I like cancer blogs yes, but only ones that aren't' just a big pity party or sorry attempt at awareness, I like cancer blogs that have raw feelings put down with no filter for others sake.
This guy was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 17 and survived to go to medical school. His latest entry took words that were in me but I haven't been able to even find these last 3 years, and everything that he says about stereotyping cancer patients is 100% true.
Well I am not going to rewrite what he wrote, I'll just post ya the link. It is worth reading till the end.
Everyones experience with cancer is different, but a lot of things seem to be universal.
"Everyone says I am so brave but I don't feel brave."
Now I suppose for me, I don't think I felt brave or weak, I was almost stoic instead for the majority of the time. Some kind of survival instinct kept me calm. I don't hear this from every cancer survivor I've spoken with but I do hear it from some. For a lot of people the worst of it hits later, after all the surgeries and treatment, keeping your chin up for the sake of others, because they wouldn't want to know how you really feel. Cancer patients lie all the time when they say they are "ok" or "good."
It's just for you, so you don't have to feel uncomfortable, or sad, or helpless, because in my experience I didn't like seeing people afraid for me. It felt like one more thing I didn't have energy to worry about.
So much about the experience of cancer can affect loved ones more than the patient even especially during the time where you are waiting for surgery and treatment. Once I was on treatment I slept most of the time so I didn't have much time to think about my mortality but those around you are, even if you say you are fine.
I know that even though we don't have to, patients put on a facade for loved ones and strangers alike. You smile even though it hurts your face because you don't even have the energy to do that let alone raise your glass of water to your mouth and people can tell you are ill but because you are smiling you are badass.
Ok I would like to think I just am badass anyways and I would also like to think that slaying the cancer was all me, but the truth is I am just one of the lucky ones so far. I did my year of interferon. I had a team of great doctors. My body has fought off the cancer these last 3.5 years. That's it. I didn't kick cancers ass on my own.
There were plenty of badass, brave, strong, cancer slayers that are dead from their disease now.
One part about this entry I really relate to is feeling like others expect you to act grateful to have survived. When you look at the alternative, yes, you WILL feel lucky to be alive, thats a given, but inside I hate that I even had to have cancer at 27. I hate that I haven't gotten to live this part of my life like a normal young adult. I hate that I will always have that anxiety about every change in my body. Every lump and bump and every bad headache. The fear is living and real and if I had to choose the words on how I feel about this disease ripping my body and life to shreds for years I don't think the word "grateful" would be it.
"It's not easy being grateful for the worst thing that's ever happened to you..."
If you don't stand tall, smile, and proclaim you are grateful to be alive and that you're BRAVE, people look at you or will even say, "You should be more proud of yourself for that!"
It's not a personal achievement, it's the luck of the draw. Your string was not cut today, that is it.
You hope it won't be cut tomorrow either.
One thing that I've noticed is that life will never be the same, and the after effects of cancer are like rippling waves on sandcastles on the beach. You can build up, make progress to move away, get stronger, and then the tide comes in and dissolves your castle to nothing.
I'll probably always live with some fear, I'll always have anxiety about my health, I will always see the world and everything in it differently than most around me because of my melanoma. The one thing I can do is transcend, I can keep building my sandcastles. That is my choice in the end and no one else in the world can do it for me.
-E.
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