Here is the day me and my pal Jessor went to the glorious PUMPKIN MOTHERFUCKING WEIGH OFF!!!
I found out about it and immediately told all my friends and family that would listen, and anxiously awaited a good month and a half for this day, had pumpkin socks all ready to wear and a party planned after, because watching people weigh off giant freak vegetables really gets me thirsty for a good beer drinking binge with my buddies, who can all appreciate a big beautiful pumpkin.
Jess and I arrive in town and it appears there's no where to park, why? Because half of fucking Alberta is here to get in on this pumpkin party! It was fucking ridiculous. Searched for a spot for 20 minutes and once we did, we got out and started walking to where we saw people, but there was people everywhere. We asked a couple of bitchy locals (never ask an angry looking woman for directions, especially in a small town) where was the actual weigh off happening, and one nasty looking witch goes "Wayyyyyyyyyy on the other side of town in the agriplex, hurrrumphhh." Let me just quickly point out she was probably 300 pounds. Made it sound like we would have to get back in the car and drive a ways, but this is a small town, how far would we have to go?
Well we start walking back towards the truck and see a friendly looking firemen, and I say "Excuse me, where are they weighing off the pumpkins?" He says "follow me ladies I'm heading there right now!" Well Mrs. Mean fat and disgruntled meant 3 blocks when she said "across town." But what more can you expect from someone who probably drives the block distance to the grocery store?
We arrive at the pumpkin weigh off and this shit is NO JOKE. There's a Ferris wheel outside with food stands and a farmers market and we get inside this building and there's people up to the ceiling in there, farmers and kids, weirdos like Jess and I, I see my parents neighbors and a women we went to high school with, people dressed in all orange and even some kind of creepy pumpkin clowns, like I said. No joke.
We were a little late so I think we missed the heaviest watermelon and longest gourd, but fuck that, we came for the pumpkins goddammit! And pumpkins we got!
The boys in the orange jumpsuits carried some of the pumkins on stage with a moving blanket, up to about 600-700 pounds worth of pumpkin!
Shitty pic, but you get the idea.
Best part: we got to go pose with the freak gourds afterwards!!!! It was basically a dream come true.
JESSOR WITH SQUASH
Jessor with the runner up. This fucker weighed around 850 pounds of glorious pumpkiny deliciousness. But in the pumpkin world bigger is truly better, more to love. And I lovvvve me these huge ass pumpkins.
GIANT PUMPKINS ARE SO METAL!
Note the look on that child's face behind me. I was so excited I probably yelled something that offended her little ears and she probably didn't understand how an "adult" could get so excited over a huge pumpkin. Stupid kids.
Another big'in, this guy had to be around the 700 pound mark as far as I remember. The look on my face gets stupider and stupider as I get more and more drunk off the sight of these gigantic beautiful gourds.
Jessor creepily stroking the winner pumpkin. She weighed a hefty 1210 LBS!!!!!! That's right, over 1200 pounds of pumpkin! That's a real BBP or big beautiful pumpkin! Quite the sight to see in person.
Me and the winner. I live for moments like these. We went home with a deep sense of satisfaction. Them pumpkins did not fuck around. It was truly beautiful. I cannot wait for next year. If you want to come the more the merrier, next year I would love if someone wanted to drive me so I could partake in the beer gardens, where there was apparently going to be pumpkin moonshine. I left smiling knowing that there's a town that values pumpkins as much as I do. A town dedicated to pumpkins. The pumkin capital of Alberta, and it's right down the highway from where I live.
My life is fucking awesome.
-E.
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