I hear so many women and gay men bitch about their mans snoring problem and it seems obvious that men are way worse than most women, but then there's that one woman who's log sawing sets off car alarms and knocks paintings off the wall. So not just you guys, but you know, men are most likely to be heard snoring loud and clear from across a house. Here's my learned tips and tricks to quiet a snorer. You're welcome.
1) Grow one toenail long and keep it that way. Let it grow beyond the free edge of your toe. Now, if you're worried about ingrowns I'm also an esthetician and I'm here to tell you you're better off with longer toenails to avoid ingrowns. Anyways. Grow it out and use it as a weapon against night time nose noise. Don't be too violent about it, slowly poke him in the lower calf, thigh or anywhere fleshy, and just push a little. The trick is to push until he rolls over to his side, that is the goal to all my tricks really. He will eventually wake slightly, thinking he must have rolled over on to a sharp object that shouldn't be in the bed, but he will be too tired and out of it to look for that object, it could be as simple as some kind of washer, screw, shit, even a nail, but if your guy is less handy it could just be a rogue potato chip, and he will roll over and deal with it tomorrow. But whatever you do, you mustn't let him know that you keep one toenail sharpened just for him, or he might just cut it when you are unsuspecting, say, sleeping.
2) The slow yet persistent kick. This ones the most obvious; kick him until he moves! But it's not as simple as it sounds. There's an art to it. At least an art in being gentle about it. I like to start my kicks light, and do it with the inhale of each snore-producing breath, rhythmically and consistently with an end goal of him rolling the fuck over. My favorite technique is the "pendulum". Lie with your back facing the snorer and slowly kick your leg closest to the snorer forward (away from snorer) then bring it back so you have a little momentum. Control your speed and force, and up both if this fails to move snorer within a minute or two.
3) The tickle. I like personally the ear tickle, because like the toenail trick it makes the snorer think there's something annoying on one side so they move to the other. Use whatever you want to give snorer a little annoying tickle, a feather would work splendidly if you have one near, but you do run the risk of being busted with a feather in your hand in the middle of the night and there will be questions. So use anything handy, like your own hair if it's long enough to reach, but if the snorer has long hair themselves you can use their own hair as a weapon against the snorer. I recommend being subtle about this too, you don't want to wake them suddenly holding a lock of their hair. Questions there too.
On a bad snoring night I may use one or all three of these tricks, but once you get the snorer on to their side you are going to need to keep them there or they will just roll back over and start up the sawing again. Here's my methods:
1) Knee behind butt. Or how about bones under butt. This is exactly what it sounds like, if they roll away from you which they most likely will since you are trying to create one inhospitable side of the bed for them, immediately bend one leg and put your knee just under snorers butt. They will try to roll over but will immediately be forced to not. Cause, uh, you're sleeping there man. I repeat, "you're sleeping there." You must never give away the fact that you're awake. Snore a little if you have to, you must make them believe you rolled into that position and are sound asleep. It doesn't have to be the knee, it can be any body part but the more bony, the better.
2) Sew a tennis ball in the back of his nightshirt. K I've never tried this, mainly because I prefer to be a sneaky bitch over an obvious one. And the poor, broken and defeated man that puts this hilarious looking shirt on, my best guess is the snoring is just the foamy head of a tall beer of deep seeded marital issues, but I still think it is a hilarious and most likely effective tool against snoring.
3) The "earthquake". If he's on his side and starts to turn back to a supine position, immediately start shaking the bed violently. I like to stay as still as possible while rattling the bed from my knees down. Again, don't give away the fact that you are awake. Stop the rattling as soon as he's even mildly roused, and again fake sleeping. Lie still. All he will know is that he must roll away from whatever is shaking over there, or it will backfire he will spring up in a panic thinking you are having a seizure, you must yourself decide if it's worth looking crazy or not, if it's 2am you're wide awake and work in the am, I would say it is worth it.
Like I said, you're welcome. I hope that you'll think of these tips the next time your snorer is keeping your eyes glued open and annoying the shit out of you.
BUT if these tips sound too mean, you can always grab some earplugs, go lie on the couch and read a nicer persons blog.
Nighty night sweet translucent angels.
-E.
