A hairy situation

So just a quick one with a few pictures, and blurb and maybe one link to a song. 

Melanoma took a lot from me, it changed me on so many levels. Once I was diagnosed stage 3 I was ready to fight hard and not give up, but I wasn't prepared for what treatment would do to my identity. After four months my hair started to come out in huge clumps in the shower, it got thinner and thinner and broke off on the ends, shortening it by a lot, until I broke and just cut it off.

To say I was devestated was an understatement. Slowly over the course of my treatment more and more hair disappeared and I started to feel ugly. I didn't recognize myself anymore; my identity was stripped away cruely. 

I dealt with it ok, in my way, by investing in lots of inserts of different colors, even had fun with the different colors and styles I could play with. Fake hair was probably the best investment I made in my well being while on a horrific and life-ruining treatment. After interferon I had a scary look of baby hairs growing in with straggly fly aways, brittle and straw like stressed tresses and it seemed like every day I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. They say hair isn't everything but it can be to a 20 something cancer patient who loses 2/3 of that hair. 

Every once in a while I snap a pic of the progress to see how far I've come. I credit the increased growth as of late to no more bleach, no more dye, expensive salon product and limited use of heat styling tools. There's a hashtag on Instagram- #LongHairDontcare but mine is #longhairICare. 

I'm happy.

It'll grow back they said. Well, it finally did. And I couldn't be happier. I finally feel truly myself, and siscors: no thanks. 😃

Since there's no songs about hair that I like, I'll just post a quick hair metal band tune, one of the best of the hair metal tunes ever, and I know my friend Jess will be rocking out to this one.

http://youtu.be/i3MXiTeH_Pg

Thanks for reading my weirdos, stalkers and loves. Without you I would care less about most everything in this wild world.

-E.

May mishmash

Well it's been an interesting month so far!

First my boyfriend and I went to banff and ate and drank until I gained back 5 pounds I kinda didn't want, but oh well. It was delicious. We did some teepee creeping, which for those who don't know is basically a booze cruise, stopping at every establishment that is pouring beer and after 5 hours we went to dinner pretty much drunk, I was hiccuping bubbles like a cartoon character. 

A teepee creep is traditionally a freeloading booze cruise. You stop at one teepee and ask your buddy for booze and tobacco, and then when all the booze is gone and all the cheeba smoked you move on to the next teepee, sometimes extra buddies join the creep but then stay at the next teepee for various reasons- good booze and tobacco or just too drunk to keep creeping. Sometimes there's fights, drunken accusations of theft from buddies teepee, there might even be a teepee fire! But the unpredictability of the creep is what makes it a party. You creep the whole town and then when you're back at the home teepee you rest, but sometimes you might just have to rest at someone else's teepee. The point is to freeload everyone else's shit and make them think they partied with you, when really you just drank their hooch and smoked their cheeba.

Either way a good teepee creep should involve multiple teepees and end in a drunken pass out.

A few weeks back I noticed a bump in my underarm (Esthetican speak for the ugly word armpit) which grew into a lump under the skin. Alarm bells went off but I decided not to panic and give it a couple of weeks. Well a couple of weeks go by and it had grown, and hurting. Uh oh I said. What the fuck is that. 

So I call my oncologist and two seconds later they are booking me with my surgeon, aka Mr. Nicey Slicey, and I'm in full on panic mode. I actually had a job interview at the same time as the appointment they booked me so I asked if they could get me another date, but then they decided I should just go to my family doc. 

Ok whatever. 

Waited ten tense days to see my doc, who ordered an ultrasound STAT, which I did appreciate since this alien thing was growing it's own face and eyes and taking up space in my body at that point.

Here's the only benefit to being a cancer patient: you get results in under an hour sometimes. They do not fuck around. It's literally the only perk, if you can call it a perk.

It isn't malignant. It's a cyst.

Huge sigh of relief. I immediately started eating again. Stuffed a long john down my throat in one bite. Fuck.

The thing is about having cancer once is that whenever you feel something weird in your body your mind immediately goes to CANCER. Oh here it is, the lump that's gonna end it all. But it's just not always going to be cancer, and you have to try and stay calm till you know, not an easy thing to do. 

Basically the cyst would be more painful to remove than to just leave in there so that's what I'm gonna do. Leave it. Let the fucking thing enjoy it's stay in hotel Hex. Whatever. I've seen what they do- they cut you open and take out the pocket of stinky cheese clump, and then pack the wound with gauze! You have to clean and pack it yourself for a couple of weeks, and I am not sure if this is even a cure for it. So just leave it alone, no picking- hard for me- I love to pick and squeeze- and it ain't gonna kill ya.

Yuck, bodies make some gross shit.

Finally the 16th was my bunny Evie's 1st birthday, and it was the cutest! She had on a party dress and liked all her books and toys, and even had a cake all to herself which she picked up with both hands and put to her mouth, getting covered in icing while all of us laughed and took pictures. The cutest.

I wasn't really on it with the camera but here's a couple. Most of the cake ended up on her face dress and the floor. Love it.

-E.

Burn Booze and buddies

Country weird.

I had my first burn/booze and buddies night in my new setting and we had a real barn burner. Well more like a desk and plywood burner but still raging enough for a group of pyros.

As you can see above, John and I can't take a "normal" picture. 

Many more BBB parties to come.

METAL!!!!!!

-E.

There's a future ahead and it might be your last

A quick dose of simple wisdom.

Dallas Clayton rules. He's actually a children's book author but I love his poetry. He's totally the new Dr. Suess.

Night!

-E.

The new girl in town

So really the name of this blog is a lie now that I live on a farm.
2 weeks ago I packed up all my shit, quit my job and moved to the middle of nowhere, and I couldn't be happier.

EVERYTHING in my life has changed. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
I am going from city living in a veritable circus house full of laughter and people, no real routine and no real groceries to speak of, flying by the seat of my pants always, working for someone else, and of course, sleeping alone, which I do not miss.

It's a lot quieter here than the BGM (Big Gay Mansion) and I wake up at the same time everyday already, 8:45, WHAT?! So I already have a routine. A chick named Hex with a routine. Pshhh wow.

I'm also trying to get my business together, and yesterday I officially started advertising my services. I really hope I get busy because I do not want to work for some dick who wants to pay me less than a Tim Hortons employee and tell me what to do. I do not do well with authority, mainly because I want to be the authority. It's proving hard to find a decent employer in the spa industry out here, I have to commute 40 mins- yes thats how remote it is- and encountered a bunch of idiots running spas that don't seem like they know anything about what they are doing. One guy had me fill out a 7 page essay  instead of an interview and when I called to follow up he sounded lost and embarrassed that he had no clue where my resume was. Another called me in for a second interview where I was greeted by a bitchy Slovakian woman who was asking me stupid questions like " Can you pain nail polish well?" And even asked me to come back on another day to give her a pedicure to make sure I know what I am doing. I didn't come back to give her a pedicure.

Because 8 years, my own business and a 95% beauty school average doesn't speak for itself I guess.

I go into town and I am being watched. ALL eyes are on me, the new girl in town.

Heres my song:

http://youtu.be/zM1z7FC7ui0

It's ok, I never really mind people staring, unless I have PMS and having a shitty day then you could get the fire lasers through my retinas so watch out. Sometimes when people stare a little too hard I give their medicine right back to em, I give a sweet smile and stare back, with an air of a singsongy kind of "what the fuck are you looking at? :)" They ALWAYS look away. So far I've noticed that people out here are:

-Friendly
-Like to talk
-Slower than city folk
-Buy lots of lottery tickets
-Know everyone (hence the staring)
-Like country music (just as I suspected)
-Wave at each other on the backroads
-Seem to have all the time in the world

In my city life I am often in 18 different places in one day. I don't have time to talk longer than a couple of minutes, and everyone seems to like it that way. I've noticed people out here talk an average of 10 minutes longer than anyone in the city you run into, and it's hard to know when to say "Gotta go!" So far it's me every time that stops the talking to hit the road. It's too foreign this concept of not being in a rush to get somewhere and do something, get shit done and not just be beating around town stopping to talk with everyone. I don't get it... yet.

There's so much to wrap my head around that it is a little overwhelming at times. I found I have been getting anxiety over trying to get my business rolling while getting used to entirely new surroundings and an entirely new way of life. Its exciting but also very scary. I am not one to get scared to easily but some days out here I am definitely freaked out. I know that in the end I am going to love it, and already do, but still, whoa.

When I go grocery shopping I feel like I am resupplying for a camping trip. It's weird. The little Sobey's in Redwater is so cute, and I don't expect it to have regular "big city" items and when it does I am surprised and delighted.

Out here is the ultimate in recluse living. Me and my man can sit on the back porch and shoot bottles with a BB gun.
We can burn shit whenever we please, and the metal is loud. I liiiikkkke it.

-E.

Unholy guacamole

So I realize I haven't posted a recipe in a while. This one is my moms recipe, tweaked only a little if at all and given the name unholy guacamole to make it sound more black metal of course. 

It's simple and so delicious it has to be evil. Except it's pretty good for you.

You will need:

-3 avocados

-A wedge of lemon or lime 

-Salsa

- Sour cream (my mom made it without, but I sorta like about a tablespoon of it no more than that) or you could even use a small amount of yogurt 

- garlic (to taste) if you're a vampire you will want none obviously, but if you're like me you want a couple cloves in there.

I crudely carve the avocados up and slap em in the dish I'm going to serve it in. It's too annoying to transfer it, and it wastes some. So fuck that, make it easier on yourself.

I add everything. Boom.

I'm using the jar minced garlic cause I feel lazy about chopping it today, and it's almost better anyways.

Lemon that shit up! I like lime the best but I seldom have them since I stopped shooting tequila on the reg, which by the way goes so seamlessly with this guac, like butta. Do the tequila, shit, even splash a touch in there. Rock on.

I just won't cause I don't want to dry out from a tequila binge ever, ever again. 

Get that shit IN THERE.

Ok now, FORK it over and over.

Fork it HARD.

Mmmmmmm not the most appetizing picture but I assure you it's fucking delicious already.

I usually clean the sides of the bowl then smooth it over with the fork, so it doesn't look like a messy tequila and guacamole binge the next day.

Tostitos ? Check.

METALLLLL!!!

-E.

Dr.'s orders

Dr. Seuss was a wise wise man.

I've had this as my phone backround for a while, so I can remind myself to be Erin, 

and all the sides within myself- because  I've got em. I used to think I was just one multifaceted person and that may be partially true, mainly because no psychiatrist has even diagnosed me with multiple personalities.. But they are there.

Warning I could switch from 1st person to 3rd throughout this entry.

Sometimes when I'm uncomfortable around certain people, or feel judged, I can't totally be myself. So I fall back on my reserved personality named Enigma.

Now you're like, really?! Oh this bitch is crazier than I thought, enigma?!

Yeah that's what I wanna call her. It only makes sense. Enigma is:

1) quiet

2) shy

3) mysterious, always mysterious

4) spineless

5) too trusting

6) PC 

All these things are the opposite of who most think I am, but they are in there. It's all socially accommodating traits that are there to not rock the boat, and the reserved part of her is the protective armor I sometimes wear, but overall I'm not a huge fan of her.

She is usually only present for certain people and situations. She is a mask I put on sometimes, and sometimes I immediately shed the mask and other times I put it back on everytime I see the person or I'm in the situation that calls for Enigma. 

When I party or shoot jagermeister, which isn't that often nowadays but it does happen a couple times a year, my party personality takes over and her name is Hobbema Valentine. I got the name after a very intoxicated camping trip where I took a wrong turn on the highway (the next day sober, she's not a drunk driver) and ended up in Hobbema. When she takes over she fucks shit up. She's fun but potentially violent, you definately want to party with her but you also don't want to step on her toes.

She is a force of nature, and doesn't stop till the barn burns down. She is:

1) drunk

2) fun but scary, like a roller coaster 

3) fucker-upper-of-shit

4) self destructive

I don't totally know Hobbema because she is an entirely different person, she takes over like a demonic possession. She also gets kicked out of a lot of gay bars, but usually the gay to do it hugs her and says "sorry I don't want to, but my boss is making me cause you've had too much babe" She doesn't tell me much and when I wake up the next day and she's gone, I've got a wicked hangover to show for it, and have to take responsibility for her wild behavior. I try to not let her out much.

Then there's Hex. She is the one who writes this blog. She is powerful enough to take over and has before, but nowadays she's a big part of "me" but not overwhelming the other sides too much. She's the one that Enigma wants to hide, Erin goes to for reassurance, and Hobbema speaks for. She is:

1) not giving of a fuck

2) a little angry 

3) powerful

4) strong in her convictions

5) "rude"

6) without fear

It is Hex's lack of fear that has kept all of us going during some times of my life, especially with my melanoma battle. Hobbema can't handle it because she would just self destruct, Enigma is a little too insecure to handle fear as well as Hex, and Erin? Geez I don't even know what she's doing when shit hits the fan. Letting Hex take over is what she's doing. 

Hex gets herself in trouble sometimes, but Hex doesn't care, when she offends someone by saying what she wants she only shouts louder. Enigma is too weak to stop her. Hex will be the one to intervene on bad relationships and bad situations- ones where Enigma suffers pain. Hex says what she thinks and feels and has zero tolerance for bullshit. Hex will not be censored and Hex is hated by some who usually are trying to keep up some kind of appearance, and usually judge others. Hex isn't gonna stop for them when she won't even stop for Enigma, who sometimes cringes at Hex's actions, because they are slightly brazen, but in the end they serve us all best.

Hex will go to war and drag the rest of us out alive.

Erin isn't a separate personality, she is just a mix of these three personalities, with some of her qualities unique to just Erin. Those qualities are:

1) heart on sleeve

2) sensitive 

3) caring and considerate

4) off beat

5) happy    

6) glass half full

Erin is hyper sensitive when it comes down to it. She takes most things  seriously and doesn't understand when others don't. She can be wounded and even jaded, but always strives to be as positive as possible. She can see the postive side of the melanoma, or anything else hard in life. She can look for approval for the sake of harmony and social ease but when she doesn't get it Hex can take over the situation, and she keeps pressing on. She exists with little to no prejudice and is baffled by it in others. She is pretty peace loving but has a pretty strong spine, and will disturb peace to preserve her heart and her loved ones hearts. Hex taught her well.

Erin is a bit of a vessel for these different personalities, but she's realized that there is no silencing Hex, and there's no changing Enigma. Hobbema is just the wild card, but even Erin will take responsibility for her, even if it isn't really Enigma or Hex. She just lets them play their part in her life, and all of us in here get to be a part of Erin. 

Maybe all of this sounds batshit crazy to you, but to us it's normal, it's right, it's our life. You've got your own personalities too, demons many call them. They aren't demonic, they are innate, a part of you. Embrace them. All of them will thank you if you can thank them. 

And I thank you, those who understand this conglomerate of different people inside me. You mean more to me than anything else in the world. Without you all we would have nothing to live for. Without those who oppose us we would have nothing to fight for, nothing to identify as. So thank you all.

May you embrace your inner Hex,  love your inner Enigma, and let that Hobbema out of the cage from time to time.

-E.