A hairy situation

So just a quick one with a few pictures, and blurb and maybe one link to a song. 

Melanoma took a lot from me, it changed me on so many levels. Once I was diagnosed stage 3 I was ready to fight hard and not give up, but I wasn't prepared for what treatment would do to my identity. After four months my hair started to come out in huge clumps in the shower, it got thinner and thinner and broke off on the ends, shortening it by a lot, until I broke and just cut it off.

To say I was devestated was an understatement. Slowly over the course of my treatment more and more hair disappeared and I started to feel ugly. I didn't recognize myself anymore; my identity was stripped away cruely. 

I dealt with it ok, in my way, by investing in lots of inserts of different colors, even had fun with the different colors and styles I could play with. Fake hair was probably the best investment I made in my well being while on a horrific and life-ruining treatment. After interferon I had a scary look of baby hairs growing in with straggly fly aways, brittle and straw like stressed tresses and it seemed like every day I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. They say hair isn't everything but it can be to a 20 something cancer patient who loses 2/3 of that hair. 

Every once in a while I snap a pic of the progress to see how far I've come. I credit the increased growth as of late to no more bleach, no more dye, expensive salon product and limited use of heat styling tools. There's a hashtag on Instagram- #LongHairDontcare but mine is #longhairICare. 

I'm happy.

It'll grow back they said. Well, it finally did. And I couldn't be happier. I finally feel truly myself, and siscors: no thanks. 😃

Since there's no songs about hair that I like, I'll just post a quick hair metal band tune, one of the best of the hair metal tunes ever, and I know my friend Jess will be rocking out to this one.

http://youtu.be/i3MXiTeH_Pg

Thanks for reading my weirdos, stalkers and loves. Without you I would care less about most everything in this wild world.

-E.

One week without a shot of poison

It's been a week since my last Intron A shot, and I'm already feeling more NORMAL.

No headache, no yucky tummy, even the intense thirst is fading! I am loving it. Everyday is better and better.

One thing that is going to take more time is the ITCHING!!! It's making me BANANAS. Yesterday I felt like it wasn't as irritated but today is like it is fighting to stay alive, at it's maximum power and just going for the "get worse before getting better" thing. 

Half an hour ago I got in the shower and literally poured olive oil on myself, yes, and I do apologize if this produces unwanted visuals, but it did help me to at least get through the burning pain of a shower. I can't wait till I can enjoy (and take more) showers again....

I really can't complain too much because this horrible itching is why my doc stopped my treatment, so I'll deal (and scratch) for another little while (who knows how long.)

YAY!


Anyways, I'd better go, I am too itchy to type. I'm going to go see if I have any oatmeal in my cupboards, and make a queer paste to sleep in.


By the way, tomorrow I am going to a freakshow with the hubby, the girls (Kt, Jess, Randy) and their husbands (or most of them) and I hear there will be $3 drinks and "Bro-lesque."


Prehaps I will bring my camera this time...


Have a great weekend y'all!


http://youtu.be/w9ERiI1epI4

-E.

FREEDOM

So here it is.

The day I've been waiting for all year.

It's over.

I went in for my checkup this morning, and upon seeing how rashy I am my doc said that's that, stop interferon.

Being that I would have still had 10 shots left, I didn't believe him for a second, then I just smiled and it hit me! It's done. 


I would have done it to the end otherwise, I was set on finishing that shit, even though I am Rashy McGee and Miss Pissed.


Here is why my doc finally stopped this poison. 
(Sorry if this grosses anyone out, it's more for my archives really.)


A rash, a really really bad rash is why.

ARMS!!!

MORE ARM SCABS! YAY I LOOK LIKE A METH VICTIM!!!

HOW BOUT MY STOMACH?? YUP, IT'S AS ITCHY AS IT LOOKS!!!
(I'd show you all more but you get the picture here.)

I walked out in a daze, and the nurse lady at the counter looked at my file and said, 

"Oh wow, stop interferon! You must be happy!"

"I am just in shock right now..."

I said it was great cause I was going to have a shot tonight, and now I don't have to, then she says, well you should have a different kind of shot!

I almost don't even know what to say, this all hasn't sunk in yet.
I have been giddy, excited and completely blank today, but I have a smile on my face and can't even tell you how amazing it was to NOT get a needle in my stomach tonight. 
It is going to be hard to control myself once I have my normal taste buds back again, I am going to be eating and drinking everything. I fully expect to gain a few pounds, and probably get too drunk a few weekends in a row, fall down a flight of stairs, make a fool out of myself, eat a bunch of donair, possibly A & W, might start a riot, light fires, go looting, end up in jail...


Ha ha just kiddin' about the riot.




So I really must go back to basking in the fact that I am going to be feeling better soon and rubbing weird greasy stuff on my super itchy skin, but looking forward to going from sick to awesome by next week. I must say though, I am happy to be alive and finished the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, for my life.


-E.

Eat the rich and listen to me bitch

Before I start in with some complaining, check this out, now I could get into this.

They say music is the food of love
Let's see if you're hungry enough
Take a bite, take another, just like a good boy would
Get a sweet thing on the side
Home cooking, homicide
Side order could be your daughter, Finger lickin' good

Come on baby, eat the rich
Put the bite on that son of a bitch
Don't mess around, don't you give me no switch
C'mon baby, eat the rich
C'mon baby eat the rich


So anyways, the bitching. I can't shake this shitty feeling. I am dizzy, nauseous, and have very little appetite. I have a general pain from head to toe, and now my lymphedema is manifesting symptoms again, but not like huge amounts of swelling, but a deep achey feeling. For those of you who don't know what lymphedema is, it is a side effect of lymph node removal where the fluid that used to pool in those nodes pools in your tissues of the extremity that those nodes were removed from. So for me it's my right leg and most noticeably, my foot.


Last year for 2 months after my surgery my foot was so swollen I looked like I weighed 400 pounds just by my foot. Drinking liquids of any kind made it worse but alcohol made it unbearably swollen and hard to walk. Don't miss those days. 


Nowadays it's just a little bigger than my other foot, and if I drink it flares up and gets fat, but it's not as painful as it first was. 


It's weird because I have pain all over that leg, on the top of my foot, in my ankle and calf. I went for a jog yesterday and felt a huge difference in how I run and how my calf feels when the muscle is pumping. I imagine this is permanent, but who knows. You just adapt and move on, learn to live with it.


This week I'm annoyed with all of it. So fucking done with this drug. 12 more shots to go, OMG.


One month till I am finished but it seems SO FAR AWAY. Everytime I take that shot I feel like my body is getting angrier and angrier and it is punishing me for this. The dry skin is driving me batty, and it's gotten so bad that it burns to take a warm shower, and when I come out I am covered in red. The water makes me scratch the shit out of my poor broken skin. As a result, I take less showers, and I LOVE SCALDING HOT SHOWERS.
 I will not miss this. 


With the way I feel now it's hard to remember what real "normal" feels like it has been so long. This morning I woke up feeling shitty and tired and thought maybe I wouldn't go into work, but five minutes go by and I have some water and I am ready to go.


Then I am driving to work and start feeling nauseous a block away. By the time I got there I felt ok, but I am left with this lingering shittiness.


Basically I do things that don't help all the time, and I can admit that having that latte is not the smartest thing to do, but I can't resist it. I love my espresso and milk, like I need one everyday. Last year I got off caffeine completely until about the end of summer, and still gotta have my coffee but I definitely pay for it after.


The real trick to feeling ok with interferon is WATER and lots and lots and lots of it.
I feel like I have spent the better part of this year searching for water, drinking water, needing water... I get so thirsty in the shower I drink the warm water. It's crazy.


You'll be SO TIRED of WATER that you'll drink anything else, and then get sick of it. 
I got sick of Crystal Light last year and now I can't even look at it. 
I drank so much of it trying to cover up the constant taste of rusty pipe I had in my mouth.


Lucky for everyone that rusty taste only lasted about 6 weeks, and once it was gone I rejoiced and was able to eat a lot more again.


I am so done with H2O but I need lots of it. Sometimes it tastes good and other times I just drink out of necessity. 


So lots of water=lots of peeing.
I can't go too far from a bathroom or a bush.


I will look forward to not being thirsty all the time in 29 days. 12 meow shots.


Did you catch that?


So quick review of LUX:


Shitty service, food was subpar for most of the table, mine was good because it was covered in bernaise, and though the drinks took a long time to reach us every time we caught the waitress they were effective and drunkening. At 10 bucks a pop they better be.


Here are a couple pics from the night:





Me And Huzbee







Me and my buddies John and Elaine.
HEART.
Two awesome friends that love me no matter what, and pretty much rule. 


We had fun anyways, but we won't be back, Matt says 2 1/2 stars out of 5.


That's not good.


So this blog was full of complaints, and I may be down physically right now but mentally I am still Rambo. Or I am doing a good job keeping myself distracted most of the time. I just keep reminding myself that the end to this is near, and everyday I am closer to the last shot.


-E.

A bag of dirty snakes and a flashback

So in 35 days I will be finished Intron-a so I won't get complain anymore.

Now I have been up and down this entire year and sometimes it's just a flatline of shitty but survivable symptoms. Some people just treat me like normal Erin all the time, others seem like they feel sorry for me but everyone shuts up when I tell them I can't make it "because of my cancer" (or that is what Kt told me to say.) 

When I started interferon I thought I didn't want to use my disease as a crutch, or as an excuse to not do something. But I will admit after a while you give up trying to convince people that you're ok and they are going to feel sorry for you anyways, so you might as well take advantage of the downtime and special allowances for you, since you are on cancer treatment.

A little while back I had a conversation with a young man who will remain nameless on this blog, discussing my current condition and the whole cancer thing.

He was very drunk and he was slurring, I doubt he would even remember this conversation, and he goes 

"Erin, lets get real here, you have a very serious disease."

I was like, you sound like my doctor _."

He was all drooly practically, so smashed, and he goes again

"But lets face it, you have cancer and it's not in remmission.."

"Well according to my doctor I am cancer free right now."

I say.

He responds with a drunken question mark in his tone, and then says

"But you still have the cancer"

I'm like

"I am hoping not."

He's like 

"But again, Erin, this is a deadly disease. Holy fuck I'm drunk. But you're gonna make it you're gonna make it."

I was like, "Thanks buddy that means a lot."

People don't always understand cancer and what it does. It is quiet and lurks in dark corners in your body and can come back after they say it's gone. But cancer can spread far and more and more people are surviving late stage cancers, but the problem with melanoma is you usually only get one chance to make sure that you catch the cancer, before it is a sure thing that you will die. Sad but so true.

It's a sneaky bitch, but so am I. 

Now anyways, on to the complaining.

So last night I had my Monday shot, and started to feel weird by 12, then took pills and managed to sleep until about 6 when I woke up with intense muscle and bone pain from my toes to my shoulders, more pills, back to sleep until 330!!! Didn't even open my eyes until then. I had to have been at my Grandma's to do her pedicure at 230, and I apparently shut off my alarm clock at one and the backup for 2pm, Jesus, it is alarming in itself to see 330 and not have even heard a loud siren of an alarm I have on my phone.


So I call my Grandma and she says, 
"Are you on your way dear?"
I'm like,
"No Grandma Frannie I just woke up! I didn't even hear my alarm clock. I am so sorry."


She laughs and goes 
"That's just fine deary we will try again next Monday"
My G-Fran rules.


The old Erin wouldn't sleep till 330 and totally miss an appointment, but this lesser version of Erin has to sleep SO HARD she can't even wake up. It is crazy the way it happens, but I am getting used to it. Most days after my shot I sleep quite a long time, anywhere from 11-14 hours. One thing that happens too is I feel wired off the shot for a while so I can't even sleep sometimes and then I crash hard for hours and hours. I should've known when I felt those muscle and bone pains that I would be sleeping all day. Lately my side effects have been a bag of mixed snakes. Sneaky and unpredictable snakes. Dirty snakes. Mean bitey snakes. 
Just a bag of stupid snakes. 


I have also been having those damn headaches ALL THE TIME it's like I have a constant headache. Luckily they aren't quite as bad as when they first started up before Christmas that brought me into the Cross for a brain scan. The lady got me on the table under some crazy super futuristic head scanner thingy and asked me if I had any questions, and I said "Yeah, can I get a copy of the image of my brain?"
She laughed and said they'd just be emailing the photo to my doctor and he could show me on the computer. They don't do film anymore.


I was like "damn snap! Ok."


Disappointed, they took some pics of my brain.


Amazingly, they said I was normal. No tumors. I knew it but still my head hurt.


I said, "Look people, these Tylenol extra strength isn't cutting it right now. My liver is pissed at me and you for treating it like the city dump. I need T3's."


He wrote me up a prescription for the T3's and that was that, and the headaches persisted a while before they finally stopped. Now they are back again, but super sporadic and quick, searing pain for a few minutes and disappearing again. 


Guess who gets to have another brain scan?
Lucky me I know.
The chances that it is cancer are quite slim, mainly because I had my melanoma on my lower extremities and it is very rare that they spread to the brain, it's too far away. Another tip to people with moles, if a mole on your head or neck changes, get it checked out RIGHT AWAY because if it is malignant it can quickly spread to the brain. You don't want this. Obviously.


So yesterday was a particularly head ouchie kind of day, so I called up the cross nurses to get Smiley (my oncologist is named Dr. Smiley. He specializes in melanoma and lung cancer.)
I spoke with the triage nurse and she asked me all the usual questions and then she was like, "so you want more t3's or do you want something else?"
I am like, uh, sure, something else, whatever... I just want the headaches to stop.
She's like, ok I'll get something for you ok dear?
Ok, thanks!
I get a call from the imaging peeps, who are always super funny and upbeat somehow, for another look see in my skull.


Anywho, I still haven't heard back about the drugs, but in the meantime, I forgot I had some prescription for Ibuprophen 600's lurking in my jewellery box,  found those and I was like SCORE!
They work pretty well.




I should be in a horrible mood considering my day, which I am not finished complaining about yet, but somehow I am in good spirits. It could be the fact that Twister is on Tv and what's his name in it is looking pretty handsome, in a hot tornado hunter kind of way.

I just love the hell out of a man with hairy arms, don't you?
(Helen Hunt can get the hell out of here though, she's kinda horsey.)

Oh I'm terrible. Hehehe. It gives me joy.


So here's another thing that could have made me lose my shit today. I go to John's and Danette, his awesome sister and my new best friend chops my hair off, we all go crazy over it, I'm so excited and loving it and then I am lured into my car with promises of dinner from my husband and get in, apparently slammed my key in the ignition and can't get it in and check and I have broken the fucking key right off! 


I'm like, WHAT. THE. FUCK.


First thing I do is call Matt, I am like, "honey..."
I explain and he drops what he's doing to come check out the scenario.


Times like these I am so thankful that I have a handy husband. I love my father but he didn't' seem to ever be that handy. I think he preferred to pay someone to do it for him to save him the pain in the ass and a plethora of colourful language, and overall compromised workmanship.


My amazing man got the piece of key out of my ignition and we then went to Canadian Tire and a Matt went in and said he needs someone who is really good at cutting keys and I guess some Newfie bitch manager starting going "We don't cut broken keys, you gotta go to a locksmith" in her newfie accent, and a girl begged her manager to cut it, and she let her, all reluctant and bitchy mean lady. 


Well it took a while but she got something nearly identical to it.
Matt jimmies it in and starts the car!


Yay! I drive shitbox home, and then Matt gives me a tutorial on how to jimmie it in and out.
Ugh I hate tutorials. I love my man but damn I hate when he tries to teach me something that you just have to get a feel for, and if you're frustrated, it's much harder to do.
"BAH! I CAN'T DO THIS."


I just give up and call it a locksmiths job. 

I will have to get this fixed post haste because I am a car person now. 
Without a car I ain't goin' no wherez. NO WHEREZ.

So anyways, go ahead and feel sorry for me now. Another thing, and some people may think this is a terrible thing to say, but since this is my blog I'll say it, I totally don't mind if you would like to use my cancer as a cop out please feel free! Just say, I can't, my friend Erin has cancer. Just do it. It would make me laugh so hard. Why not exploit the disease if it is mine? I can do what I want with my own "diagnosis" which at the moment is ok, other than a few little annoying things, but some people just want to believe you are much sicker than you are, and you can try and explain it to them but they just don't really get it.


That's my extremely long rant for the night. If you haven't seen my hair chop yet, scroll down to my entry, CHOP!


I am relieved it is done and I am in love with the ends. I want to do a little photoshoot for it, and I've got a great girl friend Rachelle of Crave Photography https://www.facebook.com/cravephoto I call Randy who will be the lady for this one. I think I want to do something super edgy in a downtown alley, or something romantic and pretty in her cool loft. Haven't decided yet. I find getting pretty pictures done makes you feel good about yourself, so why not. I enjoy modelling, and it all goes back to having to model in photography class all through high school. It's kinda cool to have nice or interesting pictures of yourself. There are several hanging in my apartment I gave to my husband. I like to look at them. Vain I know. I love being vain. Here is some throwback pics from a fun shoot with a girl I'd love to shoot with again. Miss Jenna Kiernan of J. Kiernan Photography. Heart.

So this one was taken in the graveyard across the street from me. It was so fun to shoot in there, and indulge my dark metal side.

Love this one cause it showcases my tat, that I put in 16 hours in total of pain with no drugs and my dear friend Jess worked so hard on to make the beautiful piece of art I'll have on my body forever.

Then we went out to New Serrepta, if you don't know where that is, don't ask me, like an hour out of Edmonton. We drove down a farming road and found this awesomely abandoned farm house with a couple small barns and a bunch of crazy shit, like this rocking horse and children's stories scattered all over the floor, toys and garbage. It was CRAAAZY but so cool. We talked about coming back there and having a party, but that hasn't happened.

Here I am with one of my favourite blades, a stabby Finnish number I keep in secret places in case I ever need to stab a crazy person that breaks into my apartment. I think of these things, yes.

Just before the storm...

In my eyes I'm far away


Thanks for reading about me everyone. Time I hit the sack.


-E.

Doctors are nuts, tanning beds kill

Hello world.

I just had my interferon shot and while I wait for my side effects to kick in as payment for my night off on Friday, I will blab at the world (or anyone who cares enough to read this.)

When I skip a shot, my next shot usually kicks my lily white ass. Tylenol is the only thing that fights the side effects, I load up but sometimes it doesn't matter. Oncologists call it "acetaminophen therapy"- just another thing to throw at my already over loaded liver- which taking a beating like a fucking champion I must say. If anyone deserves a trophy at the end of this it is my liver, it is made of steel apparently. 

Fuckin' eh.

Tomorrow I have yet another dermatologist appointment, with the fact that I've already had melanoma once I get paranoid because I am COVERED in moles, and I obsess over a few of them, and a few months back I had a pre-cancerous mole on my ankle, and I rushed in to have it punched out. My derm is a very strange man, he has a weird nerdy accent, and a poor bedside manner.

Whenever I see him he busts in the door like Kramer from Seinfeld.

Once he told me:

"Erin, you have a very serious disease that could kill you in five years. One out of three will be dead in five years of stage three melanoma. Do you understand that?"

I am taken aback by this comment, but I nod wide eyed, and terrified. Then he goes:

"So, when are you going to book me one of your vaults (at Ruth's Chris) ? I need a good buttery steak!"

I'm like, ok, here's my card, and he runs out of the room like his pants are on fire, telling me to make a follow up for three months.

I put on my clothes and get the fuck out of there.

After the crazy derm I go see my lovely nurse Colleen at the CCI to get poked and pick up more anti-puke pills and Intron-a needles. YAY! They have to give me blood tests every four weeks to make sure my organs are still working, and not completely shrivelled up and toxic!

I was only toxic once at the beginning of my treatment, on my second week of intense daily chemo, I started to feel like I was dying. I had zero energy, felt so sick, didn't want to eat or drink anything, and had a constant metallic taste in my mouth, I was ready to jump off the highlevel bridge. I felt like something had to be wrong, worse than just chemo side effects. So I go see my oncologist for my weekly testing and he stops treatment right away. I had no immune system left and my liver was toxic. I was like- ok so I am not crazy, I am actually dying!

I had a week off then they resumed me at half the dose. During that week I went back and forth about finishing treatment, I decided I was going to quit and go back to my normal life. 

When I heard my mothers voice when I told her, and the look on my husbands face, I started to think that, ok, maybe I can do this for them. 

Now I am 8 weeks away from being finished this shit.

I urge all of you who read this to spread the word about tanning beds. They is nothing healthy about tanning. For every four sessions your risk for melanoma increases by ten percent. EVERY FOUR SESSIONS. Did you also know that if you have had a family member suffer melanoma you have a 50% chance of having it too. Scary hey? 

Anyways, just some facts to think about. You are playing with a gun that is full of bullets, and you don't know when you are going to get one. If you think it can't happen to you, you are just like me and all the cancer patients in the CCI. Not one of those people thought that their habits would catch up to them... or maybe some knew the risk but still smoked, tanned, drank too much... whatever. Your body isn't your playground. Everything you do to it will show in your health later. Good or bad.

I know how hard it is to be good to your body sometimes, especially with all the designer cupcake stores opening up around town, and all my friends smoke the sexy beast, and there are so many good parties to go to, there are temptations everywhere. Being bad just feels so good, I feel like to indulge is to really live. I live for rich food, wine, tequila and cigarettes, what can I say? 

Thinking about using tanning beds now makes me sick. I can't believe I bought the whole tanning is healthy bullshit and really only have myself to blame for my 15 months of hell. Please please please I beg all people who use tanning beds to STOP NOW, before you have to spend your week seeing doctors who tell you that you could die soon. It's not worth the "benefits."

A lot of people say to me that it helps with their excema. Their acne. To those people I say- "once you are on interferon for skin cancer, you'll have the worst excema you've ever had. It will burn and itch and keep you up at night. It is the itchiest hell. Go get some steroid cream from your doctor. Tanning isn't going to be worth it. 

Ok, I will end this rant with this: TANNING BEDS KILL.

(and doctors are nuts.)

That is all.

In other news, I started having fun with beads recently, and last night I made a rosary with the cross I bought at the cabaret the other day. Check it out!

I so enjoy making necklaces. I think this year I will be making lots of necklaces as presents.

Now check this out and go to bed you guys!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/who-is-paul-mccartney

-E.

Sleep day, random night

What a stupid day.

So I take my shot last night as usual, take my "concomitant" medications- Tylenol extra strength and Metocloprimide. (Anti-nauseant).
I went to bed fairly early for me because I started feeling really tired. What happens is I can't stop yawning and I am overcome with this intense exhaustion-lights out for me.

About 4 or 5 am I wake up with pain all over. Completely nauseated. Head pounding, horrible feeling of general malaise. I slam back more concomitants and do manage to pass out, but then I sleep without opening my eyes till 2 in the afternoon.
I know you're thinking, "2 in the afternoon? That's a lot of sleep!"
It doesn't stop there folks.
I get up at two, feeling very drowsy, make breakfast, eat a few bites, then pass out on the couch till four.

Now I wake up at four, still feeling yucky, I think maybe a shower would bring me back from the dead, like it always does when I am hungover. I almost fall asleep in the shower.
I get out of the shower and think, hmm, maybe I should exercise, that'll help.
Then I wake up and it's 630.
I passed out again!

Now I know what you're thinking now, Erin, you're on cancer treatment. When you sleep you are healing.
I know this, but it still sucks to have to sleep your life away. You wake up so late that everything is over for the day, I have to be productive in the later afternoon/ evening, and I deal with this, but 630????
Fucking ridiculous I think.

Anyways enough whining.
So now I am wondering what I am going to do to get to sleep tonight, at least I am cozy with my amazing knee high witch stockings and purple dream slippers.

You're jealous. I know.

(I look like neon big bird's lower half.)


So as I mentioned earlier this week, I will be LACED UP at this event tomorrow.

Honestly this isn't my "thing" per se, I feel like events like these are for scenesters mainly, but my girl is walking in a corset and honestly I want an excuse to wear one too and window shop the very expensive corsets. I do plan on having a couple of cocktails too. ;)
Don't worry I'll drink lots of water.
Kt will be mad when she reads this.

Speaking of KT she has been in the desert the whole week, and I miss our night time chats. We get on the phone and blab about something, then go off and do our own thing on the phone ignoring each other then sporadically talking about some other non sense. Usually each conversation involves us talking about oils we want, oils we ordered, and oils we like.

My delicious scent of the week is....

Midnight Mass.

It smells like Traditional Roman Catholic incense, a slightly soapy mix of frankincense and myrrh. I find it haunting.
Now I don't go to church but I have gone to a few midnight mass ceremonies. I love the carols, I find it so beautiful, but I think I would make a terrible Catholic.



If only there was smell-o-vision. I would have a scented blog.

I have a bottle of Friday The 13th coming too. There are 13 accursed ingredients and I look forward to seeing how they smell together. Hehehe!!!

Sorry I haven't had any recipes lately, I best be getting' my ass in the kitchen and doing some wifin'!
I promise one soon.

I should probably work on "relaxing" and I don't think NACHTMAHR is going to do that for me. I have enjoyed them this evening though.

http://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/alle-lust-wll-ewigkeit/id328922159

I have been deep into dark electro lately, and this is one for my car for violent cruising.

Rad. So anywhoozles,
OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID IT HAHA SO DUMB!!!

I promise to take pictures of the spectacular party tomorrow evening, but first I'll need to load up on one of these:

Fried oyster po' boy at DA-DE-O BAYYYY-BEEEEE!!!
(And sweet potato fries.)

MMMMMM!!!

-E.

The Beast returns

I am gonna use this blog as my diary today.

Ok so I had a good day at work, cause I never think about smoking there. I keep myself busy typing and printing and during the day I rarely think of smoking. 

Then as I am leaving for the day a raging Interferon back ache starts up.

These beasts are difficult to describe. When I first started my treatment I didn't get them and then about 6 months in I started to get this intense back pain that radiates up and down my spine and into the muscles in my back all the way into my chest. The pain was so horrific for a couple of weeks straight, I took 100 t3's and countless Advil. I was completely out of my mind from the interferon, I was very anxious and almost delusional. I started seeing my symptoms as sure signs the cancer had returned, and I had convinced myself I was dying.

So I go to the doctor, and I am a mess crying on my husband's shoulder. My nurse Colleen (who rules by the way) comes up and says "Oh no Erin, why are you crying?" I tell her I am having horrible back pains and she goes- "How's the Paxil going?"

I say I am not on Paxil.

She goes HMMMM...

That will have to change.

Once I see my doctor, he writes me a prescription for some crazy pills and checks my back. 

"I don't feel anything"

he says.

Which pretty much means he doesn't feel a tumor in my back.
"It's most likely caused by the Interferon."

(Like I said in a previous post, oncologists take care of cancer, nothing else.)

"So that's that and take more tylenol. See you in a month."

Well that pain is back. It's not quite like the stabbing pain it was a few months ago, but it's starting. Hopefully it doesn't get much worse than this, or I am going to be requesting some harder drugs from my doc. It is an intense flu-ish aching, pulsing in my spine and back. Right now it's mostly on my shoulder blades.

GAH!

Sorry to be such a crybaby, usually I would just suffer in silence cause no one wants to listen to someone go whaaa whaaa whaaa poor me, but since this is MY blog you all have to listen to my misery.

So since my day started sucking I lost my control and broke down and had a smoke.

I know, I screwed up. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself.

First thing that happened was my headache went away, then I felt that calm wave of smokey deliciousness, then feelings of guilt and shame washed over me, then I put it out and sat down and then I wanted another one. It is a good thing I don't have any cause I would chain smoke if given a deck.

SO! FAIL!

Now you're saying

"YOU CAN DO IT!"

I say 

Shutup.

I'm sorry, I know I can do it, but like I said in my last entry I don't want to quit.

That is a huge part of the problem.

I know what I should do, it's just I don't have enough will power and motivation to do it.

Blah blah blah ok I need a cupcake...

Onwards!

Here's some good news about the fight against tanning beds!

New South Wales, Australia has banned all artificial tanning, to begin in 2014.

Solariums banned across NSW

Updated February 04, 2012 11:22:11

PHOTO: The Cancer Council argues that anyone who first used a tanning bed before they turned 35 has doubled their risk of developing melanoma. (Volker Hartmann: AFP)

RELATED STORY: Kempsey mother pushes state government to introduce new solarium legislation

RELATED STORY: Study finds solariums continue to break the law

RELATED STORY: Sun sets on solariums

MAP: NSW

The New South Wales Government has become the first in the country to announce it is banning all solariums.

The Cancer Council has been lobbying for solariums to be banned for years, arguing that anyone who first used a tanning bed before they turned 35 has doubled their risk of developing melanoma.

The campaign gained momentum after death of Melbourne woman Clare Oliver from skin cancer in 2007.

Now NSW Environment Minister Robyn Parker says the Government has agreed to ban tanning beds from 2014.

"It is a number one carcinogen. It's equivalent to asbestos," she said.

Greens MP John Kaye has welcomed the ban but says it should be immediate.

"Waiting around for waiting around for three years means about 43 people we estimate will die needlessly," he said.

Ms Parker says the 2014 deadline was chosen to give tanning businesses a chance to diversify

Cancer Council chief executive Dr Andrew Penman says despite the delay, the ban will still be effective.

"I think the effect of today's announcement will be to send out a very strong message to the industry," he said.

"I suspect the industry will start dismantling its capacity ahead of 2014 and I'm sure that people who potentially are users of these centres will really prick up their ears and understand the seriousness of the exposure they've subjected themselves to."

-ABC NEWS

Pretty great that they are completely outlawing tanning beds all together. I am all about the fight to ban teenagers from tanning beds, but I didn't start till I was 18 and from then till I was 23 I managed to damage my skin enough to have melanoma 4 years later, banning kids is one thing but I believe they should be illegal for everyone. It's crazy how many people do it and justify it by thinking the benefits outweigh the risk, these people are just fooling themselves.

The chances are greater that they will have melanoma than not.

Here's what's going on with the Teen Tanning Debate here in Canada:

Bezan Denounces Tanning Beds in Honour of World Cancer Day

2/3/2012

Ottawa, ON- In honour of World Cancer Day, James Bezan MP delivered a tough statement in the House of Commons on the hazards of artificial tanning equipment.   

“Studies have shown that using tanning beds at a young age increases the risk of skin cancer by 75%,” stated Bezan.  He continued by stating that “The World Health Organization has moved tanning beds to the highest cancer risk category: ‘Carcinogenic to humans.’”

MP Bezan used the opportunity to raise awareness for the alarming rate of Canadians who are diagnosed with skin cancer every year.  Bezan provided the unsettling statistic that 5,500 Canadians are diagnosed with melanoma annually, and 950 will die from it and 74,000 cases of non-melanoma skin cancers are expected annually of which 270 Canadians will die.   

In December, Mr. Bezan tabled a Private Members Bill that tackles the health risks associated with tanning beds and their links to skin cancer.  To build support for the legislation that imposes hard hitting restrictions on the tanning industry, Mr. Bezan took the opportunity to call on all Parliamentarians to support this important piece of legislation.   

MP Bezan’s Private Members Bill (Bill C-386) will prohibit anyone under 18 years of age from using tanning beds.  Furthermore, this piece of legislation requires that radiation warning labels on tanning beds explicitly state that tanning equipment can cause cancer and may be carcinogenic.  In addition to having warning labels affixed to the tanning equipment this bill will require that large warning labels also be placed in all commercial establishment providing artificial tanning equipment. 

Bezan also offered some words of advice for all those soaking up the sun on vacations this time of year.   

“To escape the winter, many Canadians are heading south to sunny destinations.  I urge them to protect their skin, their body’s biggest organ.  Stay in the shade when you’re outdoors, cover-up and use sun screen” urged Bezan.  “Many Canadians will also crawl into Tanning Beds to get their base tans.  I cannot stress how harmful this equipment is.”    

  

So that's that my lovelies, thank you for reading. The chances that I will be eating cupcakes tonight is very high.

There will be more this week... maybe even a top ten list.

-E.