Keep on Keepin' on.

OK SO I FINALLY KNOW WHY MY LEG IS JIGGED!

I have some type of degenerative joint issue, yet to be fully diagnosed, but...

IT'S NOT MELANOMA RELATED..... YAY!!!!

Oh the small and bitter victories of my life.

Ok so I don't have cancer again, that's great, but wow, you know your life is shitty when you are actually celebrating that fact, and instead you have something else and you get to live yes, but in pain all the time.

So here is how I went about getting this information.

I called my doctor because usually if you wait they will have your results for days without calling you and leave you on the hook because it's not going to immediately kill you so they have a few days.

Sure enough they were there.

Nothing against this doctor, all doctors are the same in that way, and busy as fuck, I know their world doesn't revolve around my health, I get that, but I am my own advocate and now that I've been through-

"The System"

I know how to navigate it and make people answer my questions instead of sitting alone in the dark.

So like I say I call my doctor, this one is the new Family GP, and of course the reception girl can't give me my results over the phone, so she says, 

"Well, you can come into the walk in clinic and wait about 2 hours to see another doctor, but doctor Marcu only works Tuesday through Thursday- (must be nice) you probably won't be able to see her tonight, but you can make an appointment."

Being told someone knows if you won the lottery or being put in jail for life, but they won't tell you, it's enough to make one almost lose it over the phone, well, me that is.

I said (after grumbling for a moment)-

"Ok, fine, I will call my dermatologist. He gives me answers over the phone."

 Or at least his nurse will.

I call the skin office and they know my voice and like me because I bring them Ruth's Chris gift certificates, so the reception lady says she has the results in front of her, but again, she can't give me any answers but my nurse CAN! Imagine my excitement.

They are so busy there so I expected to wait a little while for the call, but since I don't have much patience I call back an hour later.

Lady whats her name goes, 

"Oh Rachel didn't call you yet? I'll go get her."

Rachel gets on the phone and right away just says,

"No. It's not metastases." 

Of course that's the first thing she says.

She's like,

"It's just a degenerative cartilage issue."

My first thought, is of course, THANK LUCIFER it's not melanoma.

JUST a little issue with the cartilage in my hip!

Then I think, ok, I am not crazy and I have a real pain for a real reason.

I thank Rachel profusely and go back to work sharing the news with my dad and then Matt and my mom and John, then it hits me, that's not the greatest news I've ever received, WTF, I am 29, and that's an old people issue.

Then I started thinking about my Grandma on my moms side and her 3 hip replacements, my uncle John from my dad's side recent hip replacement, and then I said to my dad, 

"Wow I got all the shitty genes didn't I?"

He agreed.

Lovely.

 I realized the other day I don't like to hear myself complain, so I am going to do my best to be whiney or feel too sorry for myself, but, really?

So I am going to get a couple of paragraphs of anger and frustration out on this page.

I feel like the universe has just been using me as their toilet, shitting on me all the time while I try my best to be the best person to others that I can possibly be, as if that matters in the big picture.

There could be a few people around that may think I am a mean horrible witch, and to these people that's how they see me, for my mistakes and that's all, I know I have had some bitch moments that stand out in my life, but obviously it doesn't matter if you try to "redeem" yourself to the universe or others, it will still take a shit on your head.

So what has this taught me? 

That it doesn't matter if you are a good person or a bad person, neither guarantees anything in life.

Then I think about that song,

"Only the good die young..."

In a way that makes some sense, because even if the person wasn't a "good" person it is such a tragedy to lose a young life that everyone is going to highlight the good in that person, and even people that dislike the person or barely know them come out shocked and acting like a bereaved friend, unfortunately we all know I am right about this.

The basic lesson here is, be evil, it doesn't matter, being nice ain't going to get you any mileage on your life as you know it.

Shit is going to hit the fan then hit you in the face, you are going to get pissed on, friendships will dissolve overnight, you may lose a job or fail, you might get sick, or people you love might get sick or die.

Yeah, harsh I know, but that's the damn truth.

If you are still reading, I will thank you for sharing in my shit, and if you laugh, even better, I don't want yours tears man, I just want your company in my misery!

Well it's no ones fault, and I feel a little better bitching to the world about my endless loads of ailments and challenges though I will tell you the cider I am 4 cans into this evening started out as a celebratory beverage, but has turned into a tool to self-medicate and drown my sorrows.

So HOW do I end this whiney ramble, and not be a whiner anymore and just get on with it?

Good question.

I am kinda in FUCK YOU MODE at the whole universe right now, and trying to just lower my expectations so the disappointment will stop, and the bar keeps getting lower and lower.

Ok, I will end this by saying what you might be thinking,

THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

This is as true as everything else I said about life.

Keep on keepin' on is allllllllll you can do.

-E.