More of the same

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but here's more of the same. 

Today felt like the day I can't put on my "I'm ok" mask. The first one in quite a while. 

Interferon has kicked my ass, I will admit. I am hardly fighting now but this drug has affected every aspect of my life to the point that I am powerless to it's effects and really am a prisoner to this shit. The itchiness is enough to put someone on the edge of madness, and the nauseous moments happen more and more, the excema is out of control and steroid cream doesn't work anymore, my appetite is hardly existing and I feel in a cloud for hours on end, and don't even want to hear my own voice or anyone else's for that matter, and I sleep and I sleep and I stay awake. 

(Before I go on I must say one ray of sunshine has been the slowing of the thinning of my hair, cutting it off probably saved most of it. It is still quite thin but since it was chopped it has seemed thicker somehow. )

So my poor husband is often the one I lose it on when I do, I've been calm and able to distract myself well enough for months, but today I wasn't calm. I was mad at everything, including him. We were on a walk and then I was annoyed at him for no real good reason, just wanted him to go away. Then we had a small tiff, nothing even to write about, and then I decided I wanted to walk alone. I took off. 

Once I was walking, I realized what I really wanted was to walk out of my own skin and leave myself. I just wanted to get away from everything that is the reality of my day to day. My body is a prison holding me back at the moment. It's not Matt, or anyone else. It's my body, and my job right now is to focus on getting through these last three weeks. I feel overwhelmed like I should be focusing on my husband and myself and my friends family blahblahblah, but how can I do that when everything revolves around the fucked up way I feel, mentally and physically? 

They say these shots has a cumulative effect, and many times during this treatment I've said how could it get any worse, and it's not like I've gone from feeling nauseous to actually vomitting all the time but more like more sudden overwhelming bouts of nauseous feeling that comes on just as quickly as it leaves. It's unpredictable and annoying as fuck. 

Every single one of these last shots are breaking me more and more and the thought of doing even these last 11 shots fills me with dread and anger. I feel like a chained torture victim.

I've been in survival mode now for so long but I feel like I can only keep up this facade of being ok for so long, and I am not even fighting to stay positive right now. I'm sick of this shit and ready for it to end.

I know I know, it's almost over. That's great and I am working towards that light at the end of a very dark scary tunnel, but when I get in the light there will be new challenges. 

That's a whole other blog entry.

For now, I must get to bed for I must be up early for blood tests and a checkup.

Thanks for listening y'all.

-E.