May mishmash

Well it's been an interesting month so far!

First my boyfriend and I went to banff and ate and drank until I gained back 5 pounds I kinda didn't want, but oh well. It was delicious. We did some teepee creeping, which for those who don't know is basically a booze cruise, stopping at every establishment that is pouring beer and after 5 hours we went to dinner pretty much drunk, I was hiccuping bubbles like a cartoon character. 

A teepee creep is traditionally a freeloading booze cruise. You stop at one teepee and ask your buddy for booze and tobacco, and then when all the booze is gone and all the cheeba smoked you move on to the next teepee, sometimes extra buddies join the creep but then stay at the next teepee for various reasons- good booze and tobacco or just too drunk to keep creeping. Sometimes there's fights, drunken accusations of theft from buddies teepee, there might even be a teepee fire! But the unpredictability of the creep is what makes it a party. You creep the whole town and then when you're back at the home teepee you rest, but sometimes you might just have to rest at someone else's teepee. The point is to freeload everyone else's shit and make them think they partied with you, when really you just drank their hooch and smoked their cheeba.

Either way a good teepee creep should involve multiple teepees and end in a drunken pass out.

A few weeks back I noticed a bump in my underarm (Esthetican speak for the ugly word armpit) which grew into a lump under the skin. Alarm bells went off but I decided not to panic and give it a couple of weeks. Well a couple of weeks go by and it had grown, and hurting. Uh oh I said. What the fuck is that. 

So I call my oncologist and two seconds later they are booking me with my surgeon, aka Mr. Nicey Slicey, and I'm in full on panic mode. I actually had a job interview at the same time as the appointment they booked me so I asked if they could get me another date, but then they decided I should just go to my family doc. 

Ok whatever. 

Waited ten tense days to see my doc, who ordered an ultrasound STAT, which I did appreciate since this alien thing was growing it's own face and eyes and taking up space in my body at that point.

Here's the only benefit to being a cancer patient: you get results in under an hour sometimes. They do not fuck around. It's literally the only perk, if you can call it a perk.

It isn't malignant. It's a cyst.

Huge sigh of relief. I immediately started eating again. Stuffed a long john down my throat in one bite. Fuck.

The thing is about having cancer once is that whenever you feel something weird in your body your mind immediately goes to CANCER. Oh here it is, the lump that's gonna end it all. But it's just not always going to be cancer, and you have to try and stay calm till you know, not an easy thing to do. 

Basically the cyst would be more painful to remove than to just leave in there so that's what I'm gonna do. Leave it. Let the fucking thing enjoy it's stay in hotel Hex. Whatever. I've seen what they do- they cut you open and take out the pocket of stinky cheese clump, and then pack the wound with gauze! You have to clean and pack it yourself for a couple of weeks, and I am not sure if this is even a cure for it. So just leave it alone, no picking- hard for me- I love to pick and squeeze- and it ain't gonna kill ya.

Yuck, bodies make some gross shit.

Finally the 16th was my bunny Evie's 1st birthday, and it was the cutest! She had on a party dress and liked all her books and toys, and even had a cake all to herself which she picked up with both hands and put to her mouth, getting covered in icing while all of us laughed and took pictures. The cutest.

I wasn't really on it with the camera but here's a couple. Most of the cake ended up on her face dress and the floor. Love it.

-E.

Weekend Warrior

Before I recap my awesome weekend and you get to look at more photographs than listen to me ramble know this:

I AM A TOE STUBBER.

If there is something the universe places in my path that is just at the right stubbing angle, I will be HURTIN', FOR CERTAIN.

I probably stub my toes at least once a week, sometimes even multiple times a day.

I like to think it might be something the universe does to remind me that I actually CAN be stopped. 

I dunno, it just seems like I get a good stub in every few fucking days, and I have stubbed so hard that I've actually cried like a wittle baybeeee. Yes.

Just stubbed one GOOOOOD on a conspicuously placed box that and it was totally inevitable. Ugh, whatever. Just thought the world would like to know that.

HERE'S SOME PICS OF MY WEEKEND!

SATURDAY, JOHN'S BIRTHDAY, ME AS DESIGNATED DRIVER BY CHOICE, WEIRD I KNOW!

After sushi we had the 'Kitty litter cake" by Miss Kyra! OMGOSH I laughed my fucking ass off. It looked too gross to eat but IT WAS DELICIOUS!

TO THE GAY BAR!

Me and my chosen family, sickos and gays, and both combined.

Me, John, Amanda (my 'sister')  Elvis and Seth!

Can you believe I am sober here?!

More with my sis Amanda, with gay porn in the backround!

Da boyyyzzz getting their drank on

Jeremiah showed up with Leo from TRASYLVANIA, in the Carpathian m'fckn mountains!!!

I always ask him so many questions about Dracula.

GETTIN' DOWN!

Right before I tried the splits for the first time since my surgery, and I can do them BETTER THAN EVER! WTF???!!! HOW????!!! Who cares, I can still do the splits at 29, I feel young again! Like 21 instead of 29, yeah doggy.

But of course the cameraman was too drunk and dancey to get a shot, so I can't prove it I guess, but IT'S TRUE I'LL SHOW YOU!!!

I am in reality a better dancer when sober, but I always think I am the best dancer when I am drunk.

Sweaty dance floor shot of me and one of my bros Seth

More Jammin'

Skanky myspace angle bathroom selfie, all important shot

THE BIRTHDAY BOY and my very best friend and soul mate JOHN!

Looking skinnier than a starving African child, aka, FABULOUS!

HORNS!!!!

Drunk revellers

Showing off my gigantic booty! HAHAHA

SUPERMODEL WERRRK

From left, Elvis aka The King, me, Jer!

Black light lovin'

WE GOT JOHN JUST FUKIN HAMMERED!

Hahaha great night, it is possible for me to go to a bar, have fun and...

 NOT BE DRUNK AS SHIT! 

From time to time.

SUNDAY

I went out to a place called Glenvis, aka the middle of fuck no where, to model for a couple great local photographers, Kefka from Kefkism Design (who did my wedding shots) and Jennifer Jorgensen of Picture us here Photography!

Kef will make me wait to see his shots but here's Jennifers!

Not sure where she took this shot! It was definitely in one of the abandoned houses we shot in!

This is what a psychopath looks like.

I really really love this shot. First time I got to wear this dress, and got it just right.

I've been an admirer of hers for a couple years and was honored that she wanted to shoot me! We had such fun too!

Today was mostly average, except when I went to Safeway after work.

I always look for the best possible and closest parking, cause I hate carrying a million groceries and I DON'T use carts, too annoying, and can slide into others cars and they cost a dollar or something. Forget it.

So here I see a ROCKSTAR spot, but the idiot in the huge ass hemi parked next to it crooked and into my spot a little but I said MEH, I can fit.

Well I purposely parked a little closer to the hemi that parked like a fool and had me a little chuckle about it. 

GO AHEAD, Smash your door on my car, it's old and made of steel, it's blue and will only fuck up your paint job!

HAHAHA
I go in my head as I walk into Safeway to get food for the week.

I come out and THIS RIGHT HERE is on my window:

It's no secret that I enjoy getting a rise out of people especially when they are total idiots.

Looks like I pissed him off, but it sure made my day extra special!

I'm totally keeping this note in my car for the next asshole parking Hemi I come across.
These guys are like AL-BUR-DA!!! ME HAVE TRUCK! ME PARK LIKE FOOL! ME NO CARE!

Here's what I am doing right now:

Being albino, wearing my woollen Hobbit hat that has a bit of an amish chic feel that I love, it goes with all the other wool I'm wearing, my skirt socks and leggings. With a fluffy little curled up kitty in my lap. Decent Monday I say.

-E.

Eostre, beware the bitchy bunny

  HOPPY EASTER Y'ALL!!!

WOW! How do I sum up this crazy easter weekend? With pictures and dumb captions, perhaps even by telling too much. I dunno I am all over the map today.

GOOD (BAD) FRIDAY

(ALSO KNOWN AS KT'S 29TH PUKEDAY)

Russian Tea room.

Nothing Russian about it.

More Filipino than anything else.

They did have some cool weird piggy banks at the front that I didn't buy...

No pics there.

Next on to Flash Nightclub, for a Drag show... or the Madhatters Gala apparently, or at least that's what the poster I ripped off the wall said.

I took the Poster off the bathroom wall whilst my best girlfriend Miss KT puked her brains out after too many shooters in a row, typical of her. Go too hard and end up praying to the porcelain god wayyyyy too early.

Anyways, I don't want to embarrass her or she'll make me take this post down, but she was a mess. She wanted CHOCOLATE HURRICANES and she got one, but then I could see the sickness overcome her. 20 minutes later and her parents arrived, we went outside for a party smoke with Roddo and then next thing I know KT is apparently face in toilet.

So I go check on her and she won't let me in, she later admitted she didn't know it was me and thought I was her sister Sandy, and she was full on Princess Pukey.

I decided it was time and went and grabbed her Leathers (aka her Louis Vuitton I'd die for and her Jacket)

 and lined up her husband to get the car, all I had to say is "That's it, home time." It took me ten more minutes to coax my way back into the stall to dress her, straighten out her Tiara and pull up her panties.

 Just kidding about the panties.

Put her in the car and then she proceeded to puke in a homesense bag or something.

She wasn't happy in the morning, but she was up earlier than me that's FO SHO.

My partying continued.

Long story short there was a table full of old skool very drunk lesbians that bought me drinks all night, didn't even cop much of a feel, just told me they like Reds with that creamy white skin. 

Works for me, I didn't take a dime out of wallet all night.

Our time at Flash ended with the "bouncers" aggressively kicking out my husband and then myself and few friends left after he used his knife under the table to try and remove a loonie from a bottle cap, and it was me who escalated the whole thing. I walked up and some guy was already yelling at me about my husband apparently "Brandishing" a weapon, ok, maybe so, but holy smokes, these guys were so angry and bitchy in my face that I gave them a show. I started off on them about all the other bullshit happening in the bar, not to mention the lack of seats on the women's toilets, disgusting and illegal, and all the other sub par shit about this crappy bar, the blatant drug use in the bathrooms, really I don't care, but I think I was just bored and wanted to create a good ol' fashioned scene. I haven't had the energy for a year to act like a fool in public, and I always enjoy a little trouble with all eyes on me, I will admit. I'll be quiet and sweet until I erupt like a volcano. That's just me.

Or it could have also been the combination of VodCran's, chocolate Hurricanes and prescribed Steroids. It really made me CRAZY, they warned me the Roids would be a bit of an upper.

I had no idea they would make me into an angry gym bunny.

Here are some of the random shots taken by the ever camera ready Best Gay and Friend ever, my heart, JOHN!!! Thanks babe!!!

Me with Demon eyes, with the ladies and Angie.

The party people, and an awesome Drag Queen named Felatia in the background.

John right after the butt judging competition.. he always judges 'em. Boys only.

Me off the chain with a very annoyed looking Matthew.

So yeah, my husband and remaining friends were "bounced" out of this bar, and it was on to Buddy's nightclub.

More debauchery ensued there, and it's a good thing there isn't any pictures of that, more lesbians were lovin' me and buying me drinkie poo's and it is mostly a blur of me dancing to Nicki Minaj while my sweetheart hubby held my purse and looked super annoyed that his wife was on the rampage... but it's ok he is over it now.

So I omitted several details from this this crazy evening so as to not scare y'all, if you really want the dirty on my craziness email me for the DEETS :). JK. I pretty much summed it up.

Oakland ended up on our couch after this BANANA evening and Matt passed out while we watched weird bands on YouTube and drank champagne, great end to a crazy night.

SATURDAY.

No pictures, just shame.

Dirty dirty hungover shame.

Three Gatorades, two pizza pops, several samosas, a bunch of dried apples a couple black teas my prescribed drugs and I was good to go.

Went to hang with a bunch of queers, men and women at John and Jers, then I brought John to my house where Matt and Oakland were lying around pantless, full of Pub Style Buffalo chicken bites and nursing their shame with the rest of my Vodka and Matt's whisky.

I had to pop a bunch of pills to relieve the itch and then pretty much passed out.

End of the Saturday story.

EASTER SUNDAY

(ZOMBIE JESUS DAY)

Slept in but got up to make butter tarts from scratch for dessert tonight.

I for some reason am really good at tarts of any kind, and find myself making them for many different holidays and parties.

Plus I know a butter tart can make my dad smile, so I love to make them for him.

We ate, we drank, talked about the ultra-nakedness of Kinsmen change rooms and how everyone just walks around totally nude for no good reason... for hours... lotioning and using strange talcs and even removing hair in a wayyyy too public manner in sinks and under the dryers. Fucking disgusting and unnecessary if you ask me.

Club fit and World Health you never see that.

Most people make an effort not to be tooooo naked.

That was a large chunk of our Easter Dinner convo this evening, ahhh, good times.

I seriously appreciate this Easter dinner this year.

Last year I was on the couch, 20 pounds lighter, sick as hell and not wanting turkey, ham, potatoes or any other rich yummy holiday foods anywhere near me.

This year I helped my mother host and ate "A Dad plate"- a plate completely covered in food, not an inch of the plate showing, with TONS of gravy, it was wonderful. Ate it all too.

One extra special part of the evening was my new necklace from my parents OMG OMG OMG

Cutest Betsy J. Black cat charm three tier necklace.

Please ignore the rashy excema skin in the background.

A close up, I do love that necklace, the red wine lips, not so much.

I personally hate this pic of me but I am only putting it up here cause Matt said it was pretty.

Overall, a great weekend. There has been so many fun things to do on weekends since I stopped treatment, and I am going to soak it up and yes, go crazy.

I understand my brand of crazy can be a little scary at times, but really I don't mean any harm and just could care less about being judged by the things I say and do, especially now that I value life SO much more.

Crazy can be scary, but it can also be very good. If I am not crazy I am not Erin.

That's when you should be afraid.

LOVE Y'ALL!!! OFF TO THE MIDNIGHT EASTER EGG HUNT!!!

(Me finding Mini Eggs and eating them.)

This is my song this week.


Listen to it, I promise it will move you.


http://youtu.be/HDDA8PuvrIg


-E.

STICKY BABY

Here are some highlights of my first weekend off Interferon.

FRIDAY

These two party animals were dancing from the second we got to the gay bar, and were trying to make me dance- which I wasn't in the mood to dance, I was in the mood to drink. So I kept trying to get away from them and then Kt pulled me down the stairs and somehow I am really not that sore. I think it happened two or three times during the course of the evening.

Normal party action pics

This is our waitresses ass. I can only imagine what happened for her to show up without pants on, it looked like she left her skirt at home, or a dog attacked her on the way to work and ripped her skirt to shreds, so she showed up and tried to create the image of half a skirt with her bar apron. 

Probably the best thing about the weekend.

Something about me at the end of the night and duck lips. I always do em. It's like I have less control over my face by 1230 or so, after several vodka cran and three green mystery shots.

See??? There's Mallard face again. gEEEEz. 

At least I don't look like Matt here... WTF???

SATURDAY

I ended up in ANOTHER gay bar last night, without my camera, which was a mistake.
Some guy handed me this card and disappeared into the crowd before I could even see his face. I guess he thought cause I was there with a gay (John) and a couple of gay looking guys (Oakland and Lucas) that I must need a jigalo because fruit flies can be lonely sometimes, being all married to a gay man and all.


This party carried on at home where I found Matt watching dumb YouTube vids and the last thing I remember before passing out at 4 am was stuffing a loaded donair and fried mushrooms in my face and then feeling a wave of disgust wash over me and then I decided I should call it a night.


SUNDAY


Well most of the day was a total write off because my bed was so cozy and my kitties were sleeping under the blankets with me, and they are like little furnaces, so warm and cuddly. They are still sleeping as a matter of fact, and Matt says that's cause he got them jacked up on Cat nip last night and they are exhausted now. I'm sure they'll wake up to terrorize us all night with weird meowing and tearing around the house.


Here is my Sunday dinner.



HANGOVER THERAPY:
PEPPERONI STUFFED CRUST PIZZA AND A GREEN POWERADE!!!


Now it has to be a pepperoni pizza, the stuffed crust helps even more, and the Powerade MUST BE GREEN. Melon pineapple. MMMMM. 


Here I am now, with my hangover hat and my baphomet Tee (cause it's Sunday).

I am going to carry on with my lazy self, searching for the end of the internet and watching sunday blockbusters, if I can find any. I was so excited for Walking Dead but then realized the season ended last week. Chances are pretty good that Matt will just channel surf all night, and I'll watch several things at once, like back and forth between the National Geographic channel and some movie on the action channel called the book of Eli started half way through. My tendency is to find a marathon of some show and leave it on that channel all night, I love Friends marathons the most, obvs.


Oooo now something called Gangland Homeland is on... Gotta go! 


Love you all!


-E.

Fucked up Friday, Satanic Saturday

FUCKED UP FRIDAY
(by fucked up I mean drunk)

So, last night was LACED UP and that we did!

Now, I missed half the show because there was a queer system where they had people with tickets in the same line up as those without tickets, what genius thought up this idea? We froze our corseted asses off outside Empire Ballroom at West Ed.

Melissa and I couldn't handle the freezing so we went to the washroom by the casino entrance to drink the cider we brought with us and on the way we met some dude named Silver Dave. He asked if we were going to the cabaret. We said yes but we aren't standing in that line up and so he went and stood for us. We had a couple ciders and had a bathroom photoshoot.

Unfortunately most of those pics are on Melissa's phone, so I can only tell you they are amazing of course, bathroom shoots always are, but here's the basics:

This girl MOSHES in those boots. Definition of a badass metal head. Miss Diva here is my ultimate party buddy. When we get together it is sure to be trouble. That's why I love her.

That's a weird look on my face... I probably had to sneeze but my corset was too tight I couldn't!

What I didn't take pics of was the burlesque performances, which I am not usually keen on... my opinion on this could offend people. So I'll just shut my mouth on this one. But I must say, the headliner chick Raquel Reed, who is a very interesting looking model, burlesque dancer, did an amazing fan dance that captivated the audience. She was really really good.

She pretty much ruled.

I of course didn't take a picture, but here is what she wore, photo courtesy of Facebook creeping.

Fucking insane.

From Left! Miss Randy (Rachelle), Jess and meeeeeee

Once we finally got in we missed had missed the fashion show! That was a little disappointing because my foxy friend Jess walked in this beautiful purple number I wish I owned.

This is of course the only pic where you can see my corset! I should know better to get myself at good angles... but you get the picture. 

Jess, random guy- (it was his birthday!) Randy

(I now call you Randy, Rachelle)

Jess is seeing the party in 3-D after dancing' the night away.

I got this beautiful custom metal Petrine Cross from a cool guy named Micheal Scorpio  who is a photographer/ metal fabricator here in the city. He was selling them at the show. It has a purple sheen.
 I LOVE IT!
I think I will turn it into a rosary.

End of the night drunk duck faced bitches.

Jimmy's going- How did I get such a hot wife???

Bottle service Bitch!

They all got dranken. Don't worry.

This is what too much fun looks like.

End of the night squinty eyed drunken beast bitches.
Waiting in the longest coat check line EVAAAA.

So luckily I was there with this crazy bitch and she knows EVERYBODDDYYYYY. Everybody in Edmonton. There was a gothy, weird but cute young guy who's name I don't recall but I feel like it was simply Xe, offered us a ride home and claimed to be straight edge therefore sober, so of course we accept.
First he drives us to Mickey D's which is always a mistake, a glorious drunken mistake, then then to drop off Melissa, and then me. I told this kid my life story, well at least this last year, and he thought I was crazy when I told him I narrowly escaped death from skin cancer, he didn't apparently know anything about it. I think he thought I was just nuts and had to be lying about the chemo, because I still have hair.

I get home and it's 330 am. I decide it's too late to take my shot, with Matt sleeping and me being a wobbly drunk I decide against taking it.
(I will pay for this on Monday with my next shot, it is bound to be a horrible day Tuesday....Good thing all I have to do is go in for a blood test....the rest of the day will be a write off.)

So, I get home, smash the big mac I bought in my face and then am overwhelmed by a sick, yet satisfied feeling, and decide to hit the hay.

Now I am lying there, unable to shut my eyes. I lay awake till about seven o'clock, feeling almost wide awake, like I had too much Pepsi, or someone put liquid cocaine in my drink, one or the other!

SATANIC SATURDAY
(666)

I wake up at the super early hour of noon, and somehow pretty alert, a wee hungover but not what I had expected! I call KT and she is back from the desert and we've missed each other, so I hop in my car to get us Starbucks so we could drink coffee and be funny, and so I could pick up my new oils!

Smut 2012

Friday the 13th

Smut is one of my favourites, and this years version has more cherry in it, less boozy, I really like it.

Friday the 13th started off amazing, I could really smell the nutmeg and frankincense, and then the Irish moss started overwhelming it. It's still interesting, I'll just put it in my box and take it out another time of the month, and it will will smell different. That's what I love about these oils, they change.

My collection grows!!! CACKLE!!!

I love a goat on a Saturday afternoon.

Mr. Mauser cat showing me his bottom

Little Miss Fookie in her condo

Miss Miso hanging out being pretty

Random squishy boob ball

MauMau may being loved up something fierce
(KT didn't wanna show her face, she was playing shy)

So then around five today, I tell KT I am hungry and gotta go home to eat something and see my huzbee, and KT had to go to a party, so I drive her downtown and drop her off and head to the grocery store.
Two minutes later I get a phone call- it's KT and she got her dates mixed up- the party is tomorrow.

I come zipping back to pick this crazy biatch up and take her home and feed her fried chicken from Safeway and we make a delicious salad of mixed greens, cherry tomatoes, dried cranberries, feta cheese and avocado.

Now I am relaxing Saturday style watching that dirty bitch Lisa Lampanelli, snap! The mouth on this woman.

-E.