Hallelujah

I wear my huge heart on my sleeve and I have such a hard time hiding when things are not right, but they are just not.

Fucking pisses me off.

I don't even have words or really anything to say yet, but all I know is I am so thankful for the friends and family that have not only been there but remain by my side, I don't know what I would do without them.

I know this is cheap of me but I will return with the words, but for now I just don't have them.

Today this song is comforting to me.

http://youtu.be/P_NpxTWbovE

I chose K.D.'s version because it is just completely raw and beautiful.

This is my song of hope.

-E.

Skank armies and Evil Trinities

So me and some buds were hanging out drinking martinis extra dirty on a Saturday night recently and watched Mean Girls a couple of times...

Now if you've never seen it first of all WTF and second go ahead and get that shit, it's worth a good laugh, because it's so true.

And if you aren't going to watch Mean Girls at least check out the 40 quotes I found on one stupid site, hahaha, MADE OUT WITH A HOTDOG? THAT WAS ONLY ONE TIME!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/40-mean-girls-quotes-that-make-everyday-life-worth-living/

Plus the SNL cast makes it even better.

So shutup and watch Mean Girls, loser.

Even Blowhan rules in it.

WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME?

Everyone knows/ has known a Regina!

K HAD to put that last one in, lmfao.

Here's a sad thing- Mean girls still exist in my peer group, only a few here and there, but they seem to get their bitchy powers in groups of three, or six.

Now what some bitches do is push out a fourth and instead find other threesomes to hang out with, so they can add a couple better looking girls to the equation to balance out the not so hot bitches, and so they can become a SKANK ARMY.

(One movie that was totally Mean Girls before Mean Girls was The Craft, who could forget what those Evil Three did to the Fourth.

They act like they hate her and then do Magic with her.

Typical mean girl shit.)

Now skank armies, two trios bonded together as one, will bring one or two friends around that they feel don't threaten them, so they can't ever be toooo hot or she'll get bashed behind her back by the skank army.

(HA! My computer wants to spell check skank to skunk. Skank, skunk, what's the difference, except one smells like a Baby Prostitute.)

 If she's too hot then one skank who is usually the mastermind bitch or the one who quietly churns the cauldron but always acts like she's innocent.

Now those bitches are the most dangerous of a Trinity. 

These evil Trinities exist within our society and the third spot can be a bit of a revolving door, instead of a fourth being pushed out another third comes in and resents one of the Trinity and impregnates the fortress of friendship with manipulative and gossipy ways, making this Trinity evil and toxic, giving the other bitches of the trinity something interesting to talk about, another person, and for everyone to get out their....

"OK, So I was wondering if anyone ever noticed she does _?"

All of the Trinity gets to cackle and go 

"OMG I thought it was just me who noticed!"

"Eew!"

"I SO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! WHAT A BITCH!"

"LOLZ"

Now I think I have intentionally avoided having tight circles of only girls on and off during my teens and twenties because this shit does happen and I've witnessed and been brought into it and it's happened to me as well. Really only minor things along the way and then some adult drama as well.

It's sad and I hate it, why can't girls just fucking get along without hating something about the other(s) and talking so much about each other?

I hear it everyday and can't help but smile a little and feel kind of sorry for that person, needing to share their personal hate for some bitch with some other bitch all within ear shot of others seemingly not caring what they are saying and who hears it, and of course now girls can be mean to each other any way they want on social media like Facebook and Instagram, Twitter, shit, I've even done it myself, you can be as passive to as aggressive as you want, it's your online reputation at stake, or your nose, depending on what you say.

Am I am a Mean Girl for saying that some "women" are still acting like 12 years olds?

Well I can say the same about some men, buts that's a whole other blog entry, there are no evil trinities in guy world, but theres a whole other bunch of other immature shit, not saying this is everyone of course, do you think I'm THAT bitter?

LOLZ

K,

So Mean Girls, or Bitches of Evil Trinities, at least be a Regina George or Janice Ian.

In the end when you are not together in your little bitches circle you are just BITCHES.

                      “I don’t hate you ‘cause your fat. You’re fat ‘cause I hate you!”

LOVES YA!

-E.

Al-Bert-Duhh

Late Saturday, after a fractured sleep/passout/nap, still sick, blog time.

Got some The Devil makes Three on the iTunes and a little "cough syrup"- ice cold Jager.

Just thought I'd share this ridiculous photo shoot masterminded by Strongbow and Grape vodka one strange grubby weekend a few weeks ago, not like being grubby isn't a trend that goes out of style for me on the weekends; I just try to be somewhat glamourous in a.... scrubby way. I'll wear fake lashes and full hair with dirty clothes, as Gretchen Wieners would say, I'm SO fetch.

The weekend is when I can wear toques with mens band shirts and kilts or mini skirts, ok I wear mini skirts all week, but micro-mini is a step up, but it ain't skanky in wool tights.

 I can't say what the fuck in hell my "style" is, and I hate being asked that, which is often. 

I do a pencil skirt with a floral blouse opaque tights and a sharp neutral fitted jacket for my professional office girl job, with my "trademark" daytime drama makeup MON-FRI, then on the weekends I never wear the same outfit twice, and could end up in anything, including dresses depending on where I am going but I love Canadiana gear with my own grungy/ skanky twist, or whatever the fuck it is, with anything from electric green to Amy Winehouse liner, or both, platform/stiletto heels and with my clothes it's more of a mental patients pairing of items, nothing has to match, but there can never be too many accessories or unnecessary items, gypsy bracelets, several long necklaces, hair flowers or bandanas, or ridiculous pairings such as a wool poncho with short shorts, with matted unstyled hair and aviators, the un-skinny, un-famous but perhaps infamous Mary Kate Olson of Western Canada.

If you ever bother observing certain trademarks I have when it comes to my wardrobe it is always some black wool item. 

Sometimes it's my good old "chemo hat" this toque complete with bunny tail top and two grungy lazy goth zippers on it that was given to me by my bestie John, I wore this thing 24/7 unless I was working, black wool cardigans, purses, headbands, tanks tops, I don't know how I have amassed so many black wool items for virtually any weather condition, ridiculous I know, anyways I'm getting waaaayyy off track here, enough about me and black wool, the fugg.

The whole Al-Ber-Duhhh thing for me is very complicated, I love my home but I also see the redneckism and the Texas style pride in our meat n' potatoes eatin', truck drivin', oil rig workin', wooohoooHOOOOO yokels that we all have a little of within us, whether we want to admit to it or not, then theres that weird farmer blood that runs through our veins where we eat our dinners earlier than I'd prefer to and getting up at dawn is an admirable, prideful thing here, I understand it, but don't live that way at all, but the heavy holiday dinners at 2 or 3pm, dude, I can't even do it.

It's some weird farmer excuse to get that meat in their bellies and have a half a pie for dessert before 4pm, have a nap and wake up still drunk and have several more before going to bed... OK so this is totally not everyones Alberta experience, but I have experienced this small town AB farmer lifestyle, and I think there is a lot of denial and bigamy in some Albertans that runs deep, and keeps us from progressing as a province as a whole.

Edmonton, the "Rome" of our province as I see it, more than half of it is in fucking ruins, most of that is on our roads, where I almost lose a tire 3-4 times a goddamm day due to the gigantic potholes, and I see a growing disparity between the classes within this expanding city, with oil wives needing bigger and bigger houses in areas that are pretty much suburbs to me, and should have separate names, Terwilliger, or however you spell that, you ain't Edmonton, you are like the North Vancouver to West Van, two different fucking towns.

Geez.

And you can get from one suburb to a very distant one out on the mainland in the time it takes the train here to go from Central station to Southgate. For the same price.

Bullshit!

Then there's Calgary, the unofficial capital of Alberta, with fancy infrastructure and matching houses to make those perfect little neighbourhoods that are annoying to even try and find there, it's the metrosexual capital of the world, full of sleazy yuppies who's palms are most likely greased by oil, and full of that cowboy spirit, every time I've been to stampede, to me it's like a Brokeback mountain midway that reeks of farm animals and beer puke. Not that I don't enjoy my visits to CowTown.

Welcome to Alberta- where you'll see vegans in leather.

ANYWAYS, what is the Alberta girl, the Alberta guy, the Alberta gay, the Albertan... Who the fuck are we? 

There is so many smart incredible Liberal people in this place yet our province is always ruled by Conservative rednecks...  OH AND we have WEM that actually is a horrible place, though I will admit the Waterpark rules.

Maybe thats just who we place our loyalty in, because a whole we are afraid of change, we are cowboys and farmers out heeeer in al-Ber-Duuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

How did we glorify Ralph Klein, the drunkest politician like, ever, who was dubbed "King Ralph", only to end up unable to speak properly, which is just poetic justice really, but we kept him in power, and even people who hated him gave him those extra chances by voting for him because cause he was just an AB Good ol' boy, so what if he hated immigrants and went to a homeless shelter drunk and told the homeless there to get jobs.

That's Al-berrr-duhhh for ya.

BUT:

This is just my wild and uneducated opinion, and that's why I ain't no Politician, and maybe I don't know SHIIIIIIIT about politics and the inner workings of the whole shady biz, but I know I am not a Conservative and I know I am also a rebel but also progressive, open to great change.

Ok enough of me ripping my home another one, I love where I live and refuse to leave, or find the idea very difficult, especially after spending years living outside of this majestic province, dude, we've got THE FUCKING ROCKIES. Big ass mountains, beat that!

Plus Alberta has my love, my loved ones, my heart, my everything, and I believe in this place.

So here's my Alberta Girl "photoshoot", sponsored by Stongbow and Russian Vodka and John Deere, powered by cabin fever, and cheered on by Jeremiah Valleau and shot by MacBook Photography.

MUA/STYLIST- THIS BITCH

ASSISTANTS: SALEM & SABBATH CAT, JEREMIAH, BOOZE AND JOHN M'FKIN DEERE- (To cover the 'farm equipment" if ya know what I'm saying, har har har.)

REDRUM Style writing on the mirror, classy as fuck behaviour for any good ol' AB girl.

If I ruled this province I would make it illegal to be a greasy jerk off , and that's all this world really needs, in my shallow opinion, that and busses that come on time, because maybe if they did I could lessen my carbon footprint.

But I gotta say- some of these Alberta boys can wear the shit out of them Wranglers let me tell ya wut.

;)

-E.

The colourful life

IN LIVING COLOUR

Just on a picture posting spree, bombing Instagram and Facebook feeds, so allow me to bomb my blog with a splash of COLOUR!

It is spring after all.

I love making myself into Andy Wharhol's Marilyn

Bumblebee Bitch

I may wear a lot of black, but I live my life in full colour.

XoXoXo

-E.

Pinky

On this day 4 years ago I had to put my beloved 30 pound cat Pinky to sleep, which broke my heart and I miss that fatty, he sure had one serious personality.

Just a quick entry to take a moment to remember Pinkster McGee.

I couldn't find ANY pics of him, what I had of him were stored on a computer that died a brutal death, then were on phones that died brutal deaths as well, but I do have an album full of Pinky pics except it's packed away in some of my stored items and I have no idea where in this jam it could be, but truth be told, he would probably hated me more for showing a picture of him as he was almost 30 pounds and WHITE, not the most slimming colour, he would hiss at the camera and he didn't want no pictures taken of him, so I believe he would have not wanted to be shown anyways.

Pinky was a gigantic white cat with pink features that loved lasers and fetching- for the first year of life or so- but that all changed by around 1 or 2 years old where all he wanted to do was eat and hiss.

One time he literally spat in my brother Daley's face, who actually gave me the cat in the first place.

Pinky loved his food more than anything else, that's why I put a little photo of him in his food dish and put it in a box so that he could always be in his dish, that was his very favourite place to be. 

What little love he had in his heart was for food and nothing else.

That Pinky was the cutest little rascal as a kitten, climbing cupboards and even getting in the fridge once when I wasn't looking, and my other cat at the time Asia was meowing at the fridge one morning on my way off to work, I open the fridge and the Pink jumps out.

He quickly learned how to dumpster dive and would scavenge himself all the chicken bones but would seldom actually eat much of it, to him it was a present to you, garbage all over the floor.

That was my Pinkerton!

He hated children more than anything, which is hard to believe cause he hated most everything A LOT but his hate for babies ran so deep I warned people against ever bringing their children over.
 It was mainly the high pitched screaming he hated, he would attack my head if he was lying on the couch behind me and I startled him with a loud laugh, he would turn on you.

One such time I did laugh loudly and startled him awake and in a second his claws were in my scalp and I was shaking my head violently trying to get him off of me and he's dancing and hissing and trying to murder me, but shortly after I would always fall for it and reward him with food, I wanted him to love me so desperately.

But the children, oh my god, the children, I sometimes wonder if he would have tried to take a fetus from a womb he hated them so much.

That was Pinks.

Miss ya buddy, even if you would have actually killed me if you got the chance.

XOXOX

-E.

Sick minded

HELLLOOOOO BLOGESPHERE!!!

I have emerged from the wreckage and ALIVE!

Well, I am not going to go into a minute by minute breakdown of the last 2 weeks of March but lets just say they were stressful and sick days, most of the last week at least I have been dealing with an actual cold, not just fighting a little baby bug it was the big momma, it started with that scratchy throat and progressed into a full blown cough, shortness of breath and a really creepy sounding voice, like I smoked 8 packs of cigarettes a day, I scared even people like Jess Adam that has known me since I was 15, she was like, 

Your. Voice.

I had that 

"Death Rattle"- not a nice sound.

Of course I try and laugh and I don't laugh quietly, so I sounded like a braying donkey, getting the occasional kick in the rear end.

It got progressively worse, and by Monday I was feeling like a bag of greasy stir fried ass so I got in my grubbiest give-ups and got in my car to go to the doctor, turn the ignition and my stupid car won't start, well, I got in some mood after that let me tell you.

Old Shitbox was living up to it's name, just literally a glorified garbage can on wheels for a couple of days she was, until some miracle of satan- SHE STARTS.

Hasn't died yet. That almost makes me worry a little more...

BAH!

You know what they say- Rock it till the wheels fall off.

I only had to call a Taxi ONE TIME!

So these were just minor problems but with all of these minor issues stacking up together all the while enduring some PMS from the depths of the deepest hell is coursing though my veins, I started to become unravelled, and looked and sounded like a scary killer for most of the week, all the while I am spreading the plague to all my friends and all of us are all stacked up in one big sick mushy smelly useless pile of garbage, all of us doped up on Nyquil and NeoCitran, a bunch of stinking unshowered bums.

Well I am feeling much better today.

I wanted to write earlier this week but my pattern of thinking was clearly disturbed by the cold medication, I tried and all I could muster was a bunch of non-sensical garbage, with the occasional sarcastic remark followed by some shit I thought was poetic until I read it and really it was a bunch of drugged up craziness from the meds, I prefer to not take that shit but this was the kind of cold where I could have passed out from coughing so hard, I had to take a suppressant.

Some people think its code to just suffer through a cold without drugs.

"Not all bugs need drugs!"

Fuck that noise this bug needs a drug, gimme the daytime/nighttime pack, so I can take the razor edge off what could be a week of pure hell.

With the daytime stuff I can go to work and be productive, sometimes if I'm really hopped up I am probably even more dynamic than usual! I am moving around in stiletto heels and want to do my makeup in a pewter smokey eye and full hair, I am all over the place and I even laugh more. 

Half way through the day I'm taking a couple more with a smile on my face going, yeah!

This stuff is the SHIT!

It usually catches up with me by the time I get home and sit down, and you feel like you are crashing off a caffeine buzz, your head is swimming, your eyes feel pried open, but inside you feel like trash and just want to die, so that's when it's time to pop open the blister pack with the little half moon on it, and nighty night bitches.

I decided a few years ago that I couldn't afford to have a cold and that if I did I would load up on the Tylenol cold day/night and I would just go about things as I normally would except obviously not drinking any wine or anything like that, just taking the damn pills to ride it out, and function at a higher level than a normal sober sick person in bursts throughout the day, and if you do or say anything weird you can blame it on the cold medicine!

Before cold medicine:

 After cold medicine:

Now my poor gay husband is sicker than I was, as he prone to pneumonia and has been knocked right on his ass from it, poor thing will be on antibiotics for a couple of weeks, sad face.

I still have the lingering side effects of that beast, but I feel so good I am happily doing laundry and singing to music, I kind of like the smokey jazzy effect it has had on my singing voice. I have never sung more in my life as much as we do here at the big gay mansion, we break out into musical numbers about just about any old thing around here.

Makes it a very fun happy place to be.

Even if you can't sing you should still try, and even if you suck I will respect you more if you just sing your little heart out, no matter how much it sounds like feral cats being beaten with babies, just belt 'er like a Canadian Idol reject!

Here is one of the songs on my laundry playlist, stuff that keeps me excited about cleaning but I can still sing along to!!!

Even with half a voice, on cold medicine I'm like fucking Celine Dion.

;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcyTR5mEC_E

I got my mom into the above band. I played her their metal version of The Phantom of the Opera and she was headbanging a week later!

I have to include my non-metal selection of the evening, I don't care if some say they are gay in the bad way, I love this song, it is truly beautiful and FUN. to sing.

LOL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts&feature=share&list=FLpMIfRIs2-_F11Yi4adYbqw

Nighty night bitches, and stay away from the black plague, but if you do catch the death I urge you to grab that trusty day/night blister pack!

-E.