Life Stew

This week has been one of those weeks where some scary stuff has happened and some wonderful stuff has happened, mixed emotions, like LIFE STEW MMMMM, all kinds happening all at once.

I will start with the wonderful stuff, because I need to get on the horn about this:

My lovely cousin Francesca and her husband Ryan have birthed their bun, his name is Finn and LORD KNOWS how he was created, he is so cute and precious 

ERMRRRGRRRDDD BERRRBERRRRZZZ!!!

SO CONGRATS to my RAD cuz Francesca, or Checky as we used to call her, I feel that she is a natural nurturer and will love motherhood. 

LOVE YA HON!

Ok, and now for the scary shit...

My daddy's blood pressure went through the roof yesterday, landing him in the hospital for a few hours and me being a sufferer of high blood pressure- but never that high- freaked out and I suppose that didn't help me much...

He's ok now but these things are like little creepy crawlers that happen upon you when you aren't even expecting it- high blood pressure is so so scary.

I doubt my constant and twisted motherly words to him are any consolation like, 

"just relax"

or

"tell the doctor you need Xanax"

I am truly that whacked out of daughter that has been through the medical system and tries to take advantage of it, by asking for Xanax.

I'm just kidding mum.

Anyways, I am still a little worried about him and just as he looked out for me while I was ill, I can't help but do the same.

After my ordeal and uncommon and frightening amount of biological knowledge- I should get a goddamm doctorate for all the shit I have read, I've deciphered medical jargon since high school to get the real unfiltered facts about my ailments over the years, I could practically be an open heart or brain surgeon I tells ya!

SHIT! I COULD BE A SIAMESE TWIN SEPARATER SURGEON!

Screw Psych, it's twin separation surgery, my "major".

Maybe Harvard will give me an honorary cancer survivor degree...

Hmmm... emails?

Anyways, I need my dad to be healthy, I want him around a long time because I will be pushing 40 some once I finally get some of my shit together, and I want him there to be proud of me.

To me, there is nothing better than making my daddy proud.

Ok now I am tearing up, getting too emotional here, hmmmm, look at this:

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT?!

I bet he could smell ya from 2k away and swing accross branches to get ya, and rip your eyes out while dancing around you.

I would rather be eaten by a bear than killed by some kind of fucked up monkey.

Ok so that's it for today... plus I was wrong I don't leave for Ontario till TUESDAY. Geez Erin, geez.

Keep on sparklin' shiny loves!

-E.

Stuff and stuff

So I am texting with my mom today about this and that and I told her,

"I finished a unit today but I only got 80% so I can't try for a higher mark, :("

She responds:

"Is this our daughter?!"

Then reminds me that 80% is not a shitty mark, and that my over mark will still be high, and that they (my awesome parents) are soooo proud of me.

I love them.

I am finally the A student my parents would have loved to have seen a long time ago, I think they knew I could always do better than how I did in grade school, she knew I was no retard but it was well known that I didn't make school my number one priority.

Hahah.

Shows you how much you can change in your lifetime.

From truly not caring about to success in something to making it your goal to do it and to do it well. 

After several people told me to shut up that 80% still puts me on the Deans list I was like,

"Yeah, you guys are right, I am going to go from upset to proud!"

I am my biggest critic, and man can I ever pick out faults in myself.

It is something that I am trying to keep at a healthy level.

If I stop picking out those flaws then I am not learning all I can, and then I won't do as well.

Being my own ass kicker, lighting fires under myself and striving to do better will bring rewards, maybe not right away but with perseverance and drive 

I CAN DO THIS!

GEEEEZ I sound like a motivational video.

SO!

I am going to get a mini vacation with my parents this week, Friday I leave for my place of peace, The Niagra Region of Ontario.

It is totally different from here, thicker greener trees, ol' timey towns, Canadiana all over the place, a slower pace of life and a very serious amount of importance given to the dinner table, family, and WINE!!!

I cannot wait to visit this side of my family which is the Welsh side, my immediate family are the lone Welsh's of Alberta, everyone else is in Ontario.

There is something about the feeling I get out there, it's a feeling of balance and wholeness, I am very close with my Alberta family which is my mothers side, and as a child only got to visit a few times but in the last few years we have gotten to see each other more, and it is fun to see myself in this part of my family, I see where I get certain traits that come from my dads side and I've got my Grandmothers chin, and love of music.

My Grandmother and I have always had a special relationship, and she's been my pen pal my entire life, I do my best to correspond with her as regularly as possible.

We will have five days of chillin' with family, seeing Grandma, big dinners and lots and lots of laughs, lets not forget the WINE!

I am not drinking a drop of alcohol until I can get out there and have some local vino.

This weekend was St. Patty's day which to me is not worth celebrating, the conversion of Pagans in Ireland to Christianity, or whatever indoctrination happened there because of this guy, but it always an excuse to get bombed, so Saturday we did, I wore green eyeshadow to avoid a pinching and the usual crazies came over to rock the roof off this damn place, and I still have a headache.

So anyways I probably won't blog until I am back next week and then I shall post pics of course.

To all my lovely Ontario family I can't wait to see ya's!

Alicia I have a big frowny face that I can't see you!

:(

SOON MY DEAR SOON!

I will just come visit you in Amish Country LOL.

Here's some really awesome news, it'll be like, a month and a half or so before my NEICE is born! Oh man can't wait to spoil that baby.

WHOOP!

That's me reminding myself of all the things to look forward to, to carry on each day for.

-E.

P.S.

I dyed my hair JET black.

Not cherry or violet black, blackest black.

You know what they say once you go black...it's tough to go back!

Same goes for red so BAH, I figured MIGHT AS WELL!

I'm kinnnddddaaaa missing half my mouth because of the lighting but shit this is about my hair not my lips. Ha.

I'm not really sure what took me so long to dye my hair black, like I said I'd go brown black, reddish black, cherry violet purple black etc. I always came close but never went all the way.

When I was small I was a toehead, some albino child with such fine short hair I was mistaken for a boy many times, albino minus the pink eyes.

 By the time I was around 9 it was a perfect golden blonde, I know because my dad kept locks of my long hair I got cut off around 10 0r 11.

 By the time I was 12 I has started dying it, "red" first which went purply pink with "temporary" dye and cool aide, which you wouldn't have heard me complain because at that point it had turned a dark dishwater princess dirty blonde with somewhat golden highlights in the summer that didn't even flatter me-my mom said the same thing about her natural ashy blonde. 

Plus I felt cool for dying my hair.

Something about being a natural dark blonde- or dishwater princess, dirty blonde, swamp head-my favourite, the golden mouse, or just light brown or dark blonde, which is boring.

We want to all have "honey" hair but some of us are cursed with a boring swamp head.

So I said FUCK IT!

I needed a radical change, I didn't really even want to recognize myself, plus I wanted to match all my clothes and cats!

Black as my soul it was.

It happened... and it is totally permanent.

I just did it last night and black it will stay for a while, I've had every colour.

I am just going to enjoy life on the dark side for a while.

SMILE!

Love ya shiny humans.

-E.

The Sibelius Shine

OK, so since I've been picking up ol' Violino more regularly since my treatment ended like a gdam year ago to drown my sorrows in Vivaldi or Thais or Weiniawski I have revisited this concerto I've had collecting dust for too long and have had to take it very slow thus testing my patience and I long to have no job, some rickity old home with running water and all the time in the world to dissect this piece of music but unfortunately I do not so I have almost considered getting a teacher for this one.

Most of what I pick up in sheet music I already have heard or I listen to it and I can get it.

This one is ridiculously difficult and only practice it when I have the house to myself which isn't often but this piece right here might be my version of

"Shine"

Award winning film BTW, and totally for that night that you feel like getting all deeeeeep maaaaaann.

Can't find the footage I want from that movie but listen to this like 2 or 3 minute long montage of the Shine guy and you'll hear how someone could end up on the funny farm trying to master it in every single way.

We are not robots we are humans, and the expectations surrounding this level of music are intimidating and would drive a person bat shit crazy.

THIS is not the piece driving me nuts, so if you've heard it, scroll on down, or if you don't care about some crazy pianist playing Rach 3 SCROLL DOWN.

http://youtu.be/jv2dne019yg

If you don't know the movie, basically this very intelligent dude I think he's Jewish... goes mad trying to learn an incredibly complex piece of music that demands perfection.

Rachmaninov Piano concerto number 3 will put a pianist in a mental institution.

The brighter the musician, the more likely.

THE most difficult piece of music written for any instrument, apparently.

I have to disagree because the first movement of this Violin concerto I dusted off makes me a lunatic, more than I already am, fuck fuck fuck!

ENOUGH PIANO!

BACK TO THE VIOLIN PIECE IN STUDY!

Ok so maybe I am too old to get it down perfectly. 

Maybe I am too much of a Gypsy player to play it technically perfectly.

Probably.

I just want the satisfaction of unlocking the puzzle of bowings, positions, yeah hahaahha, all that violiny nerd shit.

ANYWAYS.

Sibelius Violin Concerto

The first time I heard this was when my youth orchestra played it in the Youth Orchestra with a soloist from our orchestra, this talented little Asian fuck named... ok I've said enough.

Anyways he played it with a smirk on his face and had an almost robotic yet Kung-Fu delivery and movement while he played, and being 16 or so I was pissed off that he said he didn't care much for the violin and this was easy shit.

Well it's not, but I won't stop trying, but if I end up in a metal institution you'll have to take the violin for a while.

Now it is not of course the violin orchestral part I can't play to my satisfaction, did that.

It's the soloist in the concerto that makes this piece fucking magic.

Sorry to all that aren't musical nerds, but trust me with my classical picks, I don't like boring ass music.

SO WATCH THIS AND SEE WHY I AM OBSESSING RIGHT NOW!!!

http://youtu.be/YsbrRAgv1b4

AND!!!!
For gosh darnit jesus H. on a cross,

If you think THIS PIECE should be easy your last name better be either Paganini, Bach, Vivaldi, Perlman or MOZART.

Thank you.

It will never end, until I can play it naturally and put all the emotion into it I won't be happy, and even then I probably won't be happy, please cremate me with this music. 

GERRRRRD!!!

That is the curse of the Violin...

-E.

A little Tchaikovsky tonight

Just a quick entry to share my joy and love for this piece of music.

A very favourite Classical piece of my entire life.

Nothing uplifts my soul or makes me cry tears because of it's beauty more than this piece.

Tchaikovsky had a knack for pulling you in emotionally and then letting you crave more tears, sadness, joy and exhilaration, with shocking beauty and melody.

Tchaikovsky is not my favourite composer, DUH, I'm a violinist, bad nerd joke there...

Well with this Russian Virtuoso is a pianist, and well, naturally I am loyal to my favourite violinists.

Either way, this piece will be playing when I am in my last moments of life... I don't care how crazy of an old lady I am I will make the nursing home people play it.

So this concerto is like, 34 minutes long, which is nothing to me having played 2 1/2 hour long symphonies but if you want to slap this on in the backround of whatever you are doing you will love it as much as I do I can promise you that.

The first movement has me crying every single time I put it on... it is my favourite.

Plus I love to play the first violins part in the first 3 minutes of the first movement.

The second movement bores me a little, it is a little more restrained than I think he would have liked to be, he did to please the crowds with a traditional Largo following the Allegro, but then the third movement makes me feel like there is magic all around me, like butterflies everywhere and some sense of triumph and victory.

Plus the chick in this video recording does a wonderful job of truly playing this piece the proper way, dare I say better than Tchaikovsky himself... I shan't. What a sin...

This Russian can play THE SHIT out of a piano, and I must say he wasn't too hard on the eyes in his day.

OH! When you think it's over at 20 minutes, it so not. Finish it all.

http://youtu.be/ItSJ_woWnmk

-E.

Laughing my way through all of it

I love the question,

How's things?

What things?

How's stuff?

Like, my stuff and things?

I'm sure they are fine.

So I get asked that often but usually go

Oh they are great

Even if they're not. 

Unless it's one of your besties and you're gonna poop all your garbage all over them and they "get you" then what are you going to say?

THINGS, STUFF, HMMMM

Well I can't complain I guess, I have all my limbs, I am not a prisoner of war, lucky for me I only have a few 1st world problems and the rest of it I should just shut up, because as this badass Ukrainian chick once said to me when describing her entire family being killed off slowly one by one, leaving nothing but her and her little brother, 

"There are worse things."

I thought, LIKE WHAT?

In a Ukrainian accent.

I wish I knew where this chick was now, she was so cool and badass.

She probably the first person to really get me to see how lucky I was to be a Canadian, and how much suffering and corruption there can be in this world.

Before cancer, I'd be in a bad mood over my hair, or rips in my tights at work, or some annoying customer and I complained A LOT.

I look back and think, sheesh Erin, you had it easy back then.

One of my biggest problems would have to be my overactive imagination, and sensitivity.

I try to look hard and stuff but I can be very sensitive to the thoughts and judgements of others. I guess the way I react when people hurt my feelings can be pretty harsh apparently, but those people don't talk to me anymore.

Oh.

MEH, THEIR LOSS.

Well, at this point I look very vague about what I am saying.

I guess right now I feel that flooding of feelings of all kinds.

A brand of sadness I've had running as an undercurrent my whole life on and off, a feeling of loneliness though I know I am not alone, a nervous excitement about the future and being back in school, the mini bits of fear about failure which is a good stress but a stress nonetheless, but then you mix in the fucked up feelings of the end of a marriage and the constant changing of the conditions of all that bloody mess, life after cancer and it becomes confusion, the most prominent emotion.

Now don't you start to worry about me, I am just fine, it's just life.

The confusion is what makes it so I don't really cry, I can't, I can but I can't also.

It's weird, I guess I reserve tears for makeup wrecking worthy issues- there aren't many of those, wrecking my makeup?!

Shit no!

I know that life isn't supposed to be easy and challenges come up sometimes more than we would like but if you hold on to the good and laugh through it I promise anyone can get through anything, even if it's just day to day shit.

There are days when I want to cry, but I try to laugh instead.

Sometimes both and I look like a loonie bin but it helps so much to laugh with friends when you are feeling down.

Sometimes when my head is muddled with too much everything and I can't even express my feelings I go get tattooed or pierced, like I did the other day, got my ears re-pierced with a gigantic goddamn 6 gauge needle and got little plugs that just look like button earrings, so I am not going to piss off my dad showing up at work with his nemesis, STRETCHED EARS!

Uh, maybe don't tell him they are stretched....

I like needle therapy.

When I was sick I had to get poked and prodded all week, for so long, and it something I couldn't control.

Getting tattooed and pierced is a needle I can control and has a nice result, like an amazing image not collapsed veins.

They are a little swollen and crusty, woke up with blood on my pillow, but I loves em.

Another form of therapy for me is head banging.

This is something us metal heads do, and a mosh pit is not what you think it is.

People always do their best not to intentionally hurt you though it can happen which adds to the thrill, and it is so fun to thrash out all your anger, and with the music that anger turns to joy.

So I did some serious damn head banging with some of my metal friends this last weekend, and I am still riding on a little high from that. 

EVIL CHICKS WITH DUCK LIPS!

SO YEAH. Back to LAUGHTER!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAH HAH AHAHAH AHAHAHA

I've tried a lot of shit to cheer up during all the harder times in my life, but nothing works like laughing with loved ones.

I am lucky to be surrounded by funny people to make stupid or disgusting jokes with and LAUGH with me.

Some decent wine and cookies don't hurt neither.

-E.