Living the life of a crazy lady

Quick summary of my insane evening:

Saw several bands with names such as Dying fetus, 3 inches of blood and a local band I cannot remember the name of.

Had a couple shots of tequila and got to see peeps I haven't seen in some time and drink and laugh away the itchiness I live with day to day (at this point my flesh is literally falling off of me, how metal hey) and relieve some of the insanity I have been feeling for a few days (months) but intensely over the last week. I am starting an intense olive oil and tea tree oil regimen and I hoping this will keep me off antibiotics or god knows what I'll have to go on if I get an infection. This is entirely possible with all the trauma my body has been through in the last year, and it almost feels like I am starting with a new (and very fucked up) body and immune system. Which makes sense considering I was on drugs that "boost" your immune system.... Sorry I am getting off track here! I was talking about the show.

Anyways, I was into the VodCran's and the Cuervo's tonight and then thought I'd check out a great band that played tonight's merch at their booth. So I wait in line with everyone else and when I get there I ask to see the sizes of two different items, money in hand and this asshole merch guy starts yelling at me like he was high on speed going- "Just tell me your fucking size! What? You don't know your fucking size?" Then starts to help the guy behind me. 

Well this troll clearly didn't understand who he was being rude to so I said to him "hey buddy I have more questions for you, what the hell??" 

He looked at me with burning hatred in his eyes and I asked him if he had a small in two different shirts, smiling.

He goes, NO! JUST XTRA LARGE! 

And starts helping out someone else again.

If this idiot thinks I am just going to walk away being disrespected so blatantly he's wrong.

I stand next to the merch booth and loudly heckle this angry man rudely for 5 straight minutes.

Then I proceed to make jokes about him with every customer waiting in line for merch at this booth, and even manage to get a couple people to walk away and give this guy this finger. I disappeared for another five and come back and shouted random obscenities as I walked by casually, something about him and midgets then farm animals.... 

His head went lower and lower until I stopped by again and told him I was just here to support the bands I love and not going to purchase shit without seeing it.

He apologized profusely and then offered me a tour T shirt for 3 inches at 5 bucks off.

HA! I laughed as I put it in my bag. But also felt like an evil bitch for harassing this guy all night, but clearly it was worth it as a consumer who just wants some muthafuckin' respect for the dollars I will spend. Matt was mad at me for accepting his apology, but smiled when I told him this dude then gave me deal and skipped me ahead of the line, and seemed like he was truly remorseful... or maybe not but that doesn't even matter. I got a 3 inches shirt for cheap. 

I also went balls out into the mosh pit tonight and got to see half the show from the very front, right in the bands face. SO GREAT. I love when the guys in the pit let you smash by them to see the show. You do have to take some squishing and watch out for flying elbows, but them's the perils of the pit and they must be respected. YOU ARE IN THE PIT. EXPECT TO GET HURT. Thing is most metal heads are super awesome with chicks in the pit and whenever I get knocked down someone helps me up. Which is another part of most pit etiquette. This exists believe it or not.

Anyways, I am at the stage and this grey guy goes "hey girl wanna go up?"

I'm like FUCK YES, and I step on his hand and onto the crowd, and got to crowd surf about five feet before the bouncer guys got me. Then head banged next to the stage for a couple seconds before the bouncer guys gently tossed me out.

Is it a coincidence that I am missing a piece of one of my teeth? Am I scaring you?

But here's the thing, I am fine, other than my tooth, and scored cheap merch, shots of tequila, and had a great time with my huz-bee and some very cool loving and rocking ass friends this evening, and that's all that really matters to me. I would rather live my life crowd surfing and fighting with merch booth dudes and being half deaf for three days at a time because I know I am living life without prejudice, loving every opportunity that arises to just LIVE and enjoy it, rowdy, hyper, happy, angry, silly, stupid, possibly inebriated, yelling, saying what everyone wants to say but won't, and loving people in an embarrassingly cheesy and over the top manner. I don't give a shit if anyone thinks I am crazy or a complete fool, I just want to take every chance to live it up and make every day a unique and integral part of my life.

-E.

Bitches brew and drunks in general

This will be a drunk post.

Why, I'm drunk that's why!

I made and drank a couple peach cocktails with REAL peaches last night, but wasn't feeling the drinking thing. Today I was having such nervous excitement and anxiety (in a good way) that I had to have a couple (or six) cocktails! Refined and redefined from last nights blended concoction, this evening I was much too lazy to wash the blender by hand waiting in the dishwasher to be washed, fuck that noise. I have sprite and Passionfruit juice, Ice and peach vodka. Fuck yes.

So I had one and thought I'd stop at two. But one and two tasted so good that two wasn't enough. So three it is. My sweet husband is in the background offering words of advice, dunno, something about not pouring too heavy and remembering I have to work tomorrow. Four... five... six....there was a look of concern but I think he was enjoying ultra excited and happy Drunken Erin. He is lovely and knows I am enjoying my freedom from shitty yucky cancer poison, shit, I want to poison MYSELF for a change. It is much more fun than the latter.

So I must say I almost feel like an 18 year old discovering alcohol again, loving the effect and craving:

BITCH BREW

Usually Coolers, cider, whatevs, but I consider Bitches Brew to be anything that a straight man wouldn't want to be seen drinking. Girly glasses and straw kind of drinks are on my crave list right now, maraschino cherries and grenadine with fruit and ice purees and juices. I usually enjoy my wine but my exit from cancer treatment has me craving all kinds of things.
Bitches brew does the job housewife style.


So yea, did I mention I am drinking Peachy Passion cocktails? Well I am, and maybe I should finish the one I have and not pour another.


Isn't that always the downfall of the Thursday night beverage consumption? You think, bah, tomorrows Friday. I can have a couple. But you end up having too much fun until you look at the clock and it's 1230 and you're like SHIT I WISH IT WAS FRIDAY! I have seen so many bars who have great drink deals THURSDAY nights and want you to come drink drink drink. I live across the street from a bar and have to listen to Thursday night rowdies every week. A couple of times in the summer when someone was singing loudly outside -we have ALL windows open it's so hot- you have to listen to these drunk idiots, and at one (or two) points I said fuck it. Went out on the balcony and yelled:


SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SUCK
and another time
STOP SINGING YOU SOUND LIKE SHIT


I don't even know if this registered with these Thursday night drink specials victims, that they suck at singing and are completely tone deaf and need a music lesson, oh wait, you can't teach tone deaf, then theres the old skeezee tradesguy who has been drinking since four, losing one game of pool after another, plugging the machines and getting rejected by the same washed up ol' VLT hag drinking Pil.


MUST YELL LOUD.


IN ROAD.


AT NOTHING.


OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.


Fuck you.


These guys are rare, but angry drunks come out of Rosarios on Thursdays and will most likely disturb your quiet time.


Or sleep.


I haven't gone there since I got a shitty plate of calamari for $10 bucks.


Matt swears that is was half eaten, and it almost looked that that, a big bowl of dip and crumbs of Calamari.


I was sober at the time, and that was the only thing I could enjoy somewhat sometimes, and so I was PISSED.


Fuck you Rosarios and your shitty overpriced calamari.


I don't think I'll return.


Why would I need to go to a crappy bar and pay them for their shitty service and surround myself with weirdos who sing karaoke so wrongly and gross disgusting pigs of men who eye diddle you when you walk past them, like they have a shot or something. Fuck that. Yuck.


But the weekend is ahead of us, and of course there are some more fabulous party plans. First there is a show tomorrow I have been SO EXCITED FOR:


Devildriver and 3 inches of blood
(and some other bands, Dying Fetus being one of them)


SNAP!


So I'll be rocking out with friends tomorrow night, I'd like to run around and climb on my hubs shoulders, maybe have a shot of tequila and enjoy seeing two of my fave bands, something I haven't been able to do for a year, OMG.


SO stoked for 3 Inches, they are so exciting to listen to cause they embrace that same old school metal a la Iron Maiden and bring it to a new level. And they rule live.


http://youtu.be/JO7TZGgBbOw


Live music is so important to me. I will fill my heart and head tomorrow night and love it.


So my buzz is wearing off and I have two options:


Go to bed 


Have another drink


I suppose you will find out next entry which one I chose.


Night lovelies.


-E.

BIG BURN

                 

I attended the BIG BURN event today, as I mentioned in a previous post or two, here is the link to the FBOOK event if you want to see it!


http://www.thebigburn.ca/event/


I got to network with other members of the coalition, the Spokesperson for the Alberta Melanoma Foundation and give interviews to CTV, CBC and OMNI on my story and Indoor Tanning is Out's message. 


One great thing about today was running into another patient of my Oncologist, a woman in her fifties that I met in the waiting room with her daughter, who works for Cancer research in Alberta. When I met them, the mother is four weeks into treatment, completely broken, crying, defeated and ready to quit.


I told her to hang in there and just get through the next month or two and she'll be feeling better. The first three months are probably the hardest. 


She told me today she only kept going on the Interferon because of our talk.


That was awesome.


It was great to talk with her and her daughter and felt like they were family or something, because of the common bond we have of that shocking moment when you are diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma, and living with uncertainty in the face of a deadly disease.

                   

I wouldn't call myself a cancer survivor, more like a cancer treatment survivor. 

But this is how people outside of me see me, as a survivor.

Totally worth coming out today- got a sweet card and a $100 Visa Gift card. WHOOP SHOPPING!!!


So that's a quick pictorial of my afternoon. 


MY EVENING!!!


DINNER





An old school dinner I ate in my early twenties when lazy and poor.
I make a Safeway Rotisserie chicken and dip it in Sirracha sauce. MMMMM.

I started drinking this bizarre concoction of peaches, peach vodka, passionfruit juice, ice and blended, with a splash of 7up. Realllly good. I'm on my 3rd... or 4th?....

CHEERS!

Relaxed me.

-E.

New Jeans, hair, and a high calorie treat

Today was an awesome day.

I cruised around running various errands, stopped in to shell shocked for some screens and papes, cherry, bubblegum, candy cane and rice papers, stopped in at Capital Tattoo to book a thigh tattoo for the end of May, ran into all my beasties along they way, stopped in for some Cron worship with my bestest gay, made a yummy dinner of caesar salad, sesame fried chicken, and cheese sticks for a side, got my new hair extensions and did some online jean shopping.


My first pair of Lucky brand Jeans!!!

(Couldn't find a pic I could use of the back, the pockets are cute with a feminine slightly western flair and long boot cut. LOVE.)
Hope these puppies come soon, I've got plans for these beauties....


I HAD to order a new pair of jeans because everything I have is a little too small around the area of my lymph node removal surgery scar, and I find low cut jeans push on the top of the scar, which still hurts a year later. So obvs I needed to do a little Jean shopping, plus I heard great things about Lucky Brand jeans, so YEAH!! HURRY TO MOMMY MY PRETTIES!!!


I also got extensions, with copper auburn and bright red streaks throughout, I have a couple sets of exertions but one set is too long and the other set tangles too quickly. (Getting old.)


Since my hair is now shorter and still really thin, I was afraid they would be hard to conceal in my hair. But I did them a little differently to disguise the short bits.


Basically I just section my hair to put them in, and you have to leave a layer of shorter hair underneath all of the extension, and that is hard to hide if you hair is shoulder length or shorter. So if you are moving your hair around there is a chance someone will see that, and it looks weird. So my suggestion is to take a couple bobby pins and pin that bottom layer up (at the nape of the neck) with a couple pins and give it a hairspray hit. 


If you haven't done clips ins before here's how you do it- based on a seven piece set.


Pin hair up and section a layer from the bottom up.


Give it a little backcomb and then clip in the two clip extension.


Section out a thin layer of hair to cover the first extension. Backcombing it will ensure it will cover the seams.


Take another layer and give that a backcomb too, and clip in either a three clip piece or a four clip ( this should be right around the top of your ears) and then repeat by adding another thin layer back-combed to cover the seams again.


Repeat with the sides, with shorter 2 clip pieces and then I add one on the crown of my head to cover the last track since my hair is quite thin it is harder to disguise. Most people don't need to do this, but if you wanna do the clip backed bang thing this looks really cute. Basically you leave out your bangs and give em a good teasin', a good coat of hairspray and grab those bobby pins and pin to disguise the seams of the crown extension. 


Add as many clips as you want, longer thicker hair needs less but thinner or shorter hair will need up to seven. 


Sorry for not posting pics of the process, but if anyone wants me to post an instructional pictorial let me know I'd gladly do it :) My comment forum is open to anyone, no matter if you are a member or not, so just let me know sugar!

I'm loving my short locks but I get bored easily. I need to switch up my style so often, I find that some people don't seem to recognize me often.

Extensions are funnnnn.

Oranges taste so good after a year of them being on my yucky taste list. I just ate two.

Everyone who knows me well knows I smoke weed. I am not ashamed of it, it helped me through my year of cancer treatment and made the difference between lying on the couch sick and being able to run errands and visit with friends. It should be legalized in my opinion. Gateway drug, perhaps for some, but most adults I know who smoke pot don't like the effects of harder drugs and drink less and are generally cooler, more mellow folks. Though I am finished cancer treatment I won't be quitting the ganga anytime soon. 

Strangely lit shameless no makeup self portrait.


So in other news!


I will be attending the BIG BURN event at Kingsway tomorrow, (well, today, since it's after midnight) educating grads about the dangers of tanning for prom. I believe I will be there to speak to reporters about my story mainly, but otherwise I am not certain what I am going to be doing. I am excited and ready for anything. I have lots to say about my disease and can talk for hours about the dangers, my story and regrets so I am ready to try getting through to youngsters about those warm coffins.


I will of course let y'all know how that goes! It looks like I'll be on the 6 o'clock news again...
Weird.
Amazing how much attention you get when you have a story like mine. I don't care about anything other than getting my message out to young boys and girls about the HUGE risk they are taking when using tanning beds. 


So here was todays treat to myself.





Oreo McFlurry with a Oreo Cream pie all smashed in there (still warm) from McDonalds. 
DROOOOOOOL.


This could be a new vice of mine.
Watch, give it a month and I may need a Oreo Intervention.


They are new those pies and two go for $1.39. I had to do it, and I don't regret it.


-E.

Update, Recipe and Sour patch goodies

WOW!!!

I feel amazing. Already I am feeling more like ERIN, with my headaches and malaise gone I feel fabulous. Mentally and physically. Ten days off that poison and I am already much better. Lovin' everyday more and more.

My only complaint- THE BITCH-ITCH!!!

It hasn't gotten any better. Just raging out of control. I have to cover every inch of myself because if I don't I look like Tyrone Biggums, and if you haven't read about me looking like Tyrone Biggums yet here he is:

Always scratchin'.


Mm mm mm.


http://youtu.be/FvOD6HLMbA4




IN OTHER NEWS


I made a delicious dinner this evening, to try and re-vitaminize after a weekend of poor choices as far as food goes.


I haven't posted a recipe in a while, so here goes.


Slammin' salmon, special spinach and meowy mashed. (Couldn't think of a m word that could describe the mash, so we'll just call it meowy mashed.)


SLAMMIN' SALMON


Salmon filet(s)
Salt 
Pepper
Cayenne pepper
Sesame oil


So I just preheat the oven to 400 and grease a pan with the sesame oil. 
Put those babies on there.
Spice em up with salt, pepper, a touch of that cayenne.
Give em half an hour in the oven, maybe 23 minutes, check it after fifteen.


(A tip for cleaning the pan after it's cooled down give it to your meowies and they'll make short work of the fishy oils and salmon skin. Wash it for real after.)


SPECIAL SPINACH


A bundle of spinach
One big leek
Garlic (I like the pureed stuff, it seems more delicious.)
Sesame oil (or vegetable oil, whatever you got, just don't cook it in carcinogenic olive oil!)
Salt and Pepper


Now I know lots of people who don't like cooked spinach, but I think my spinach is pretty damn special. 
Heat a frying pan with the sesame oil and garlic, salt and pepper.
Once it's sizzlin' throw the leek in there, chopped up of course.
Brown the leeks and then throw that washed and chopped (doesn't matter if you chop it, but you can)
and let it cook down, as spinach does.
Five minutes and that's that.


MEOWY MASHED


I believe I've posted these potatoes before but I'll post em again.


Mini yellow potatoes (for easy mashing)
Half a stick of butter (ok, maybe less, like a third)
Sour cream (or a little yogurt) or you can omit both no bigs
Garlic!


I boil the potatoes in garlic (not sure if this makes em garlickier, but I really don't know, I just tell myself it does).
 Boil those taters about 20-25 minutes and they should be mashable.
Mash them up with a healthy dose of that sweet sweet butter, garlic, salt pepper to taste, and the sour cream if you wish. 


So yeah, feeling much better already. 


Here's how you know I got my normal taste buds back.
I bought myself a sour treat.



Terrible shit to be eating but I swear my brother and I got the gummy gene from our father.


Now I gotta go watch four weddings and chat with KT.


-E.

STICKY BABY

Here are some highlights of my first weekend off Interferon.

FRIDAY

These two party animals were dancing from the second we got to the gay bar, and were trying to make me dance- which I wasn't in the mood to dance, I was in the mood to drink. So I kept trying to get away from them and then Kt pulled me down the stairs and somehow I am really not that sore. I think it happened two or three times during the course of the evening.

Normal party action pics

This is our waitresses ass. I can only imagine what happened for her to show up without pants on, it looked like she left her skirt at home, or a dog attacked her on the way to work and ripped her skirt to shreds, so she showed up and tried to create the image of half a skirt with her bar apron. 

Probably the best thing about the weekend.

Something about me at the end of the night and duck lips. I always do em. It's like I have less control over my face by 1230 or so, after several vodka cran and three green mystery shots.

See??? There's Mallard face again. gEEEEz. 

At least I don't look like Matt here... WTF???

SATURDAY

I ended up in ANOTHER gay bar last night, without my camera, which was a mistake.
Some guy handed me this card and disappeared into the crowd before I could even see his face. I guess he thought cause I was there with a gay (John) and a couple of gay looking guys (Oakland and Lucas) that I must need a jigalo because fruit flies can be lonely sometimes, being all married to a gay man and all.


This party carried on at home where I found Matt watching dumb YouTube vids and the last thing I remember before passing out at 4 am was stuffing a loaded donair and fried mushrooms in my face and then feeling a wave of disgust wash over me and then I decided I should call it a night.


SUNDAY


Well most of the day was a total write off because my bed was so cozy and my kitties were sleeping under the blankets with me, and they are like little furnaces, so warm and cuddly. They are still sleeping as a matter of fact, and Matt says that's cause he got them jacked up on Cat nip last night and they are exhausted now. I'm sure they'll wake up to terrorize us all night with weird meowing and tearing around the house.


Here is my Sunday dinner.



HANGOVER THERAPY:
PEPPERONI STUFFED CRUST PIZZA AND A GREEN POWERADE!!!


Now it has to be a pepperoni pizza, the stuffed crust helps even more, and the Powerade MUST BE GREEN. Melon pineapple. MMMMM. 


Here I am now, with my hangover hat and my baphomet Tee (cause it's Sunday).

I am going to carry on with my lazy self, searching for the end of the internet and watching sunday blockbusters, if I can find any. I was so excited for Walking Dead but then realized the season ended last week. Chances are pretty good that Matt will just channel surf all night, and I'll watch several things at once, like back and forth between the National Geographic channel and some movie on the action channel called the book of Eli started half way through. My tendency is to find a marathon of some show and leave it on that channel all night, I love Friends marathons the most, obvs.


Oooo now something called Gangland Homeland is on... Gotta go! 


Love you all!


-E.

One week without a shot of poison

It's been a week since my last Intron A shot, and I'm already feeling more NORMAL.

No headache, no yucky tummy, even the intense thirst is fading! I am loving it. Everyday is better and better.

One thing that is going to take more time is the ITCHING!!! It's making me BANANAS. Yesterday I felt like it wasn't as irritated but today is like it is fighting to stay alive, at it's maximum power and just going for the "get worse before getting better" thing. 

Half an hour ago I got in the shower and literally poured olive oil on myself, yes, and I do apologize if this produces unwanted visuals, but it did help me to at least get through the burning pain of a shower. I can't wait till I can enjoy (and take more) showers again....

I really can't complain too much because this horrible itching is why my doc stopped my treatment, so I'll deal (and scratch) for another little while (who knows how long.)

YAY!


Anyways, I'd better go, I am too itchy to type. I'm going to go see if I have any oatmeal in my cupboards, and make a queer paste to sleep in.


By the way, tomorrow I am going to a freakshow with the hubby, the girls (Kt, Jess, Randy) and their husbands (or most of them) and I hear there will be $3 drinks and "Bro-lesque."


Prehaps I will bring my camera this time...


Have a great weekend y'all!


http://youtu.be/w9ERiI1epI4

-E.

Rhiannon

My very favourite song of the moment.

http://youtu.be/py3w5fttedA

Thank you Stevie Nicks.

-E.

Zoom zoom

So already KT- actually her husband told me that I don't want to buy a new Mazda 3, but I kinda do... so which one? Black or white?

I don't know why but I like the way the white one looks a lot, and the black is super me, and only other colour I'd get is blue, but we already know a guy who has a blue Mazda 3 and every time I see a blue Mazda 3 I think of Cam.

Anywho, comments are appreciated, I have opened the comment forum so you don't have to be a member to comment. If you absolutely don't think I should get this car suggestions would be appreciated!

-E.

FREEDOM

So here it is.

The day I've been waiting for all year.

It's over.

I went in for my checkup this morning, and upon seeing how rashy I am my doc said that's that, stop interferon.

Being that I would have still had 10 shots left, I didn't believe him for a second, then I just smiled and it hit me! It's done. 


I would have done it to the end otherwise, I was set on finishing that shit, even though I am Rashy McGee and Miss Pissed.


Here is why my doc finally stopped this poison. 
(Sorry if this grosses anyone out, it's more for my archives really.)


A rash, a really really bad rash is why.

ARMS!!!

MORE ARM SCABS! YAY I LOOK LIKE A METH VICTIM!!!

HOW BOUT MY STOMACH?? YUP, IT'S AS ITCHY AS IT LOOKS!!!
(I'd show you all more but you get the picture here.)

I walked out in a daze, and the nurse lady at the counter looked at my file and said, 

"Oh wow, stop interferon! You must be happy!"

"I am just in shock right now..."

I said it was great cause I was going to have a shot tonight, and now I don't have to, then she says, well you should have a different kind of shot!

I almost don't even know what to say, this all hasn't sunk in yet.
I have been giddy, excited and completely blank today, but I have a smile on my face and can't even tell you how amazing it was to NOT get a needle in my stomach tonight. 
It is going to be hard to control myself once I have my normal taste buds back again, I am going to be eating and drinking everything. I fully expect to gain a few pounds, and probably get too drunk a few weekends in a row, fall down a flight of stairs, make a fool out of myself, eat a bunch of donair, possibly A & W, might start a riot, light fires, go looting, end up in jail...


Ha ha just kiddin' about the riot.




So I really must go back to basking in the fact that I am going to be feeling better soon and rubbing weird greasy stuff on my super itchy skin, but looking forward to going from sick to awesome by next week. I must say though, I am happy to be alive and finished the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, for my life.


-E.

More of the same

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but here's more of the same. 

Today felt like the day I can't put on my "I'm ok" mask. The first one in quite a while. 

Interferon has kicked my ass, I will admit. I am hardly fighting now but this drug has affected every aspect of my life to the point that I am powerless to it's effects and really am a prisoner to this shit. The itchiness is enough to put someone on the edge of madness, and the nauseous moments happen more and more, the excema is out of control and steroid cream doesn't work anymore, my appetite is hardly existing and I feel in a cloud for hours on end, and don't even want to hear my own voice or anyone else's for that matter, and I sleep and I sleep and I stay awake. 

(Before I go on I must say one ray of sunshine has been the slowing of the thinning of my hair, cutting it off probably saved most of it. It is still quite thin but since it was chopped it has seemed thicker somehow. )

So my poor husband is often the one I lose it on when I do, I've been calm and able to distract myself well enough for months, but today I wasn't calm. I was mad at everything, including him. We were on a walk and then I was annoyed at him for no real good reason, just wanted him to go away. Then we had a small tiff, nothing even to write about, and then I decided I wanted to walk alone. I took off. 

Once I was walking, I realized what I really wanted was to walk out of my own skin and leave myself. I just wanted to get away from everything that is the reality of my day to day. My body is a prison holding me back at the moment. It's not Matt, or anyone else. It's my body, and my job right now is to focus on getting through these last three weeks. I feel overwhelmed like I should be focusing on my husband and myself and my friends family blahblahblah, but how can I do that when everything revolves around the fucked up way I feel, mentally and physically? 

They say these shots has a cumulative effect, and many times during this treatment I've said how could it get any worse, and it's not like I've gone from feeling nauseous to actually vomitting all the time but more like more sudden overwhelming bouts of nauseous feeling that comes on just as quickly as it leaves. It's unpredictable and annoying as fuck. 

Every single one of these last shots are breaking me more and more and the thought of doing even these last 11 shots fills me with dread and anger. I feel like a chained torture victim.

I've been in survival mode now for so long but I feel like I can only keep up this facade of being ok for so long, and I am not even fighting to stay positive right now. I'm sick of this shit and ready for it to end.

I know I know, it's almost over. That's great and I am working towards that light at the end of a very dark scary tunnel, but when I get in the light there will be new challenges. 

That's a whole other blog entry.

For now, I must get to bed for I must be up early for blood tests and a checkup.

Thanks for listening y'all.

-E.