Stevie Nicks writes lyrics I am so attached to.
This is all I've got today... this is a song I listened to since I was a young 19 year old but it makes more sense now.
-E.
Wednesday 29 May 2013
Tuesday 28 May 2013
My name is Hex, not Grace
HEX IN THA HOUSE!!!
Slighted intoximacated! I fuckin deserve it because I finished my studies of my first course and all the moodle quizzes with a 90% and booked my final today in a month
!
It's a celebration bitches!
This one has been on my phone a while and since I am apparantly posted wine memes it's going up.
YES IT'S IN FRENCH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE IT! :)
This is from tonight, my dad gave a me a bottle of a nice wine I enjoyed after finally finishing up all the notes before review and enjoy the mark I have right now- then there's the final... GAHHH
SO BOTTOMS UP WEIRDOS AND QUEERS!
NOW TIME FOR A LITTLE ANIMOSITY!
SHIT MY NAME IS HEX NOT GRACE, THIS ISN'T A PLACE WHERE WE... I MEAN I CENSOR.
BOTTOM LINE.
Now if you don't feel like listening to my bit of anger than change the channel and read a "family blog."
I'm a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit pissed off still about my lay off.
I get this is business this is how it works, but I can be as mad as I want about it, it was my career, it was something I built for myself starting at the coffee shop counter and it gave me a sense of purpose.
I found my niche in the business and felt great doing my job just about everyday. My father leaves for his illness and I was immediately given the chop, get your shit and go, there were outright lies circulating about me that hurt my feelings and left me feeling betrayed by people I wanted to further the business with, make this more than about great food and service, make it special, make it memorable. I believe I accomplished that in my time there and so I don't look back like I did the job inconsistently, EVEN when I was sick myself and was only there 3 days a week.
Everyone lets me get two words of frustration in before they say
FUCK EM! Don't worry about it, don't let it stress you.
Oh I reassure you it is not entirely stress because of course some of it is, you unexpectedly lose your job after 4 years, THERE IS GOING TO BE STRESS but it is mostly anger and bitterness, which I am allowed to have as long as I want.
The psyche can only stir angrily for so long before it costs you health and energy and vitality, but whats wrong with having a slam fest after the fact regardless of what you can do about it, you can let your anger pile burn a little while.
Ain't no shame.
This is an anger that pushes me forward, pushes me to be BETTER.
WHY IN HELL would I let my sad and angry feelings go by the wayside just to be "positive"?
Well fuck no, positive is how I live my life most days, in between:
Cancer.
Dealt with that like a champ.
Marriage failure.
Didn't let it stop me.
My fathers health.
Staying strong as I can for him.
Laid off.
It won't stop me either and I will be better, but my primary focus is SCHOOL and I am not working on a degree for 10 fucking years.
I may be 29 but I deserve a chance to be left alone about not working full time or in anything serious as a profession WHY? Because I a student now.
That's why.
Not even life will throw me off the track I'm really on, I will accomplish my dream and no one can stop me, nothing can stop me.
For a few weeks after something hard there is a seething, and either you let it burn inside to only fuck you over more OR you let it loose, not only with loose lips and fuck this guy and fuck that guy I hate this and that and the other thing, LIARS!
I channel my anger well, I have kept up an active lifestyle and if I start crying anger firery tears of hell bitch on wheels with an appetite for flesh in killing mode I go for a run, kick a soccer ball and pretend its so and so's balls.
Feels good.
I will ride out the wave and then I'll be fine.
Sometimes people don't understand it, and that is ok.
It is a good coping mechanism for me, exactly why I head to a metal show and crowd surf or a get a tattoo after something crazy and hard, I always do.
I can wear the tattoos and hold the memories of my killing of the dead horse again as my badge of honour.
So what's this entry,
POSITIVE?
NEGATIVE?
DRUNKEN?
A little of all the above my friends.
So yeah I would go kick boxing for more anger assault fantasies but my right leg isn't ready for that. It has improved a lot with physio and fitness but I am SOOOOOO not there yet, hence the soccer ball being assholes balls or bitches heads.
BOOOOOM! THAT'S THE SOUND OF MY SHOTTA!!!
Like I said, my name is Hex not Grace, and I'll be as crass as needed, hint about black magic to look crazy and make up very mean songs about the people who tossed me away.
They should feel lucky, I am using my sweet sweet vocal cords to dedicate Westboro baptist church style parodies that are obviously NOT "Baptist" in the least.
(If you wanna know why I hate that Church so much just google it.)
Getting anger out is fucking inmotherfukingportant godfuckingdammmmmmitttttt dirtyjesus onthe fucking crosssssss!
Whooo that was ruuuude!
Do whatever you have to that won't put you or anyone else you know in a vehicle with a spinning light on the top of it, do it in your mind, draw disturbing pictures in a childlike way to get your psycho out, because I believe if you hold it in, in will rot away at your internally and it will kill you.
There is a place to stop and that comes naturally.
I think people should heed my warning so they don't end up in the news and everyone who knew them goes:
HE/SHE SEEMED SO NORMAL!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT PERSON AT ALL!
Well that person kept it festering inside instead of firing off a few glass bottles against a wall or fantasizing about molotov cocktails.
There you go. Logic and reasoning from a half cut poor excuse for a writer!
TAKE CARE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU SHINY SHINY DARLINGS.
I leave you with an inspiring song that I like to parody, if you bring me a bottle of wine I might sing it for ya, however I want to spin it that day.
-E.
Wednesday 22 May 2013
This entry is starring Evie
SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP.
I waited to write until our little sunshine came out of the baby baker, aka womb of my sister in law, and here is my NIECE!!! YAAYYAYA!
Baby photobomb time!
Welcome to the world Evie!
PROUD GRANDPARENTS!
XCU of darling Evie
Looking precious and just witttttttllle
Love this picture, this pose she would search for boob.
Poppa and Evie.
Now I'm sure I'll be able to get pics of the proud parents Daley and Alicia later when they aren't so tired. Plus next time I'll get to see her she will be bigger.. her eyes will open up like a baby kitten.
I don't know if I've ever loved someone so much, she just makes my life happy, I am proud to be her auntie!
So yes my parents and I hung around all weekend dropping in between naps and feedings and passing her around, which she dealt really well with, every once in a while you think you see a smile or a stink eye but it's gas and the brightness of the world.
I can't wait to play with her and watch her grow.
I haven't forgotten the second new baby, my cousin Francesca and her husband Ryan's first,
FINN!
He's soooo cute, and loves to be in a diaper and nothing else.
Look at those blue eyes! They match his fluffy diaper!
So life has changed a lot and I haven't been able to blog about it all, May 1st I got laid off from my job after 4 years, won't lie it felt like a bit of a slap in the face... but I am not gonna get all bitter about it, it is what it is and if that was the direction the corporation wanted to take there is little I can do but shake hands and get the fuck outta there.
That's that! One paragraph because my severance sucked!
So here I am, what am I doing now?
School like crazy, prepping for a final, grooming dogs with my bestie than the restie John, and just trying to be cooooool.
Here's a quick photo montage of things that have been going on...
Enjoying our yard
Getting dirty at my bestie than the restie's shop grooming doggies a couple days a week!
This guy was a talker
Having rock n' roll evenings where we sing what we can and some of what we can't
More yard enjoyment
Ended up on a mural somehow with a couple queers I know...
Took this picture drunkenly deciding to attempt quit number 3000, hopefully it will keep me reminded that smoking is gross..
At the same time I am posing for pics trying to glamorize smoking..
Geez.
Well, that was a nutshell alright, in my fathers health news, he is awaiting his surgery still, gotta get him a bed... that will be June 16th I believe.. I could be wrong I'll have to double check.. but in a couple weeks he has to have a biopsy of the thyroid as well...
At this point it's the super annoying waiting room time as I think of it...
When you are waiting for a huge surgery its like, grab a ticket, some snacks and a good book or 10, some valium, a picnic basket, and several hobbies because you are going to be waiting.
It pisses me off but I also know this is just how the system works.
He is looking good and staying active, which will make a big difference.
I am of course going to fighting in my dads corner all the way through.
I am in that end stage of my recovery where I am actually active again, feel stronger and less exhausted, not so delicate and beaten up, and trying to shed a few of the gazillion pounds I gained since interferon ended, where anything or anyone could walk past me but I was focused on finding a Wendy's or a donair. I went well overboard on my eating, and decided for my health and of course my risk of diabetes has changed me around these last 7 weeks, and I feel a thousand times better sweating my ass off, reminding myself that sweat is fat crying, and punishing myself sometimes, but other days are easier, staying away from garbage take out and cooking most of the week, doing shit like burpees and yoga and pretending I'm running from angry zombies, that helps. Getting ready to rock out some skanky summer duds.
BOOM!
Well, dats dat for tonight, I am on a more normal schedule after a couple of nights in a beautiful hotel bed after literally having about 3 completely sleepness nights, not in a row but close, that was fucked up and made me vampiric, but I did a quick switch around after one particularly sleepless night and tiresome day, and I am back to the land of the living. Gotta get up early and be a productive human, maybe do some yoga... who the fuck am I?
Love ya shiny babies and pals. XOX
-E.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
Fuck cancer
Ok, here it comes...
Like word vomit...
FUCK!!!
Ok so I know I've been evasive with this blog therefore evasive with myself even because it's not the full truth until I can read it, and it is on the internet forever.
I couldn't blog this until enough people knew, family first and foremost and friends and co-workers and neighbours, it would have been wrong for me to even get on this blog before it was ok for me to say whats on my mind since that is what I do here at Hex in the city, and how do I sugar coat, positive spin, negative spin or twist this matter into anything else than it is...
The C word and not the fun one, the mean, horrible, nasty "friend" we all have in our bodies... has hit my hero, my best friend, my mentor and tie to my own deep inner self...
My daddy has cancer.
I said, there isn't going to be sugar coating and frosting on this one.
He already knows that I am now going to be dedicated to documenting and advocating for him in his fight with this cunt YEAH I SAID IT named cancer that happens out of the blue and selects randomly.
Every single key I am hitting right now is so hard, I hope I don't break my computer.
ANYWAYS
It has to be this way, I don't write from any technical training, mostly my own ability to spell and narrate, express what is my inner dialogue, which has been clogged in a way because somehow this stupid blog as my ex called it, helps me to cope with all the shit, because I just can't hide the beating heart I wear on my sleeve.
Basically there was an incident, a few weeks back, involving my fathers blood pressure, which I believe was another word vomit entry, and he had a couple x-rays that showed a shadow under his heart in his ribcage.
I immediately used my extremely healthy brand of veteran cancer patient skepticism, saying "it's nothing, shadows happen in x-rays all the time."
I'm certain I've seen shadows in my x-rays... at least, each x-ray looks different than the last...
So that was it I made up my mind that until my mother breaks the news to me, I take a look at the pathology report, forever trying to gain knowledge and gather as some kind of shield against this disease... solitary pulmonary nodule... doctor speak, doctor talk, doctor blah blah blah, well, I always want to know what those blah blah blah's mean, and I find out.
There is nothing more than for us to wait for this surgery which should be within a couple of weeks and hope for the best, cope with the shit, but I will not put any blinders on when it comes to this, I will be constantly looking and reviewing options for treatment, no matter what, I took my fight into my own hands and had too much in there, I was very good at putting a layer of sugar on it for others but I was at least very real with myself.
I think that I got my fighters spirit from my dad.
He's got it in him to fuck up cancer, just like me, I would like to think.
Leave behind, like me.
Though I wasn't alone in my fight, sometimes I felt totally alone.
No one around me had been through it themselves.
Nobody understands fully who hasn't been through it, it doesn't mean they can't care but it is impossible to completely understand unless you've been there yourself...
That said, I am going to keep this blog updated with my dads journey through surgery and recovery, and beyond. Whatever it brings, it brings. It's about facing it head on and making the most out of the time with your loved ones, which is an everyday rule, but it applies a little more when those you love are facing shit like this.
I won't go all Debbie Downer on you all though, don't worry.
My dad wouldn't want that, and I am not doom and gloom, I am aggressively positive, positively aggressive, but real, without any blinders on whatsoever.
So here we go...
DING DING!
It's fighting time.
Daddy, you will not face this alone.
Fuck cancer.
-E.
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