A bag of dirty snakes and a flashback

So in 35 days I will be finished Intron-a so I won't get complain anymore.

Now I have been up and down this entire year and sometimes it's just a flatline of shitty but survivable symptoms. Some people just treat me like normal Erin all the time, others seem like they feel sorry for me but everyone shuts up when I tell them I can't make it "because of my cancer" (or that is what Kt told me to say.) 

When I started interferon I thought I didn't want to use my disease as a crutch, or as an excuse to not do something. But I will admit after a while you give up trying to convince people that you're ok and they are going to feel sorry for you anyways, so you might as well take advantage of the downtime and special allowances for you, since you are on cancer treatment.

A little while back I had a conversation with a young man who will remain nameless on this blog, discussing my current condition and the whole cancer thing.

He was very drunk and he was slurring, I doubt he would even remember this conversation, and he goes 

"Erin, lets get real here, you have a very serious disease."

I was like, you sound like my doctor _."

He was all drooly practically, so smashed, and he goes again

"But lets face it, you have cancer and it's not in remmission.."

"Well according to my doctor I am cancer free right now."

I say.

He responds with a drunken question mark in his tone, and then says

"But you still have the cancer"

I'm like

"I am hoping not."

He's like 

"But again, Erin, this is a deadly disease. Holy fuck I'm drunk. But you're gonna make it you're gonna make it."

I was like, "Thanks buddy that means a lot."

People don't always understand cancer and what it does. It is quiet and lurks in dark corners in your body and can come back after they say it's gone. But cancer can spread far and more and more people are surviving late stage cancers, but the problem with melanoma is you usually only get one chance to make sure that you catch the cancer, before it is a sure thing that you will die. Sad but so true.

It's a sneaky bitch, but so am I. 

Now anyways, on to the complaining.

So last night I had my Monday shot, and started to feel weird by 12, then took pills and managed to sleep until about 6 when I woke up with intense muscle and bone pain from my toes to my shoulders, more pills, back to sleep until 330!!! Didn't even open my eyes until then. I had to have been at my Grandma's to do her pedicure at 230, and I apparently shut off my alarm clock at one and the backup for 2pm, Jesus, it is alarming in itself to see 330 and not have even heard a loud siren of an alarm I have on my phone.


So I call my Grandma and she says, 
"Are you on your way dear?"
I'm like,
"No Grandma Frannie I just woke up! I didn't even hear my alarm clock. I am so sorry."


She laughs and goes 
"That's just fine deary we will try again next Monday"
My G-Fran rules.


The old Erin wouldn't sleep till 330 and totally miss an appointment, but this lesser version of Erin has to sleep SO HARD she can't even wake up. It is crazy the way it happens, but I am getting used to it. Most days after my shot I sleep quite a long time, anywhere from 11-14 hours. One thing that happens too is I feel wired off the shot for a while so I can't even sleep sometimes and then I crash hard for hours and hours. I should've known when I felt those muscle and bone pains that I would be sleeping all day. Lately my side effects have been a bag of mixed snakes. Sneaky and unpredictable snakes. Dirty snakes. Mean bitey snakes. 
Just a bag of stupid snakes. 


I have also been having those damn headaches ALL THE TIME it's like I have a constant headache. Luckily they aren't quite as bad as when they first started up before Christmas that brought me into the Cross for a brain scan. The lady got me on the table under some crazy super futuristic head scanner thingy and asked me if I had any questions, and I said "Yeah, can I get a copy of the image of my brain?"
She laughed and said they'd just be emailing the photo to my doctor and he could show me on the computer. They don't do film anymore.


I was like "damn snap! Ok."


Disappointed, they took some pics of my brain.


Amazingly, they said I was normal. No tumors. I knew it but still my head hurt.


I said, "Look people, these Tylenol extra strength isn't cutting it right now. My liver is pissed at me and you for treating it like the city dump. I need T3's."


He wrote me up a prescription for the T3's and that was that, and the headaches persisted a while before they finally stopped. Now they are back again, but super sporadic and quick, searing pain for a few minutes and disappearing again. 


Guess who gets to have another brain scan?
Lucky me I know.
The chances that it is cancer are quite slim, mainly because I had my melanoma on my lower extremities and it is very rare that they spread to the brain, it's too far away. Another tip to people with moles, if a mole on your head or neck changes, get it checked out RIGHT AWAY because if it is malignant it can quickly spread to the brain. You don't want this. Obviously.


So yesterday was a particularly head ouchie kind of day, so I called up the cross nurses to get Smiley (my oncologist is named Dr. Smiley. He specializes in melanoma and lung cancer.)
I spoke with the triage nurse and she asked me all the usual questions and then she was like, "so you want more t3's or do you want something else?"
I am like, uh, sure, something else, whatever... I just want the headaches to stop.
She's like, ok I'll get something for you ok dear?
Ok, thanks!
I get a call from the imaging peeps, who are always super funny and upbeat somehow, for another look see in my skull.


Anywho, I still haven't heard back about the drugs, but in the meantime, I forgot I had some prescription for Ibuprophen 600's lurking in my jewellery box,  found those and I was like SCORE!
They work pretty well.




I should be in a horrible mood considering my day, which I am not finished complaining about yet, but somehow I am in good spirits. It could be the fact that Twister is on Tv and what's his name in it is looking pretty handsome, in a hot tornado hunter kind of way.

I just love the hell out of a man with hairy arms, don't you?
(Helen Hunt can get the hell out of here though, she's kinda horsey.)

Oh I'm terrible. Hehehe. It gives me joy.


So here's another thing that could have made me lose my shit today. I go to John's and Danette, his awesome sister and my new best friend chops my hair off, we all go crazy over it, I'm so excited and loving it and then I am lured into my car with promises of dinner from my husband and get in, apparently slammed my key in the ignition and can't get it in and check and I have broken the fucking key right off! 


I'm like, WHAT. THE. FUCK.


First thing I do is call Matt, I am like, "honey..."
I explain and he drops what he's doing to come check out the scenario.


Times like these I am so thankful that I have a handy husband. I love my father but he didn't' seem to ever be that handy. I think he preferred to pay someone to do it for him to save him the pain in the ass and a plethora of colourful language, and overall compromised workmanship.


My amazing man got the piece of key out of my ignition and we then went to Canadian Tire and a Matt went in and said he needs someone who is really good at cutting keys and I guess some Newfie bitch manager starting going "We don't cut broken keys, you gotta go to a locksmith" in her newfie accent, and a girl begged her manager to cut it, and she let her, all reluctant and bitchy mean lady. 


Well it took a while but she got something nearly identical to it.
Matt jimmies it in and starts the car!


Yay! I drive shitbox home, and then Matt gives me a tutorial on how to jimmie it in and out.
Ugh I hate tutorials. I love my man but damn I hate when he tries to teach me something that you just have to get a feel for, and if you're frustrated, it's much harder to do.
"BAH! I CAN'T DO THIS."


I just give up and call it a locksmiths job. 

I will have to get this fixed post haste because I am a car person now. 
Without a car I ain't goin' no wherez. NO WHEREZ.

So anyways, go ahead and feel sorry for me now. Another thing, and some people may think this is a terrible thing to say, but since this is my blog I'll say it, I totally don't mind if you would like to use my cancer as a cop out please feel free! Just say, I can't, my friend Erin has cancer. Just do it. It would make me laugh so hard. Why not exploit the disease if it is mine? I can do what I want with my own "diagnosis" which at the moment is ok, other than a few little annoying things, but some people just want to believe you are much sicker than you are, and you can try and explain it to them but they just don't really get it.


That's my extremely long rant for the night. If you haven't seen my hair chop yet, scroll down to my entry, CHOP!


I am relieved it is done and I am in love with the ends. I want to do a little photoshoot for it, and I've got a great girl friend Rachelle of Crave Photography https://www.facebook.com/cravephoto I call Randy who will be the lady for this one. I think I want to do something super edgy in a downtown alley, or something romantic and pretty in her cool loft. Haven't decided yet. I find getting pretty pictures done makes you feel good about yourself, so why not. I enjoy modelling, and it all goes back to having to model in photography class all through high school. It's kinda cool to have nice or interesting pictures of yourself. There are several hanging in my apartment I gave to my husband. I like to look at them. Vain I know. I love being vain. Here is some throwback pics from a fun shoot with a girl I'd love to shoot with again. Miss Jenna Kiernan of J. Kiernan Photography. Heart.

So this one was taken in the graveyard across the street from me. It was so fun to shoot in there, and indulge my dark metal side.

Love this one cause it showcases my tat, that I put in 16 hours in total of pain with no drugs and my dear friend Jess worked so hard on to make the beautiful piece of art I'll have on my body forever.

Then we went out to New Serrepta, if you don't know where that is, don't ask me, like an hour out of Edmonton. We drove down a farming road and found this awesomely abandoned farm house with a couple small barns and a bunch of crazy shit, like this rocking horse and children's stories scattered all over the floor, toys and garbage. It was CRAAAZY but so cool. We talked about coming back there and having a party, but that hasn't happened.

Here I am with one of my favourite blades, a stabby Finnish number I keep in secret places in case I ever need to stab a crazy person that breaks into my apartment. I think of these things, yes.

Just before the storm...

In my eyes I'm far away


Thanks for reading about me everyone. Time I hit the sack.


-E.