the un-skinny, un-famous but perhaps infamous Mary Kate Olson of Western Canada.

If you ever bother observing certain trademarks I have when it comes to my wardrobe it is always some black wool item. 

Sometimes it's my good old "chemo hat" this toque complete with bunny tail top and two grungy lazy goth zippers on it that was given to me by my bestie John, I wore this thing 24/7 unless I was working, black wool cardigans, purses, headbands, tanks tops, I don't know how I have amassed so many black wool items for virtually any weather condition, ridiculous I know, anyways I'm getting waaaayyy off track here, enough about me and black wool, the fugg.

The whole Al-Ber-Duhhh thing for me is very complicated, I love my home but I also see the redneckism and the Texas style pride in our meat n' potatoes eatin', truck drivin', oil rig workin', wooohoooHOOOOO yokels that we all have a little of within us, whether we want to admit to it or not, then theres that weird farmer blood that runs through our veins where we eat our dinners earlier than I'd prefer to and getting up at dawn is an admirable, prideful thing here, I understand it, but don't live that way at all, but the heavy holiday dinners at 2 or 3pm, dude, I can't even do it.

It's some weird farmer excuse to get that meat in their bellies and have a half a pie for dessert before 4pm, have a nap and wake up still drunk and have several more before going to bed... OK so this is totally not everyones Alberta experience, but I have experienced this small town AB farmer lifestyle, and I think there is a lot of denial and bigamy in some Albertans that runs deep, and keeps us from progressing as a province as a whole.

Edmonton, the "Rome" of our province as I see it, more than half of it is in fucking ruins, most of that is on our roads, where I almost lose a tire 3-4 times a goddamm day due to the gigantic potholes, and I see a growing disparity between the classes within this expanding city, with oil wives needing bigger and bigger houses in areas that are pretty much suburbs to me, and should have separate names, Terwilliger, or however you spell that, you ain't Edmonton, you are like the North Vancouver to West Van, two different fucking towns.

Geez.

And you can get from one suburb to a very distant one out on the mainland in the time it takes the train here to go from Central station to Southgate. For the same price.

Bullshit!

Then there's Calgary, the unofficial capital of Alberta, with fancy infrastructure and matching houses to make those perfect little neighbourhoods that are annoying to even try and find there, it's the metrosexual capital of the world, full of sleazy yuppies who's palms are most likely greased by oil, and full of that cowboy spirit, every time I've been to stampede, to me it's like a Brokeback mountain midway that reeks of farm animals and beer puke. Not that I don't enjoy my visits to CowTown.

Welcome to Alberta- where you'll see vegans in leather.

ANYWAYS, what is the Alberta girl, the Alberta guy, the Alberta gay, the Albertan... Who the fuck are we? 

There is so many smart incredible Liberal people in this place yet our province is always ruled by Conservative rednecks...  OH AND we have WEM that actually is a horrible place, though I will admit the Waterpark rules.

Maybe thats just who we place our loyalty in, because a whole we are afraid of change, we are cowboys and farmers out heeeer in al-Ber-Duuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

How did we glorify Ralph Klein, the drunkest politician like, ever, who was dubbed "King Ralph", only to end up unable to speak properly, which is just poetic justice really, but we kept him in power, and even people who hated him gave him those extra chances by voting for him because cause he was just an AB Good ol' boy, so what if he hated immigrants and went to a homeless shelter drunk and told the homeless there to get jobs.

That's Al-berrr-duhhh for ya.

BUT:

This is just my wild and uneducated opinion, and that's why I ain't no Politician, and maybe I don't know SHIIIIIIIT about politics and the inner workings of the whole shady biz, but I know I am not a Conservative and I know I am also a rebel but also progressive, open to great change.

Ok enough of me ripping my home another one, I love where I live and refuse to leave, or find the idea very difficult, especially after spending years living outside of this majestic province, dude, we've got THE FUCKING ROCKIES. Big ass mountains, beat that!

Plus Alberta has my love, my loved ones, my heart, my everything, and I believe in this place.

So here's my Alberta Girl "photoshoot", sponsored by Stongbow and Russian Vodka and John Deere, powered by cabin fever, and cheered on by Jeremiah Valleau and shot by MacBook Photography.

MUA/STYLIST- THIS BITCH

ASSISTANTS: SALEM & SABBATH CAT, JEREMIAH, BOOZE AND JOHN M'FKIN DEERE- (To cover the 'farm equipment" if ya know what I'm saying, har har har.)

REDRUM Style writing on the mirror, classy as fuck behaviour for any good ol' AB girl.

If I ruled this province I would make it illegal to be a greasy jerk off , and that's all this world really needs, in my shallow opinion, that and busses that come on time, because maybe if they did I could lessen my carbon footprint.

But I gotta say- some of these Alberta boys can wear the shit out of them Wranglers let me tell ya wut.

;)

-E.

The colourful life

IN LIVING COLOUR

Just on a picture posting spree, bombing Instagram and Facebook feeds, so allow me to bomb my blog with a splash of COLOUR!

It is spring after all.

I love making myself into Andy Wharhol's Marilyn

Bumblebee Bitch

I may wear a lot of black, but I live my life in full colour.

XoXoXo

-E.