Al-Bert-Duhh

Late Saturday, after a fractured sleep/passout/nap, still sick, blog time.

Got some The Devil makes Three on the iTunes and a little "cough syrup"- ice cold Jager.

Just thought I'd share this ridiculous photo shoot masterminded by Strongbow and Grape vodka one strange grubby weekend a few weeks ago, not like being grubby isn't a trend that goes out of style for me on the weekends; I just try to be somewhat glamourous in a.... scrubby way. I'll wear fake lashes and full hair with dirty clothes, as Gretchen Wieners would say, I'm SO fetch.

The weekend is when I can wear toques with mens band shirts and kilts or mini skirts, ok I wear mini skirts all week, but micro-mini is a step up, but it ain't skanky in wool tights.

 I can't say what the fuck in hell my "style" is, and I hate being asked that, which is often. 

I do a pencil skirt with a floral blouse opaque tights and a sharp neutral fitted jacket for my professional office girl job, with my "trademark" daytime drama makeup MON-FRI, then on the weekends I never wear the same outfit twice, and could end up in anything, including dresses depending on where I am going but I love Canadiana gear with my own grungy/ skanky twist, or whatever the fuck it is, with anything from electric green to Amy Winehouse liner, or both, platform/stiletto heels and with my clothes it's more of a mental patients pairing of items, nothing has to match, but there can never be too many accessories or unnecessary items, gypsy bracelets, several long necklaces, hair flowers or bandanas, or ridiculous pairings such as a wool poncho with short shorts, with matted unstyled hair and aviators, the un-skinny, un-famous but perhaps infamous Mary Kate Olson of Western Canada.

If you ever bother observing certain trademarks I have when it comes to my wardrobe it is always some black wool item. 

Sometimes it's my good old "chemo hat" this toque complete with bunny tail top and two grungy lazy goth zippers on it that was given to me by my bestie John, I wore this thing 24/7 unless I was working, black wool cardigans, purses, headbands, tanks tops, I don't know how I have amassed so many black wool items for virtually any weather condition, ridiculous I know, anyways I'm getting waaaayyy off track here, enough about me and black wool, the fugg.

The whole Al-Ber-Duhhh thing for me is very complicated, I love my home but I also see the redneckism and the Texas style pride in our meat n' potatoes eatin', truck drivin', oil rig workin', wooohoooHOOOOO yokels that we all have a little of within us, whether we want to admit to it or not, then theres that weird farmer blood that runs through our veins where we eat our dinners earlier than I'd prefer to and getting up at dawn is an admirable, prideful thing here, I understand it, but don't live that way at all, but the heavy holiday dinners at 2 or 3pm, dude, I can't even do it.

It's some weird farmer excuse to get that meat in their bellies and have a half a pie for dessert before 4pm, have a nap and wake up still drunk and have several more before going to bed... OK so this is totally not everyones Alberta experience, but I have experienced this small town AB farmer lifestyle, and I think there is a lot of denial and bigamy in some Albertans that runs deep, and keeps us from progressing as a province as a whole.

Edmonton, the "Rome" of our province as I see it, more than half of it is in fucking ruins, most of that is on our roads, where I almost lose a tire 3-4 times a goddamm day due to the gigantic potholes, and I see a growing disparity between the classes within this expanding city, with oil wives needing bigger and bigger houses in areas that are pretty much suburbs to me, and should have separate names, Terwilliger, or however you spell that, you ain't Edmonton, you are like the North Vancouver to West Van, two different fucking towns.

Geez.

And you can get from one suburb to a very distant one out on the mainland in the time it takes the train here to go from Central station to Southgate. For the same price.

Bullshit!

Then there's Calgary, the unofficial capital of Alberta, with fancy infrastructure and matching houses to make those perfect little neighbourhoods that are annoying to even try and find there, it's the metrosexual capital of the world, full of sleazy yuppies who's palms are most likely greased by oil, and full of that cowboy spirit, every time I've been to stampede, to me it's like a Brokeback mountain midway that reeks of farm animals and beer puke. Not that I don't enjoy my visits to CowTown.

Welcome to Alberta- where you'll see vegans in leather.

ANYWAYS, what is the Alberta girl, the Alberta guy, the Alberta gay, the Albertan... Who the fuck are we? 

There is so many smart incredible Liberal people in this place yet our province is always ruled by Conservative rednecks...  OH AND we have WEM that actually is a horrible place, though I will admit the Waterpark rules.

Maybe thats just who we place our loyalty in, because a whole we are afraid of change, we are cowboys and farmers out heeeer in al-Ber-Duuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

How did we glorify Ralph Klein, the drunkest politician like, ever, who was dubbed "King Ralph", only to end up unable to speak properly, which is just poetic justice really, but we kept him in power, and even people who hated him gave him those extra chances by voting for him because cause he was just an AB Good ol' boy, so what if he hated immigrants and went to a homeless shelter drunk and told the homeless there to get jobs.

That's Al-berrr-duhhh for ya.

BUT:

This is just my wild and uneducated opinion, and that's why I ain't no Politician, and maybe I don't know SHIIIIIIIT about politics and the inner workings of the whole shady biz, but I know I am not a Conservative and I know I am also a rebel but also progressive, open to great change.

Ok enough of me ripping my home another one, I love where I live and refuse to leave, or find the idea very difficult, especially after spending years living outside of this majestic province, dude, we've got THE FUCKING ROCKIES. Big ass mountains, beat that!

Plus Alberta has my love, my loved ones, my heart, my everything, and I believe in this place.

So here's my Alberta Girl "photoshoot", sponsored by Stongbow and Russian Vodka and John Deere, powered by cabin fever, and cheered on by Jeremiah Valleau and shot by MacBook Photography.

MUA/STYLIST- THIS BITCH

ASSISTANTS: SALEM & SABBATH CAT, JEREMIAH, BOOZE AND JOHN M'FKIN DEERE- (To cover the 'farm equipment" if ya know what I'm saying, har har har.)

REDRUM Style writing on the mirror, classy as fuck behaviour for any good ol' AB girl.

If I ruled this province I would make it illegal to be a greasy jerk off , and that's all this world really needs, in my shallow opinion, that and busses that come on time, because maybe if they did I could lessen my carbon footprint.

But I gotta say- some of these Alberta boys can wear the shit out of them Wranglers let me tell ya wut.

;)

-E.

You might be an Alberta Redneck if....

So I was searching for the end of the internet and came across a great blog.

http://gothlaw.blogspot.com/2009/12/admit-it-canada-yall-are-rednecks-too.html

I was inspired by this guys rant about the rednecks of Canada. Everywhere you go there are Rednecks, but I think Alberta would win in a redneck contest.

We have cows, oil, trucks, and that accent... AL-BURRR-DA. That is how most people say it.

Here are some examples of Alberta redneckery.

If any of these sounds like you... you might be an AB REDNECK!

1: YOU OWN A FORD F150, F250 F350 OR F450
(Or really any truck for that matter)

Now that's a purdy truck.

We are the land of Ford F-150's, that's what my husband drives to his trade job. So many guys here work in the trades and you can't pack your tools in a prius. I love our truck, and nothing beats going camping with a truck, throw all your shit in the box and use it as a booze and sandwich bar once we set up camp! Around town I prefer to drive my little zippy pontiac, the shitbox express, but nothing like riding with a big handsome man behind the wheel of a big sexy truck.

2: You have, had, or want a mullet, male or female.

Yessiree.

I googled Millet, Alberta- (a town I passed through last summer after getting lost on the highway), and this guy popped up! In my brief stay while gassing up  I saw some of the most redneckedness small town Alberta trash has to offer. I wish I could say I took this picture while in Millet, and I was just kidding when I said that I found this under a google search for Millet, but I didn't find anything like what I saw. They have kept their mullety rednecks off the net... for now, till I come back to town with my camera.

3: You listen to this guy.

Oh Ian Tyson, the homegrown country boy. Every single redneck country music loving Albertan LOVVESS them some Tyson. All the country ladies who are in their 40's and rocking to him for years think he's their cowboy dream.
Now I don't know one single Ian Tyson song. Does this make me a bad Albertan?
The one guy I have to admit I kinda dig is Mr. Shane Yellowbird, another Alberta country boy.

http://youtu.be/PqcKbGC4T1s

"Me and my truck like to hit the streets, see how many pretty girls we can meet after 2 am... on the weekend"

My answer to that is... probably meet a few ladies... but you aint gonna be taking those ladies home to mama in that truck....

4: You own a quad and your kids do too.

So I will also admit to enjoying these things, they are fast, powerful, and soooo Albertan. Now if you want to endanger yourself on one of these and rip up our beautiful Alberta environment go ahead, but please, please do not put your precious babies on one of these! I couldn't believe, one summer, Matt and I went camping with some friends at the Brazeau Resevoir, and the whole place was full of Rednecks on fucking quads, and two year olds on these things. Sick! Do these people realize they are placing their spawn in harms way? Obviously not. One time Matt and I were riding one and it tipped backwards and almost fell on me. If it had I would have been seriously injured, or killed. If you are a quad rider, you know these things are fun but soooo dangerous. If you own one, you are definitely super Albertan, and if you bought one for your kids you are an Albertan Redneck for sure.

5:If you live in Westlock, it is your duty to be as redneck as humanly possible.
That is all.

This exists.

6 : If you have a confederate flag on your truck, a blanket, or a flag in your front window, you are definitely an AB redneck, and an idiot too.

Someone please explain to me why some Albertans proudly display this flag on their porches, trucks and windows. I thought that was an American war. Unless you are from the deep south and your grandfather fought in that war, you can't display that flag, you look stupid. One thing is for sure- you are FOR SURE a redneck, maybe not an Alberta redneck but a redneck in Alberta.

7: If you have tubed down the Pembina River with a 40 in hand.

I am proud to say I have done this. You are not a real Alberta redneck till you buy a raft and get on that river with a bottle of whisky. (In my case it was vodka.)
This is the kind of thing that you can't really do and have fun without alcohol. In the summer people raft down this river drunk as skunks, yelling WHOOOOO and wearing oakleys.  It's one of those things, booze makes it into a fun activity. Only thing is make sure you wear sunscreen or you'll not only be a redneck you'll look like one too.

8: If you've ever said "COWBOY UP!" You are obviously a huge AB Redneck.

9: Your idea of a luxury vacation is a trip to Cypress Hills Alberta to kill a wild turkey, set up camp in the hills, cook that turkey, crack into the beer, burn shit, and blast death metal out of your Ford F-150 you are certainly a serious AB redneck.

(Hey wait, that's me!)

So there you go folks, if you can identify with any of the above you are probably an Alberta Redneck. I will have to point out it is fairly obvious that my husband and I are Alberta Rednecks, and proud ones at that. We have our own special brand of redneckery here, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am a proud Albertan and don't plan on ever leaving my beloved province.

COWBOY UP!

-E.