Friiiidaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!
Sounds exciting when you see it like that, but really I don't want to have fun, I need a rest, and a punching bag, or even better, rehab.
I've got my eyes on this one, you won't have to give me an intervention to get me to go here:
Somewhere in Malibu, you can dry out in style and luxury.
Yesssireee, I am totally auditioning myself for TV's Intervention for a free vacation!
If anyone asks I have a variety of drug and alcohol addictions, chronic gambler with a variety of strange sexual deviancies and anger issues.
Some people would believe all that, so I have a good chance of getting in.
So I have noticed I have a subtle trend of using this blog as a tool to share my miseries with the world, and if you actually read this blog you will be exposed to my wide variety of issues. I am having a mixed bag of a week.
Matt left again for another "stint" up north, I cannot lie, I fucking hate it.
The first month or two was tolerable, here we are going into the 4th month of it and I having a hard time pretending that it's all good.
I have all these different feelings about it- of course it's good for the pocketbook and whatnot, but it isn't easy to be away from your spouse most of the time.
He of course knows this and it's not like he's going to discover my true feelings by reading it here on this silly blog, I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time, be it a blessing or a curse it is allllllll the time; I can't even lie to cyber space about my feelings, and feel some strange sick need to make sure everyone knows what's going on.
If my feelings are so easy to read on my face then if I'm not honest all the time I feel like a liar.
So Matt is gone after a few short days at home.
Blah.
The the day after he left I had a fucking strange fever.
I slept for hours and hours and woke up and had 3 shots of Jagermeister, which seems to have cured me of any impending illness, which is the good news.
Lindsay's sudden death is still so fresh, it is still hard to process.
When you lose a friend life is never the same without that person.
She has been on my mind constantly for the last couple of weeks and I keep thinking, when this is over.....but it's never over and I will have to just keep Lindsay in my mind the way I want to remember her, laughing at me, laughing with me.
Her service was emotional, but we got to all come together in our mutual love for linz and that was nice. A friend of Lindsay's shared some words I had for her, which reinforced what was happening and made it all hit me harder than initially, but left me feeling a little bit better, though there is no closure there is some kind of permission to let her rest.
Tomorrow is a gathering at her place to "shop" her boutique of crazy stuff, clothes and purses, little things that are Lindsay. I know that is going to be both lovely and sad, but I am looking forward to it.
I get to take some Lindz home with me to keep forever.
That line would creep her out and she'd totally laugh at me... oh Lindz.
That's my girl, beer in hand, so so beautiful.
I've been on auto pilot at work since and haven't noticed when I am exhausted, which is unusual.
Usually when I am tired I feel like a cranky baby until I get to sleep, but something is going on with me where I am shutting that out, even if I go to space a few times in my head.
The biggest complaint I have about this week other than Matt leaving is my damn right leg.
THIS LEG IS JIGGITY-JANKED!
This is of course my surgery leg, and pain is starting in my knee all the way up to my hip, and all my doctors really don't seem too fucking concerned about it, but it feels like I am 95 years old- it hurts too much to work out and I am definitely going to have to handle this before it gets too bad- how I don't even know, my doctors are no fucking help to me at all.
Now that I am off Cancer treatment they don't give a shit about anything, especially my oncologist. I have had concerns and questions about my leg and been trying to get through to my onc. and it's like I am a crazy person who should just go a medi centre or take more Tylenol. "Go to your family doctor" is the answer I have gotten out of the Cross cancer Institute and I am so mad about it I am on fire, not even getting to speak to my doctor EVER and having to practically harrass the nurses to get any kind of answers at all, they didn't return my calls both times and literally had to call until someone answered at the clinic. Sounds bad- it is. It is absolutely horrifying and has left me feeling alone in my condition, feeling like they aren't watching me close enough, and that raises so much paranoia about my cancer.
There is a sense of abandonment happening, and a real resentment towards all of it considering this doctor wanted me to have this surgery WHY isn't he helping me out and directing me to the right kind of treatment for this, he's a godamm oncologist that deals with people who have had lymph nodes removed every day, and he doesn't have the time to point me in the right direction, or even order a scan JUST for my piece of mind lets say, nope, none of that.
Yeah they took decent care of me when I was on interferon.
Now even though I still have this "membership" to the cancer club I can't get ongoing treatment and surveillance, it is just not right, and I know it.
I am figuring out just by doing my own research that my pain is most likely caused by the big ass surgery I had.
My knee to my thigh has been numb for over a year, and some sensation is coming back, nerves are regenerating and now it's just starting to hurt.
It's like a delayed reaction.
It radiates all over my leg and hip, and has me popping advil regularly, which pisses me off even more, I hate hate hate Advil and Tylenol. It's a vicious circle only offering temporary relief with a whole bag of long term side effects. Makes me so mad that I had the surgery in the first place.
Whenever I say this people say "well you had to have it, you didn't know" well shit, if I had known it would impact the rest of my life I think I may have at least thought twice about it.
OHHHH I am a big fat bag of greeeeeaaassssyyy bitchies, but I would rather you laugh at my misery than feel sorry for me at this point, I complain to get mad and let other people get mad with me, not for others tears or cliche words.
The thing is when I am downright pissed off or just down I don't want to see the bright side.
People try and get me to see "the bright side" but I really just want that shit to fuck off and die. I love you but please don't try and make me say, ok, it's not so bad, when I am giving 'er on the heavy shit and downright misery just let me bitch.
If you really don't want to hear it, first of all I recommend staying away from this blog and me on any given day, I will be the first to admit that I am bitchy as hell sometimes and I don't think a lot of people know how to react to that.
Well, if you know me, you know this.
If it a fault, at least I don't try and minimize it or defend myself, or try and make myself look like less of a raging bitch when I am one.
Ok, well, if you've had enough of my rant, too bad, it's not over yet.
THERES MORE.
Edmonton drivers have almost caused me two accidents in this week alone.
First some jerk in a truck almost side swiped me by driving like a lunatic past me and then cut me off by speeding and swooping into my lane without signalling in an intersection, scaring the flying fuck out of me and of course had me honking my pathetic sounding little "Meep Meep" horn and yelling obscenities out of the window.
Today a woman who was clearly in her own little world didn't shoulder check and took a left turn cutting off a guy in front of me, who had to slam on his breaks to avoid T-Boning this dumb bitch, and I had to slam on my breaks, stuff flew all over my car and I braced for an impact, thinking 'THIS ACCIDENT WILL BE CONSIDERED MY FAULT BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO REAR END THIS GUY, AND MY CAR WILL BE TOTALLED PLEASE SATAN JUST SAVE MY LIFE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MY FACE!"
By some miracle I stopped about an inch from this guy in front of me and then proceeded to get Montreal style on this stupid C-U-Next-Tuesday and sit on my horn and yell and scream in burning anger out of the window, and considered following her into the gas station and just punching her right in her stupid face.
Instead I got home and sat trembling on my couch for an hour, that could have been an ugly accident, GRRRRRRRDDD!!!!!
I am trying to think of a way to wrap up this entry with something nice, but I don't feel like being nice or happy right now, that would be lies, all lies.
I do have an eye appointment to look forward to- yeah how exciting I know- but tomorrow I am going to the eye guy for the first time in way too long, and I will obviously be getting a stronger prescription, as I have been going blind for months now, with hurting eyes and I am finally out of my denial.
My brother Daley exposed my blindness by calling me out on the large text font I was using on my phone for texts, and since then I have been wearing strong readers that get me through, but my astigmatism, or football cornea, is getting worse and it is clear I am going to need something stronger for my left eye especially.
Watch, I'll be in Bubbles glasses for the rest of my life.
If my eyesight keeps declining at this rate, soon me and this guy will have more in common than just a doting affection for our kitties.
So like I said, no way to wrap this up on a cheerful note, I am going to be a baby all weekend cause I want to be, and eat greasy shit and a whole tub of Haagen-Dazs cookies and cream.
I don't care if I'm 600 pounds by the end of the month, right now I want to eat crap all the time.
Hopefully my mood improves by Monday so I can go back to work and be my usual "pleasant" self , but I wouldn't count on it.
-E.
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