Mixed Nuts

One thing I can never say about my life, it is never boring.

These last 24 hours were just nuts.

This story starts out around 1030 last night.

I had dinner at my parents house then talked and laughed a while and I come home, thinking I would just go to bed, I was feeling tired.

Well I turned on the TV and started relaxing a bit, and I got to thinking about my recent urge to go back to school. I have been thinking about Athabasca University, where I can take university courses online.

I go to their website and about 45 minutes later I had signed up for a three year bachelor of arts majoring in Psychology. 

Yes this is real, I am going to FUCKING UNIVERSITY, this is something I said I would never do, mostly based on the fact that so many university students think they are better than common uneducated folk, and alllllll wear Mountain Equipment Co-op coats and Lulu Lemons, fucking U of A hoodies and Uggs or shabby ass flip flops.

At a young age I decided I hated University culture, and just said, 

I don't wanna go to school for 4 years, I just did 12, 13 if you count kindergarten.

Fuck it 

I said, I'd rather make money now and do whatever I want,

Now.

So here I am, still enjoying my job but yearning to LEARN, and accomplish something I can be proud of other than being the star of my beauty school a few years back and finishing a year of cancer treatment.

So I will start in January, and I will be taking courses for 3 years.

ERMAERMAGRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDD!!!!

Technically I will never be attending a class so I won't become a lazy sloppily dressed University person who doesn't even have time for a coat of mascara.

One cool thing is I'll get to learn why I am so crazy!

So I woke up this morning for work very satisfied with this decision and excited to share the news with loved ones and friends.

It was enough to take my mind off my hurting leg for a little while.

If you haven't heard about my leg problems see my last entry, I go on about them for a good while.

Here's when things took a turn.

Half way through the day, my hip all the way to my knee started to hurt.

Took some tylenol and it didn't do SHIT.

The pain got worse and I was still pretending it wasn't too bad.

When I left work and got in my car, it hit me that the pain was getting worse and worse, 

I just started driving to emergency.

It isn't a feeling I've ever felt, and parts of it aren't easy to pinpoint the pain.

I feel a deep throbbing but push in the spot and it is too deep to reach, it radiates up and down my leg and when it is the worst it it radiates down to my foot and into my toes.

It has been steadily getting worse and today it was the worst I've felt it yet.

I get to the damn hospital and wander in, just wanting it to be over.

I didn't have to wait as long as I thought I would to get a bed, and Dr. Jerky came in shortly after.

I knew he was a jerky doctor as soon as I saw him, I am getting good at reading doctors.

He quickly examined me and then said I will have an X-ray in a bit.

I wait around, and then go in for a quick x-ray, then I am back in my room waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting...

Dr. Jerky busts in like Cosmo Kramer as I am finishing up on the toilet, nice, then gives me

"A minute"-

maybe 10 minutes later he's finally back.

He says

Your X-rays are fine. 

One thing it could be is a blood clot.

A BLOOD CLOT? 

Oh fuck. Isn't this something 75 years olds have to deal with? Not a 29 year old.

He explains to me that there is a risk for blood clots with the type of surgery I had, and tells me they would call me tomorrow for an ultrasound- because they don't do them at night, and turned to walk out and I said in a desperate and loud voice-

UMMMMM, I NEED PAINKILLERS....!

Dr. Jerky goes, take some Advil extra strength.

I was like

I'VE BEEN TAKING THOSE!!! THEY DON'T WORK!!!

Dr. Asshole ignored that and said we'd figure out what's going on first and left, as I was like 

um, uh, but, it hurts, uhh.....

 he walks out and I turned red with fire inside and call my mom upset and pissed off about that, and my parents are super alarmed by this possible blood clot and can't believe I am not being admitted. Of course I understand why they feel that way but at this point I just want to get the fuck out of this Misery-cordia hospital and home popping muscle relaxers or something.

Lucky for me they have a low dose codeine over the counter at London Drugs and a few of them have dulled the pain a little.

I am still mad about Dr. Jerky Fuckface and hope I can see him tomorrow so I can be more aggressive and force him to prescribe me some good painkillers so I can sleep, sit down without horrid pain and function until this is treated.

So there you go, you have shared in my misery yet again.

Like I said don't feel sorry for me.... well maybe a little.

So these damn Acetaminophen and Codeine pills have CAFFIENE in them, I just looked, and it's no wonder I am up and blogging, another wonderful thing about this day, wow.

So stay tuned to see what happens to my leg, when I got home and talked with Matt I said to him, 

What's next? 

They chop it off?

My poor right leg, it has been through the ringer, yes I feel sorry for myself.

Well, I am not going to end this entry on a miserable self-pitying note.

LINDSAY'S BOUTIQUE <3

Saturday Lindsay's mom hosted LINDSAY'S BOUTIQUE.

A few of her closest friends from over the years came to her apartment to take some little pieces of Lindz.

I made new friendships and shared some of my fond memories with Lindsay, told her mom Leslie stories about us playing soccer together and the silly things we would do, me as the brick wall goalie and her as the mean striker.

I took many things of Lindsay's I felt were meant for me, now that she is gone.

I found a necklace I gave her in high school, that was a little emotional, but everyone said I needed to take it home.

That girl had some very unique things, and some great movies and purses.

The group of us polished off a big bottle of Yager in honor of our Lindsay, and posed for a group picture of all of us with something of hers, and a shot of Jag.

I am the one in the giant sombrero, and I will be wearing it from time to time for parties to channel my lovely and hilarious friend Lindsay. 

We will never stop celebrating our friendship with you Lindsay.

There are no ways to explain how much you'll be missed, but I am comforted to have others that loved you just as much, and things of yours to always remind me of our sisterhood.

-E.

Today is Tuesday and Tomorrow is Wednesday

It's Tuesday.

Tuesday sucks. It's not Thursday, TV sucks, you can't do anything too exciting because it's a school night and tomorrow is only Wednesday, Tuesdays after work are for being domestic , cleaning, cooking, folding clothes, because I'll be too busy on the more prime days of the week- Wednesday through Saturday, to worry about the landfill's worth of laundry or taking out the garbage and washing dishes.

In a way it's good that at this point of my life I have some sort of structure and am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, though having Matt wash me with a rag on a stick sounds like a luxury right now.

Speaking of Matt and washing, since he's been gone I do less of that.

Ok, I'm not totally disgusting, but I worry less about smelling like a bag of onions because my husband isn't around.

No need for mascara on a lazy Sunday or running a brush through my hair from time to time, no, that becomes something I must do for work, and home alone my cats won't care if I don't shave my legs.

I know what you are thinking now, Erin! You've let yourself go now that you are married?!

Now now, I am just embracing a more European approach to grooming, ex., shaving, showering, hair washing...

Or I've just been too hot and lazy to care because makeup melts right off my face in this sweaty apartment. 

Thank the SuperDevil it is cooling off now with a little wind and rain, a thunderstorm coming through town, if it was still like a vegetable steamer in here I wouldn't be blogging, pshh, trust me, I was barely surviving this evening, just cleaning I became sweat soaked then cooking was foolish,  because it got hot as Hades balls in here for a couple more hours.

So why am I blogging today?

I guess because I have a sick need to share my thoughts with whoever wants to read, and I like to believe they all laugh and think I'm as fucking hilarious as I think I am.

Also to show you some pics!

I did promise Metallica pics for Sunday but I was much too hungover to pretend to be witty or interesting, I was too busy hating myself and a little something called Sour puss.

Cheeky pre-Metallica cab selfie, I'm like, yup, going to METALLICAAAAAAA

Found my friends, John, Seth, Chelsey, Amanda and her friend Lise, obligatory pre show photos

METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL

FUCKING METALLICA!

The quality of these photos of terrible.

I was too excited to take a proper picture.

Plus we were pretty much watching the show in outer space- last row in the house biiiiiiiaatch!

Me and Seth getting sweaty

Another poor quality pic of the stage. I can't remember what songs went with each crazy set, I guess you really just had to be there.

Amanda and I bonding over And Nothing Else Matters

How the night ended.

That sour puss got destroyed, but then it destroyed me.

When will I EVER learn my lesson with that stuff???

So there you go.

I plan on photo bombing again next week after I recover from:

MY 29TH BIRTHDAY PARTY WHOOOOP!

It's going to be a blast, sushi then gay bar, as usual.

It's kinda a birthday tradition in my friend family.

I have a sweet dress I bought in MTL and I haven't worn it yet, I'll have lots of friends around me showering me with gifts of shots.

I promise to thoroughly humiliate myself for your entertainment!

(Well, at least make fun of myself being drunk and silly.)

The good news is:

IT'S ALMOST WEDNESDAY!

And I like Hump day better than Tuesday.

It's the middle of the week and two days from the weekend.

I am usually in a dandy mood on Wednesdays, and into the full swing of work, plus there is always good TV on Wednesday nights.

Tomorrow is special because I get to see my Skin-Creeper Dr. Salopek, which is always a treat, and then dinner at my parents after, YAY! I don't have to cook.

So things are looking up already.

Now it's thundering, and that is the perfect way for me to fall asleep, 

so I've gotta hit the hay my shiny darlings. 

Thank you for reading.

-E.

Today I live

Thank you Blue Oyster Cult for making me think.

Listen to this whole song. I know they were on drugs but this song is beautiful.

LISTEN TO IT!!!!
ALL OF IT!!!!
I COMMAND OF YOU!!!!
I PROMISE CUPCAKES OR BEER!!!!*

*IF YOU WANT CUPCAKES OR BEER YOU HAVE TO COME HERE

->http://youtu.be/AUO_5EALZoM<-

So here I am thinking about life and death.
There is some frank talk about dying in here so if this would bother you, I suggest you come back when I am dancing around in a sarong eating a chicken wing, which may happen later....

Life isn't a given.

To live life you need health- not a given either.

Death is inevitable.

Death is what we are born to do.

LIFE IS....

short

exciting

wonderful

glorious

simple

challenging

beautiful

Life is of course many other things, including the ugliness, life is brutal, mean, unfair, disgusting, impossible, boring, sad, sick, strange, life.

Now I think at times I can be a pessimist, but not as much as I think I was before cancer. 
 I didn't have a real understanding of the delicate nature of life and didn't see as clearly the beautiful and wonderful and special and simply GLORRRRRRIOUSSSSS-ness of it all.

Life is great.
It's a lot like me, I call myself a roller coaster, because roller coasters are fun but terrifying, like me of course, and such is life.

Wouldn't it be boring to be on a roller coaster that doesn't turn you upside down, make you puke all over the other riders, never goes up high and never swoops you down low and fast?

I think so.
Who would we be without all the excitement and terror, not humans.
Some type of horrible alien.
Aliens sick me the fuck out, and they are out there, and they are slimy, translucent, without any human characteristics (unlike how TV and film portrays them) they are the enemy and we must be aware... ok whole other entry there....

ANYWAYS! Enough about slimy disgusting aliens. 

DEATH IS...

sad

peaceful

wrong

natural

scary

unstoppable

final

Death frightens most. I feared death stronger than ever last year obviously.
Several dreams and self revelations led me to come to not fear it.
Or it could be the prescriptions....
BUT regardless, at some point, I just stopped and thought:

ERIN:
If your cancer is destined to come back, that will be the time to worry about it.
Worrying is just a waste of time, and doesn't help you prepare for the reality of the situation or diagnosis. Life is happening today. You are as close to normal in a health aspect as a cancer survivor could be.
Wouldn't you be so sad on your deathbed if you spent your last years WORRYING and thus giving the disease power over you and your LIFE? How could you live? You would only die.
IF this is your last few years, why would you want to be a cancer status, a victim, angry and fearful of the disease that you did everything at your disposal to treat, and you have the best team of doctors to monitor you, as well as having your own awareness, so that you can always take a proactive approach to any changes in your body or on your skin.
WHY would you WASTE your LIFE with PETTY things, or people that drain your life force,  leaving you weak and vulnerable to malignancies?
You have today.
Tomorrow is a different thing, but that's part of the ride, now isn't it?

Once this sunk in I felt very peaceful. 
I could enjoy my life again.
I was free of the identity of cancer victim and be Erin, fighting cancer.

Now of course that the chemo is gone the cancer is further away, and now I am just Erin, who has fought cancer. Most of the time I am JUST Erin.

Fear is normal and I think I will always have fear, at least some.
The biggest change is that it has opened my eyes in
 how I want to be in life, and how I want to be in death.

I LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD
Words my Uncle Bertie painted before he died. 
I never understood it more than I do today.
Of course, his version is much nicer, I wrote mine backwards on a piece of scrap manilla envelope, and that shitty retarded looking writing is actually mine, and that last word is world, and it is the least perfect of course, but after all, there is beauty in imperfection.

"Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are"

-E.

Keepers of Hearts Beware

This is going to be a different kind of entry than you're used to, because usually I like to entertain you and give you ridiculous homemade recipes with sketchy and vague instructions, poking fun at myself and showing off my material purchases and sharing silly adventures with y'all. Of course I complain openly as well, but in this case, I can't be as open as I'd like to, or at least I won't be.

Over the last few days a small issue between a friend and I has somehow turned into a huge debacle.

I'm not going to go on like, 
"She was the bitch, she's crazy, she's wrong."

IT is what IT is. 

I told her I was sorry and never intended to hurt or embarrass her, sincerely.

Apparantly that wasn't enough.

I know her part, I was there five days ago having the same conversation with me letting go a fight and saying:

*sorry*

I didn't know what else to say.

I told her I it's not like I did something I knew would hurt her or intentionally embarrass her.

I also told her I was sorry that it bothered her so, and that she could have just told me earlier.

I'm a pothead, I'm cool man.


I live my life straight up, no guff, just honestly.


Getting that honest opinion out helps SOOO MUCH!


Stewing only creates more resentment.

I just go with the flow, and my friends and loved ones are number one.

I dunno.

Anyways, there was no acceptance of my apology and days later (today) I went to meet her, thinking that was us being big girls and letting things go, why? 


BECAUSE LIFE IS WAYYYY TO SHORT TO BE MAD AT PEOPLE YOU LOVE, OK, PEOPLE????

Well I went to meet and hug and throw away the bad vibes, un-armed, and was met with more of a trial than anything else. An entire re-hashing of every syllable texted or emailed- printed out with highlights, like a case for the supreme court.


Of course I was taken a back, I thought this was I'M SORRY LETS STOP BEING MAD...


Nope.

I felt like someone was coming to hammer nails into my wrists and ankles and put me on the cross, and here was my trial, that I was to lose then lose my life.

A sincere apology, but also reality, expressing to this person that may I not completely understand her view, parts of it, not all of it, but that's ok. She clearly didn't understand me and my intentions and as long as our CLEAR INTENTIONS were on the the table after 5 days of not speaking/passive aggressive behaviours, I'd say we're not 9, we're 29, lets throw it away and burn it in a fire somewhere.

It is ok to NEVER UNDERSTAND SOMEONE''S POINT OF VIEW

BUT-

IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO RESPECT IT.

I RESPECT OTHERS POINT OF VIEW REGARDLESS.

I DIDN'T USED TO, BUT THAT IS ONE THING THAT HAS CHANGED DRAMATICALLY FOR ME IN THESE LAST 16 MONTHS.


PETTY THINGS MEAN NOTHING IN THE END, IN THE REAL LIFE YOU ARE GETTING TO LIVE. 


IF YOU ARE LUCKY, A FULL AND LONG LIFE.

NOT A GIVEN.

SOMETHING- NOT ALL GET TO LIVE- A CAREFREE, COMFORT AND FRIEND FILLED LIFE.

THIS MUST ALL BE IN CAPITALS.

CAPS LOCK TECHNICALLY.

I EXPECT THE SAME- RESPECT FOR MY DIFFERENT OPINION.

That's all.

All I can say is I want to have people to love and people can love me back, why, because I want to enjoy my life and get the most out of everyday. I know it's not given that I will get to enjoy a full life with everything, RRSP'S cashed out watching my Grandchildren play at a dirty leech filled lake while I sip a Martini out of half a two litre in a Bizzare outfit at noon- an outfit with multiple shades of periwinkle and purple, perhaps some paisley print gloves , making everyone strange sandwiches including avocado and shrimp, with peaches and kettle chips and pink lemonade, and encouraging my 15 year old grandson/daughter to take a toke of the sacred herb, cron. To join in the worship.

I'll probably be wearing some awesome old school cowboy boots meant to be worn in a Pantera/ Cowboys from Hell kinda way and a hat with a overly broad brim, or just a long scarf,  Elton John sunglasses and a Petrine cross hanging low with strange beads adorning my chest, my tattoos showing and young Grandchildren asking me Grand One- ( as I intend to name myself once I am a grandmother)  why do you have that weird picture on your leg Grand-one?


 I will tell them about how the pain of the needle and the release of the beauty of the art into my skin made all my tears melt away forever.

This is my dream, and I do live NOW everyday not afraid of getting old and want my friends to getting old with me, but staying together no matter the tornadoes, tempests, outright disasters and who-the-fuck-knows-what.




All I ask of my friends is to understand me, my sense of humor and that
 I NEVER MEAN ANY HARM.


I want all my friends to know that I would never judge or make them feel bad, and if I do somehow I am SINCERELY HURT MYSELF that I would do something to unintentionally hurt someone I consider a friend. 


Really when it comes to insults, I insult myself and total idiots, not my loves.


All I want is friends/loves/family WHATEVER to EXIST for me to love and admire, and grace me with their presence, perhaps their laughter, maybe more I always hope. That's all. 

If they want to love me back then that's just a BONUS.

(Anger and Pettiness can get fucked with a large pitchfork, American Gothic Style.
YEAH! THAT WAS GRAPHIC!!!!)




<3


If friends and loves want to love me back and join in the madness and fun that is Erin combined with YOU then now we are together weathering cosmic storms, finding pots of gold at the ends of double rainbows, doing strange and unothordox activities together, laughing, sharing the keys to the boneyard
and never sweating the small stuff.


WHY?


Because you never know if you will have a full, satisfying life.


Be satisfied everyday, and hold all dear.


A full life is a privilege, not a right.


Remember everyday what/who is important.


-E.