My name is Hex, not Grace

HEX IN THA HOUSE!!!

Slighted intoximacated! I fuckin deserve it because I finished my studies of my first course and all the moodle quizzes with a 90% and booked my final today in a month

!

It's a celebration bitches!

This one has been on my phone a while and since I am apparantly posted wine memes it's going up.

YES IT'S IN FRENCH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE IT! :)

This is from tonight, my dad gave a me a bottle of a nice wine I enjoyed after finally finishing up all the notes before review and enjoy the mark I have right now- then there's the final... GAHHH

SO BOTTOMS UP WEIRDOS AND QUEERS!

NOW TIME FOR A LITTLE ANIMOSITY!

SHIT MY NAME IS HEX NOT GRACE, THIS ISN'T A PLACE WHERE WE... I MEAN I CENSOR.

BOTTOM LINE.

Now if you don't feel like listening to my bit of anger than change the channel and read a "family blog."

I'm a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit pissed off still about my lay off. 

I get this is business this is how it works, but I can be as mad as I want about it, it was my career, it was something I built for myself starting at the coffee shop counter and it gave me a sense of purpose. 

I found my niche in the business and felt great doing my job just about everyday. My father leaves for his illness and I was immediately given the chop, get your shit and go, there were outright lies circulating about me that hurt my feelings and left me feeling betrayed by people I wanted to further the business with, make this more than about great food and service, make it special, make it memorable. I believe I accomplished that in my time there and so I don't look back like I did the job inconsistently, EVEN when I was sick myself and was only there 3 days a week.

Everyone lets me get two words of frustration in before they say  

FUCK EM! Don't worry about it, don't let it stress you.

Oh I reassure you it is not entirely stress because of course some of it is, you unexpectedly lose your job after 4 years, THERE IS GOING TO BE STRESS but it is mostly anger and bitterness, which I am allowed to have as long as I want.

The psyche can only stir angrily for so long before it costs you health and energy and vitality, but whats wrong with having a slam fest after the fact regardless of what you can do about it, you can let your anger pile burn a little while.

Ain't no shame.

This is an anger that pushes me forward, pushes me to be BETTER.

WHY IN HELL would I let my sad and angry feelings go by the wayside just to be "positive"?

Well fuck no, positive is how I live my life most days, in between:

Cancer.

Dealt with that like a champ.

Marriage failure.

Didn't let it stop me.

My fathers health.

Staying strong as I can for him.

Laid off.

It won't stop me either and I will be better, but my primary focus is SCHOOL and I am not working on a degree for 10 fucking years. 

I may be 29 but I deserve a chance to be left alone about not working full time or in anything serious as a profession WHY? Because I a student now.

That's why.

Not even life will throw me off the track I'm really on, I will accomplish my dream and no one can stop me, nothing can stop me.

For a few weeks after something hard there is a seething, and either you let it burn inside to only fuck you over more OR you let it loose, not only with loose lips and fuck this guy and fuck that guy I hate this and that and the other thing, LIARS!

I channel my anger well, I have kept up an active lifestyle and if I start crying anger firery tears of hell bitch on wheels with an appetite for flesh in killing mode I go for a run, kick a soccer ball and pretend its so and so's balls.

Feels good.

I will ride out the wave and then I'll be fine.

Sometimes people don't understand it, and that is ok.

It is a good coping mechanism for me, exactly why I head to a metal show and crowd surf or a get a tattoo after something crazy and hard, I always do. 

I can wear the tattoos and hold the memories of my killing of the dead horse again as my badge of honour.

So what's this entry, 

POSITIVE?

NEGATIVE?

DRUNKEN?

A little of all the above my friends.

So yeah I would go kick boxing for more anger assault fantasies but my right leg isn't ready for that. It has improved a lot with physio and fitness but I am SOOOOOO not there yet, hence the soccer ball being assholes balls or bitches heads.

BOOOOOM! THAT'S THE SOUND OF MY SHOTTA!!!

Like I said, my name is Hex not Grace, and I'll be as crass as needed, hint about black magic to look crazy and make up very mean songs about the people who tossed me away.

They should feel lucky, I am using my sweet sweet vocal cords to dedicate Westboro baptist church style parodies that are obviously NOT "Baptist" in the least.

(If you wanna know why I hate that Church so much just google it.)

Getting anger out is fucking inmotherfukingportant godfuckingdammmmmmitttttt dirtyjesus onthe fucking crosssssss!

Whooo that was ruuuude!

http://youtu.be/OjAQ3dGKNck

Do whatever you have to that won't put you or anyone else you know in a vehicle with a spinning light on the top of it, do it in your mind, draw disturbing pictures in a childlike way to get your psycho out, because I believe if you hold it in, in will rot away at your internally and it will kill you.

There is a place to stop and that comes naturally.

I think people should heed my warning so they don't end up in the news and everyone who knew them goes:

HE/SHE SEEMED SO NORMAL! 

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT PERSON AT ALL!

Well that person kept it festering inside instead of firing off a few glass bottles against a wall or fantasizing about molotov cocktails.

There you go. Logic and reasoning from a half cut poor excuse for a writer!

TAKE CARE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU SHINY SHINY DARLINGS.

I leave you with an inspiring song that I like to parody, if you bring me a bottle of wine I might sing it for ya, however I want to spin it that day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBEXSiFzOfU&feature=share&list=FLpMIfRIs2-_F11Yi4adYbqw

-E.

Keep on Keepin' on.

OK SO I FINALLY KNOW WHY MY LEG IS JIGGED!

I have some type of degenerative joint issue, yet to be fully diagnosed, but...

IT'S NOT MELANOMA RELATED..... YAY!!!!

Oh the small and bitter victories of my life.

Ok so I don't have cancer again, that's great, but wow, you know your life is shitty when you are actually celebrating that fact, and instead you have something else and you get to live yes, but in pain all the time.

So here is how I went about getting this information.

I called my doctor because usually if you wait they will have your results for days without calling you and leave you on the hook because it's not going to immediately kill you so they have a few days.

Sure enough they were there.

Nothing against this doctor, all doctors are the same in that way, and busy as fuck, I know their world doesn't revolve around my health, I get that, but I am my own advocate and now that I've been through-

"The System"

I know how to navigate it and make people answer my questions instead of sitting alone in the dark.

So like I say I call my doctor, this one is the new Family GP, and of course the reception girl can't give me my results over the phone, so she says, 

"Well, you can come into the walk in clinic and wait about 2 hours to see another doctor, but doctor Marcu only works Tuesday through Thursday- (must be nice) you probably won't be able to see her tonight, but you can make an appointment."

Being told someone knows if you won the lottery or being put in jail for life, but they won't tell you, it's enough to make one almost lose it over the phone, well, me that is.

I said (after grumbling for a moment)-

"Ok, fine, I will call my dermatologist. He gives me answers over the phone."

 Or at least his nurse will.

I call the skin office and they know my voice and like me because I bring them Ruth's Chris gift certificates, so the reception lady says she has the results in front of her, but again, she can't give me any answers but my nurse CAN! Imagine my excitement.

They are so busy there so I expected to wait a little while for the call, but since I don't have much patience I call back an hour later.

Lady whats her name goes, 

"Oh Rachel didn't call you yet? I'll go get her."

Rachel gets on the phone and right away just says,

"No. It's not metastases." 

Of course that's the first thing she says.

She's like,

"It's just a degenerative cartilage issue."

My first thought, is of course, THANK LUCIFER it's not melanoma.

JUST a little issue with the cartilage in my hip!

Then I think, ok, I am not crazy and I have a real pain for a real reason.

I thank Rachel profusely and go back to work sharing the news with my dad and then Matt and my mom and John, then it hits me, that's not the greatest news I've ever received, WTF, I am 29, and that's an old people issue.

Then I started thinking about my Grandma on my moms side and her 3 hip replacements, my uncle John from my dad's side recent hip replacement, and then I said to my dad, 

"Wow I got all the shitty genes didn't I?"

He agreed.

Lovely.

 I realized the other day I don't like to hear myself complain, so I am going to do my best to be whiney or feel too sorry for myself, but, really?

So I am going to get a couple of paragraphs of anger and frustration out on this page.

I feel like the universe has just been using me as their toilet, shitting on me all the time while I try my best to be the best person to others that I can possibly be, as if that matters in the big picture.

There could be a few people around that may think I am a mean horrible witch, and to these people that's how they see me, for my mistakes and that's all, I know I have had some bitch moments that stand out in my life, but obviously it doesn't matter if you try to "redeem" yourself to the universe or others, it will still take a shit on your head.

So what has this taught me? 

That it doesn't matter if you are a good person or a bad person, neither guarantees anything in life.

Then I think about that song,

"Only the good die young..."

In a way that makes some sense, because even if the person wasn't a "good" person it is such a tragedy to lose a young life that everyone is going to highlight the good in that person, and even people that dislike the person or barely know them come out shocked and acting like a bereaved friend, unfortunately we all know I am right about this.

The basic lesson here is, be evil, it doesn't matter, being nice ain't going to get you any mileage on your life as you know it.

Shit is going to hit the fan then hit you in the face, you are going to get pissed on, friendships will dissolve overnight, you may lose a job or fail, you might get sick, or people you love might get sick or die.

Yeah, harsh I know, but that's the damn truth.

If you are still reading, I will thank you for sharing in my shit, and if you laugh, even better, I don't want yours tears man, I just want your company in my misery!

Well it's no ones fault, and I feel a little better bitching to the world about my endless loads of ailments and challenges though I will tell you the cider I am 4 cans into this evening started out as a celebratory beverage, but has turned into a tool to self-medicate and drown my sorrows.

So HOW do I end this whiney ramble, and not be a whiner anymore and just get on with it?

Good question.

I am kinda in FUCK YOU MODE at the whole universe right now, and trying to just lower my expectations so the disappointment will stop, and the bar keeps getting lower and lower.

Ok, I will end this by saying what you might be thinking,

THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

This is as true as everything else I said about life.

Keep on keepin' on is allllllllll you can do.

-E.