A speech and a bottle of wine

So I wasn't going to post this on here, but lately this dream has been haunting me somewhat and I have been telling friends and family about it. A few weeks back I had a biopsy on a couple of lumps I had on my lymph removal scar. This raises alarm because cancer will often come back in the lymph nodes around the one that was cancerous, so any lumps or bumps need to be analyzed. I waited six long days before finding out that it was just scar tissue and a reaction to the dissolvable stitches I had back in March. FEEE-EWWW!!! I let out a sigh of relief.

Interesting how this scare helped me to accept my mortality because I realized that if there was more cancer, this could have been my last Christmas. I went to bed the night before I got my results and had a feeling I'd never have in my life- I felt peaceful about it. I said to myself, so this could be it, and of course I'll fight, but this is the situation and you have to ride the ride till the end. I went to sleep thinking this, and here is the dream I had that night.  I wrote it down the next afternoon.


I am dressed like Daisy Duke, with horrible cut off shorts and crop top on a chilly day. I decide to go to the highlevel diner alone to get myself a bottle of wine and for some reason I bring leftovers from my fridge for them to warm and serve me. Chicken and potatoes, a meal I had prepared in real life that week. I enter the diner, and I am greeted by the applause and warm faces of my closest friends, family and even faces from random times of my life who seemed to matter. Someone in the crowd hands me a microphone and this crowd chants      

  " speech speech speech!"
Of course I appear coy and uncertain about the idea before I grab the mic and begin my speech by saying "hello friends family and loved ones, I am of course the legendary Erin Welsh, which you already know, and I have lived on this earth the last 28 years to blow your mind, rock your socks, and shake up the world around us, and make society a prettier place to be. Some people just need my help, and I am happy to provide it. I do what I want and look good doing whatever I please. Though I may be vain and live for indulgence, I still love you all better than all of it, and the best happiness I've felt in my lifetime wouldn't be close to tangible without the most amazing spirits that surround me. Thank you friends, my heart explodes with the love I have for you all."
Or something like that.
I am blown out of my seat onto the floor by the applause, happy laughter and cheers from this crowd. I've never felt such joy and completion than in this moment, in my whole life.

As I am sitting at my table alone, my leftovers make their way to me with a bottle of Chardonnay and I begin my meal. As I am eating I hear servers saying "lock the doors, we are closed." all the waiters near by are looking right at me with a room full of customers all dining. I know inside I'll have to leave first. Even though I wasn't being forced to leave an outside force was pulling me out. I look down at the reheated meal I brought and decided I wasn't at all hungry. I grab the bottle of wine and I down the whole thing, I down it in two big swigs, and I walk out of the restaurant with everyone smilling and laughing and cheering and my heart swelling and I walk out to 109st and take in all the places I had already seen so many times, but today, it was the most beautiful city I'd ever seen. I walk to a corner and hop in a cab, and I watch myself roll away.

When I woke up from this dream, and I know this sounds kinda cheesy- but I felt like I had just said goodbye to my life, and I had tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. I realized that if this was the beginning of the end today, I could die knowing I have had a great life with so many wonderful people by my side. To me that is all that matters.

I went to work and was thinking about the dream, but also was overwhelmed with a need to know the results of this biopsy. I had a deep feeling that my results were in so I called the doctors office. A reception girl said, yes, the results were in but I would have to wait for a nurse to call me later on. My nerves shot through the roof at this point. Luckily they didn't keep me waiting long and a few minutes later a nurse called me and told me the good news- I'm not dying. I can't even tell you how important this dream is and how much more I love and appreciate every single second of everyday. There is a new magic in my life that faded with childhood. Life means so much more when you face losing it.

-E.