Lindsay Sweet Millions

Today was Wednesday.

Today I lost a friend.

My longtime friend Lindsay died.

Her death is still somewhat a mystery but it appears she had a heart attack, but I shouldn't even be blogging that as the reason why this happened isn't even known yet.

All we know is her parents tried to revive her but she didn't come back.

 Lindsay and I met in grade 10 at Vic, and right away I thought she was the coolest and most hilarious person I had ever met. I was intimidated by her awesomeness, I knew she was funnier and much more goth than I, and this was a huge reason why I was drawn to her, but why we remained friends throughout 15 years- when we were in the same town, Edmonton that is- she could make anything horrible into a pee your pants worthy joke, brighten your day with her gigantic amazing eyes, and make any situation into a party. 

The party she was always the LIFE of. 

As cool as she was many could be scared away. I just had to know her and be a part of her life, because cool was just on the surface of this girl.

Her heart was gigantic. I felt like I could never fill her heart, as it was so big.

We started playing soccer on the same team at 15, and me as goal and her as the best goal defender ever or meanest goal striker, like, teaching Beckham game, that awesome, we somehow made time to make dirty jokes and laugh about some random inside joke.

By 16 we were working at the same coffee shop, and making the same dirty silly or ridiculous jokes together, most of which she would start out of the sheer gift of being hilarious.

She was always there for me, and through all my drama through the years she would want me to spill everything and she would end up turning me 180 degrees JUST by making me laugh about it.

JUST by making me laugh. Lightening everything, no matter how dark.

I suppose this isn't an easy thing to be able to do to everyone- make them laugh.

The girl should have been a comedian, her quick wit would make me and everyone else she came in contact with fall on the floor, pee your pants and strive to make her laugh just as hard, and she had a memorable laugh that I will keep forever.

It may be just too soon for me to truly express my feelings about this girl. 

I have texts from her from Sunday night I will keep for now, and will never delete her contact from my phone.

Forget about my feelings about Lindsay's death.

Her parents and family have lost her, suddenly and so young.

I just know I will keep something alive for Lindsay forever.

She advised me if I was going to grow tomatoes, I should grow sweet millions.

Next year, I will grow the sweet millions.

Thanks Lindz, man I will miss you.

-E.

Today is Tuesday and Tomorrow is Wednesday

It's Tuesday.

Tuesday sucks. It's not Thursday, TV sucks, you can't do anything too exciting because it's a school night and tomorrow is only Wednesday, Tuesdays after work are for being domestic , cleaning, cooking, folding clothes, because I'll be too busy on the more prime days of the week- Wednesday through Saturday, to worry about the landfill's worth of laundry or taking out the garbage and washing dishes.

In a way it's good that at this point of my life I have some sort of structure and am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, though having Matt wash me with a rag on a stick sounds like a luxury right now.

Speaking of Matt and washing, since he's been gone I do less of that.

Ok, I'm not totally disgusting, but I worry less about smelling like a bag of onions because my husband isn't around.

No need for mascara on a lazy Sunday or running a brush through my hair from time to time, no, that becomes something I must do for work, and home alone my cats won't care if I don't shave my legs.

I know what you are thinking now, Erin! You've let yourself go now that you are married?!

Now now, I am just embracing a more European approach to grooming, ex., shaving, showering, hair washing...

Or I've just been too hot and lazy to care because makeup melts right off my face in this sweaty apartment. 

Thank the SuperDevil it is cooling off now with a little wind and rain, a thunderstorm coming through town, if it was still like a vegetable steamer in here I wouldn't be blogging, pshh, trust me, I was barely surviving this evening, just cleaning I became sweat soaked then cooking was foolish,  because it got hot as Hades balls in here for a couple more hours.

So why am I blogging today?

I guess because I have a sick need to share my thoughts with whoever wants to read, and I like to believe they all laugh and think I'm as fucking hilarious as I think I am.

Also to show you some pics!

I did promise Metallica pics for Sunday but I was much too hungover to pretend to be witty or interesting, I was too busy hating myself and a little something called Sour puss.

Cheeky pre-Metallica cab selfie, I'm like, yup, going to METALLICAAAAAAA

Found my friends, John, Seth, Chelsey, Amanda and her friend Lise, obligatory pre show photos

METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL

FUCKING METALLICA!

The quality of these photos of terrible.

I was too excited to take a proper picture.

Plus we were pretty much watching the show in outer space- last row in the house biiiiiiiaatch!

Me and Seth getting sweaty

Another poor quality pic of the stage. I can't remember what songs went with each crazy set, I guess you really just had to be there.

Amanda and I bonding over And Nothing Else Matters

How the night ended.

That sour puss got destroyed, but then it destroyed me.

When will I EVER learn my lesson with that stuff???

So there you go.

I plan on photo bombing again next week after I recover from:

MY 29TH BIRTHDAY PARTY WHOOOOP!

It's going to be a blast, sushi then gay bar, as usual.

It's kinda a birthday tradition in my friend family.

I have a sweet dress I bought in MTL and I haven't worn it yet, I'll have lots of friends around me showering me with gifts of shots.

I promise to thoroughly humiliate myself for your entertainment!

(Well, at least make fun of myself being drunk and silly.)

The good news is:

IT'S ALMOST WEDNESDAY!

And I like Hump day better than Tuesday.

It's the middle of the week and two days from the weekend.

I am usually in a dandy mood on Wednesdays, and into the full swing of work, plus there is always good TV on Wednesday nights.

Tomorrow is special because I get to see my Skin-Creeper Dr. Salopek, which is always a treat, and then dinner at my parents after, YAY! I don't have to cook.

So things are looking up already.

Now it's thundering, and that is the perfect way for me to fall asleep, 

so I've gotta hit the hay my shiny darlings. 

Thank you for reading.

-E.

Cleaning, cooking, drinking, killing, ect.

Hmm, Friday, finished work, home alone, Matt shipped out to Fort Crack yesterday.

I am kinda half contemplating a nap, but know that shouldn't happen. 

I'm a bad napper.

Either I am exhausted and can't get to sleep, just lie there for 2 hours with my eyes closed and frustrated inside, or I crash and sleep for 3 or 4 hours, waking up thinking it must be morning, no, it's only midnight. Great.

So I reserve naps for when needed badly only.

I also had my share of naps in my year of Interferon anyways, I'm tired of naps.

Fuck naps.

So now what do I do?

Matt isn't here to listen to my dumb shit, watch me sing stupid songs to the cats and dance around in my underwear, or flying around the house on a broom.

I look around and recognize that I am sitting in a pigs pen, then I am thinking hmmm I could clean.... then I think of the Latour Pinot Noir in the kitchen and that makes me think of the chicken that needs to be cooked before it's wasted, and I am sitting here so unsure of what to do that I'm smoking and blogging.

I'll eventually make that chicken, may wash a dish or two, but I won't forget about the Pinot.

Bird lovers beware, I am a bird killer.

Well, attempted bird murderer.

Ok I killed a magpie years ago but tonight I plan on taking another out with my slingshot, because a whole gang of em have taken up residence in the trees outside my balcony.

They fucking squawk horribly and harass the neighbourhood animals, and I am sick of it.

They are actually classified as pests here in Edmonton, so it's totally legal to kill them.

You bet your bottom dollar a magpie is going down tonight.

That will solve the problem, as the birds will smell the blood of their brother on the tree and won't hang out here for years.

How can I be so sure that murder will solve my magpie problem?

This is how:

When Matt and I lived in Capilano we dealt with a whole season of the horrid morning and evening magpie noise and saved many cats from their harassment, and finally we'd had enough so we killed one. 

They didn't come back for 3 years, when we were moving out of the place. 

So that's how, and I will happily slaughter one and I'll let y'all know how that goes of course.

Also, some quick good news!

Matt and I are looking for a house in Forest Heights, our favourite neighbourhood, mainly so I can be closer to my BFF LOL but really, it will be a winter move but it's happening!!!

Now y'all have a good weekend now, I am gonna get to all this shit I gotta do, clean, cook, drink, kill, ect.

Tomorrow I am going to Metallica with a bunch of weirdos like me and I am bound to have way too much fun.

Maybe I'll take pics and post them on the Black Sabbath!

LURVE YERS!!!

-E.

Sold my soul for a drum of jam

TIS THE BLACK SABBATH

...and I didn't do much, as you should on the Black Sabbath.

We got up late, lazed around playing with smart phones and watching TV, complaining about how lazy we are and then reluctantly hopped in my car to do some Costco.

Fuck that place is a motherfucking zoo I tells ya.

Why do we now choose to shop in a confusing, large zoo full of bargain zombies, all very well trained consumers, for the most part moving quickly, like angry hungry fucking zombies, so many of them with a cart full of Diet coke and Advil, or 300 bottles of water,

WHY?

The deals, oh my goodness, the fucking deals!

You can't even buy one large thing of tinfoil at Safeway for less than 9 bucks, when you can get THREE of them all wrapped together in a package for SIX BUCKS BITCH!

I won't need to buy tinfoil until I'm into my 30's.

What else?

Meat? Cheap as fuck?

HUGE BAGE OF SPINACH for 2 BUCKS??

A MILLION cookies for 4 bucks? A MILLION?

This is the place where you can get a flat of cake, a barrel of onions, a desk of cheesits, a drum of jam, a crate of pizza, for like 3 pennies.

WTF?

I've been robbed these last 10 years shopping at Safeway, I understand that now, but the craziness of the Costco shoppers always kept me away, and doing things the SAFE way at Safeway, where I know where everything is and unless it's toonie tuesday or whatever that horrible day is the first tuesday of every month then it's tolerable, crowd wise.

Satan knows how much I hate a long line or slow movers.

Costco is on a WHOLE other level.

The people of Costco have their eyes on the prize, and they aren't browsing, fuck that, they are on a mission. They will mow you over to get to the next crazy deal.

They are here to shop bulk, and fast.

Today I felt like I was lost and confused and not entirely sure what I wanted to buy there.

I think Matt felt the same way but his manly nature forbids him to express that.

I will admit, I'm a little bit afraid, and almost feel like, c'mon, how are these deals 

SO GOOD?

I must be selling a part of my soul as the price for cheap tinfoil and chicken.

I am suspicious of that place, like, WHAT'S THE FUCKING CATCH?

There's gotta be one.

Or maybe I'm just a little paranoid, and this really is the secret consumer club I am myself now a part of, and it is my duty to stock up on the deals so I only have to buy chicken every 6 months and will have cat food until 2016, and I am just one the ones IN THE KNOW now, and all those Safeway shoppers are FOOLS!

All I know is next time I'll wear more sensible footwear, and keep my eye out for the fast moving old ladies who zoom by on their carts giving me the stink eye looking at us like-

Look at those Newbies.

PSHHH I GOT PLACES TO BE OUTTA THE WAY I NEED 3000 PIZZAS

So getting out of there with TONS OF FOOD for $130, it almost feels like you escaped the jungle with a pot of gold to boot.

Weird, but a relief.

So Matt and I come home and get back to being lazy sloths, but every once and a while get up and do something like wash a dish or put away laundry.

Can't overexert yourself on The Black Sabbath.

We did manage to make ourselves dinner from our shopping trip today, and Matt sliced up a huge log of Steak we got today for like 2 dollars or something and IT WAS DELICIOUS!

See, I was waiting for the meat to taste like shit or be overly stringy with gristle, but it was perfectly tasty.

Makes me feel even more guilty for shopping at Safeway for so long.

This chest of cookies alone a reason to keep shopping at Costco.

Funny story, someone almost murdered me over these cookies.

I won't mention names, lets just call him, 

"THE COOKIE MONSTER."

Anyways, I sold my soul for a deal today, I can feel it, but my fridge is full and so is the freezer, in fact we don't even have the kitchen or cupboard space to be shopping there at all, but again, THE DEALS, THE FUCKING GODAMMMMM DEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLSSSSS!

Tomorrow, is a big day, it's the day I go back to work and then come home and run for the first time in a couple of months.

(Matt is into running again, what I originally got HIM into, now he's dragging my lazy ass back out there, and he told me he was gonna remind me tomorrow at work repeatedly.)

GERD. Eating those Costco cookies won't feel like a wise decision by 730 tomorrow, but will that keep me away from them cookies?

Nope.

-E.

Today I live

Thank you Blue Oyster Cult for making me think.

Listen to this whole song. I know they were on drugs but this song is beautiful.

LISTEN TO IT!!!!
ALL OF IT!!!!
I COMMAND OF YOU!!!!
I PROMISE CUPCAKES OR BEER!!!!*

*IF YOU WANT CUPCAKES OR BEER YOU HAVE TO COME HERE

->http://youtu.be/AUO_5EALZoM<-

So here I am thinking about life and death.
There is some frank talk about dying in here so if this would bother you, I suggest you come back when I am dancing around in a sarong eating a chicken wing, which may happen later....

Life isn't a given.

To live life you need health- not a given either.

Death is inevitable.

Death is what we are born to do.

LIFE IS....

short

exciting

wonderful

glorious

simple

challenging

beautiful

Life is of course many other things, including the ugliness, life is brutal, mean, unfair, disgusting, impossible, boring, sad, sick, strange, life.

Now I think at times I can be a pessimist, but not as much as I think I was before cancer. 
 I didn't have a real understanding of the delicate nature of life and didn't see as clearly the beautiful and wonderful and special and simply GLORRRRRRIOUSSSSS-ness of it all.

Life is great.
It's a lot like me, I call myself a roller coaster, because roller coasters are fun but terrifying, like me of course, and such is life.

Wouldn't it be boring to be on a roller coaster that doesn't turn you upside down, make you puke all over the other riders, never goes up high and never swoops you down low and fast?

I think so.
Who would we be without all the excitement and terror, not humans.
Some type of horrible alien.
Aliens sick me the fuck out, and they are out there, and they are slimy, translucent, without any human characteristics (unlike how TV and film portrays them) they are the enemy and we must be aware... ok whole other entry there....

ANYWAYS! Enough about slimy disgusting aliens. 

DEATH IS...

sad

peaceful

wrong

natural

scary

unstoppable

final

Death frightens most. I feared death stronger than ever last year obviously.
Several dreams and self revelations led me to come to not fear it.
Or it could be the prescriptions....
BUT regardless, at some point, I just stopped and thought:

ERIN:
If your cancer is destined to come back, that will be the time to worry about it.
Worrying is just a waste of time, and doesn't help you prepare for the reality of the situation or diagnosis. Life is happening today. You are as close to normal in a health aspect as a cancer survivor could be.
Wouldn't you be so sad on your deathbed if you spent your last years WORRYING and thus giving the disease power over you and your LIFE? How could you live? You would only die.
IF this is your last few years, why would you want to be a cancer status, a victim, angry and fearful of the disease that you did everything at your disposal to treat, and you have the best team of doctors to monitor you, as well as having your own awareness, so that you can always take a proactive approach to any changes in your body or on your skin.
WHY would you WASTE your LIFE with PETTY things, or people that drain your life force,  leaving you weak and vulnerable to malignancies?
You have today.
Tomorrow is a different thing, but that's part of the ride, now isn't it?

Once this sunk in I felt very peaceful. 
I could enjoy my life again.
I was free of the identity of cancer victim and be Erin, fighting cancer.

Now of course that the chemo is gone the cancer is further away, and now I am just Erin, who has fought cancer. Most of the time I am JUST Erin.

Fear is normal and I think I will always have fear, at least some.
The biggest change is that it has opened my eyes in
 how I want to be in life, and how I want to be in death.

I LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD
Words my Uncle Bertie painted before he died. 
I never understood it more than I do today.
Of course, his version is much nicer, I wrote mine backwards on a piece of scrap manilla envelope, and that shitty retarded looking writing is actually mine, and that last word is world, and it is the least perfect of course, but after all, there is beauty in imperfection.

"Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are"

-E.

Snippets of my evening

This broad inspires me.

New HAIR!

PAHAHAHABAHHAHAHA... um no. I wouldn't do that to myself.

Ever.

I was messing with the Old Booth app

Starting to think this could be a good look for me, it looks.... cozy.....

My shorn pussy is soooooooooooo cute

Did some Gardening

Look! A tomato!

Wearing my favourite T

Having a fireside chai tea in my favourite new mug

Time for bed. This is how I live.

I hate mornings, a lot.

 Even if I had enough sleep, if I have to get out of bed at all it means it's already a bad day.

Good thing lately I have been able to limit the times I smash the snooze... baby steps, baby steps.

-E.

Pussy Shavin', sticky legs, GERRRRD

That title was filthy, I apologize if anyone was offended!

Not!

GERRRRRDD this HEAT is stifling, I've decided for the millionth time this summer that I hate hot summer days. They suck, make me lazy, sticky, smelly, cranky, bitchy, lazy, my makeup melts, I lose all drive to care, I get LAY-ZEEEEEE, did I mention I am sooooo lazy?

So lazy. 

My car is a toaster oven and the steering wheel is fire from Hades, my hands are hot and clammy and my legs stick together. YUCK.

This may not be a popular opinion, but hot sunny days can GTFO.

I much prefer a 15 degree day with a minor breeze over the horrid desert weather we have been having, I will be very happy when it cools down.

I am not the only one who gets annoyed when they are hot, Miss Sabbie cat does too! 

She has been miserable and SO LAZY with her hot coat on, and it was matting really badly so she got a little shaven' from her Uncle John, and she is so happy!

BEHOLD!!!

It's hard to get a good picture of her right now because she is moving around a lot and grooming constantly. She is just tiny without all that mountain of fur, and I am pretty sure she is relieved!

It's a lion cut with a skunk tail.

I love her boots!

So my little puss in boots in running around playing and rolling around and Salem is lying down watching her, just keeping an eye on what she's doing, 

Matt is blowing bubbles for them.

I think I am going to have to get Sabbath shaved every summer, that coat is too much for her.

I LERVE MA KERTERS ERMAHGERD

IN OTHER NEWS

There isn't much actually.

I am slowly raising a gun to my head at work simply because there are NO banquets, very little work to do there- 

(Though I'm sure if my father reads this he could give me something to do-

heh heh)

I spent the day organizing cupboards and throwing away junk, checking email and nothing was there, all day, the phone rang maybe 10 times and time crawls along.

I have to remind myself ERIN YOU ARE MAKING MONEY, if you have nothing to work on, find something. When I was managing full time I would tell my staff

You have time to lean you have time to clean

(This looks much nicer than how I say it.)

That is always in my head at work and never want anyone to see me not working, so I can't be a hypocrite.

Lame I know.

I love when I am busy with lots of banquets, because that means that we are all making money. I am wishing for Christmas right now, but I know once I get there I may curse myself for wishing for that madness, but it is the time we wait for in the service industry.

I will of course work all week but am trying to keep my evening activities to a minimum basically because I am all lazy from the hot, and would rather not move too much if I don't need to.

Reserve at least an hour every night for cool showers and spend the rest near a fan.

(YES, MORE ABOUT HOW I AM MELTING)

I can't imagine living in a sweltering hot country- first of all you would need air conditioning, which makes me freezing cold after being in it for a while, and then I wouldn't want to go outside and turn in the heat on a spit roast.

I used to worship the sun and enjoy being hot.

Fuck that, not anymore, like I said my legs stick together.

Gross and probably too much information.

So I am really a whiney winnie right now, and can hardly think of anything else to complain about, which is actually great because being overheated really isn't a big problem.

I can think of much worse times, so I'll try and remember I could have waaaayyyy bigger problems.

Some people have no problems, or so it seems this guy doesn't.

I'd say this guy probably smokes so much weed and that mass of dread locks are probably better than a hard hat, he probably have very few problems, but a bitch might be one.

-E.