Ember to Inferno

I'm not here to censor myself or to no be as frank as I feel truthfully this is HEX IN THE CITY, the Witch in the City will have to to you the truth, why? She is a loving but extremely honest witch.

So here it is, a bunch of obvious metaphors I expect you all will pick up quickly.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and all with that comes passion, extreme love/hate/anger/sadness/joy.

I move on today, without animosity. 

Only sadness in my heart, the sadness will last way longer than any anger.

I may not always take the most socially acceptable approach to "solving" problems, but I always choose to be as real as I can be, never saving anything for me to burn about later on. With regrets.

It is perhaps the problem- socially- that my heart beats on my sleeve for all to see, and any social parameters are thrown away once I start expressing myself.

I have no shame in my passion.

Love or anger, it is passion, and I choose kindred spirits first: 

TO LOVE, TO FIGHT FOR, TO GIVE TO 

 because they matter the most.

I feel I don't lose sleep over wishing I had said something, or not expressed the true love and any anger or hurt that makes my heart beat.

My heart beats faster... then.... slower-

FASTER, like a Stallion in the fields aggressively galloping, then SLOWER like a soothed baby with a gentle calm.

I will admit to being a little overly expressive, but this is the only way I know how to communicate-

to communicate fully, so I am not losing sleep on things I should have said but just ate instead, and then will get fat emotionally off these things I ATE instead OF SAID and then turn around to beat up those who made me so fat, because I ate their shit, and all of it would be coming from left field from me after everyone spent years wondering why I kept getting fatter and fatter, with more and more frowns and wrinkles.

 Less love and expression for those I say I love.

What kind of life is that, one full of resentment?

Well I don't want this.

So to combat this I am honest quickly, and intentionally averting disaster fast, perhaps it is my emergency training or my desire just to keep laughing and not yelling... I dunno. 

I suppose you all reading would know really the truth of this. 

I will be the first to admit I said some things that were downright in your face and probably evil- that is if you follow the word of the bible more than you would mine, in which case I'd just unsubscribe to my sinner talk right now or risk spending an eternity burning in a Hell you probably set the fire to burn yourself in, but I express and articulate BRUTALLY and LOVE BRUTALLY TOO.
 If you are in my heart- it means you will be there, regardless of any razor blades sliced across flesh or organs from either of us.

Life is truly to short to HATE, and END FRIENDSHIPS over petty things that can be confronted before they become out of control and not what was intended. From either party.

Sometimes people prefer to blow on those ashes and glowing embers to grow into a fire, all for some type of deep seeded pride that can't ever be put in front of the boot of someone who COULD stomp on it,

IT'S ONLY/ALWAYS A POSSIBLITY.

The truth though about love and acceptance is that we are given those chances to destroying the heart, and we do but we feel we made our points, but in the end we are alone without that love and instead have the glowing embers of inferno to stoke and give air, whenever we please for our own personal sick satisfaction. 

To Re-hash, re-live the passion of that anger.

Then there is acceptance and pouring water all over those burning embers that threaten to destroy all beauty and nature of hearts.

I can say I love like I fight, with passion.

I suppose I have a lot of slow thinking to do about this heart-breaking issue I've had with a friend

(obviously)

....and have learned lessons but also somewhat become afraid of the beast within me that will SAY IT because no one else will say it, at least not to the person.

This I will finally admit after years of trying to keep him hidden, the honest beast says everything everyone says all the time, but "everyone" can't look into the eyes of that person and say it and liberate all, that is my burden of honesty.

Every single person has their opinion but for many their balls are too far inside to be truthful, and that's ok, I am here to say what everyone is thinking.

 I will do it because I become overwhelmed by the things I hear, criticism mainly, about myself and those around me.

There is no reason why we can't all just be honest about our feelings, instead of bottling and pickling it severely and serving it up to those WE SHOULD always give love, not be giving the poison to.

I want to hear it all: The good, that bad, the very very ugly, from everyone I love everyday and to be told what it is that stops people from fully loving and accepting me as I am , and like I said, I just want to love those that matter-

FULLY.

I am lucky I have a moderate husband who can see that I may lash out in anger and use choice names, put on an entire play using various different casts and characters with seemingly un-laboured transitions from character to character but 

I cry, cry, cry because all I want is for icicles that are so hard to melt with me and we can shed our tears of sorrow and regret with each other, melt into puddles together and become one, and forget about these personal vindications that seem to matter so much more than the love we are blessed to have, have worked to have, to trust and love enough to have, well, at least until the spring, which I always believe will come soon- but Matthew helps me to see the summer, the winter and the fall, all as a part of the seasons we all weather in life and as loved ones.

He also stays with me to keep me warm during storms, blizzard, tornadoes, and walks in the sun and rain with me.

Stands behind me always.

My heart beats faster, it does, because I care and would rather laughter and warmth and positive energy for the rest of our eternity, all of us, all those who have rallied around me and been here for me for the hardest time of my life, and who are still on the ride, because it is not over yet. 

Either I stay on this ride alone and spare you all the ups and downs and jerking stops and dizzying highs and lows, or you ride with me and I love you for being with me, not letting me walk dark tunnels unguided and without a warm hand.

Sadness and anger never need to burn until they have destructive forces.

I obviously believe they need to be vomitted up like food poisoning for all to see so that pure unadulterated honesty may be put forth without the stewing of spices, cinnamon, curry, turmeric, all spice, strange questionable pork, all kinds of stinky ingredients that may irritate the stomach, cause for one to be sick quietly and thus create irrational outsider views, with those they care to share the horrible sickness they stomached, full on with the story of the sickness and the over spicing of the food, full of alternative motives and the masking of true feelings, better to be said behind backs and as gossip, not EVER to the person who cooked this horrific food and made them eat it.

Well that wouldn't be right, would it?

PSHHHTTTT!!!!

 NOT ON MY BLOG, YOU TELL THAT PERSON THEY MADE YOU SICK, AND THEY LOVED IT.

But forgive them because you trusted/loved them enough to eat their cooking, and that regardless, you were being fed, and resenting someone that cooks for you is wrong.

I suppose this entry wasn't so much about over spiced food but was about little fires and with fuel and air they can become huge uncontrollable destructive forces that will kill and destroy anything in their path.

I may live with a fire burning in my heart, but I let it live on inside of myself, but anyone who is in my heart is subject to that fire. 

I suppose I have burned several who sat in the core of my heart, where it is the hottest.

When the burning balls of fire fall out of my heart, I USED to let them burn everything down.

Now I take the care to step on them so they don't burn into the ground under myself and my loves.

If you don't stomp those embers out right away, they will burn with oxygen and take everything with it, all the beauty, all the laughter and seasons, all the good nature or NOT so good nature of the RELATIONSHIP, and all included in it.


The real truth is I wish I never had to have this fight with this dear friend and would miss her company, no matter what hurtful things were said along the way, on my part or hers.

Interesting things about FIRE:

Fire destroys old. Fire creates new beginning.


But where we light that fire may not stay contained in the perimeter we want to burn, as fires nature is to spread, naturally it will.

-E.