Fuck cancer

Ok, here it comes...

Like word vomit...

FUCK!!!

Ok so I know I've been evasive with this blog therefore evasive with myself even because it's not the full truth until I can read it, and it is on the internet forever.

I couldn't blog this until enough people knew, family first and foremost and friends and co-workers and neighbours, it would have been wrong for me to even get on this blog before it was ok for me to say whats on my mind since that is what I do here at Hex in the city, and how do I sugar coat, positive spin, negative spin or twist this matter into anything else than it is... 

The C word and not the fun one, the mean, horrible, nasty "friend" we all have in our bodies... has hit my hero, my best friend, my mentor and tie to my own deep inner self...

My daddy has cancer.

I said, there isn't going to be sugar coating and frosting on this one.

He already knows that I am now going to be dedicated to documenting and advocating for him in his fight with this cunt YEAH I SAID IT named cancer that happens out of the blue and selects randomly.

Every single key I am hitting right now is so hard, I hope I don't break my computer.

ANYWAYS

It has to be this way, I don't write from any technical training, mostly my own ability to spell and narrate, express what is my inner dialogue, which has been clogged in a way because somehow this stupid blog as my ex called it, helps me to cope with all the shit, because I just can't hide the beating heart I wear on my sleeve.

Basically there was an incident, a few weeks back, involving my fathers blood pressure, which I believe was another word vomit entry, and he had a couple x-rays that showed a shadow under his heart in his ribcage.

I immediately used my extremely healthy brand of veteran cancer patient skepticism, saying "it's nothing, shadows happen in x-rays all the time."

I'm certain I've seen shadows in my x-rays... at least, each x-ray looks different than the last...

So that was it I made up my mind that until my mother breaks the news to me, I take a look at the pathology report, forever trying to gain knowledge and gather as some kind of shield against this disease... solitary pulmonary nodule... doctor speak, doctor talk, doctor blah blah blah, well, I always want to know what those blah blah blah's mean, and I find out.

There is nothing more than for us to wait for this surgery which should be within a couple of weeks and hope for the best, cope with the shit, but I will not put any blinders on when it  comes to this, I will be constantly looking and reviewing options for treatment, no matter what, I took my fight into my own hands and had too much in there, I was very good at putting a layer of sugar on it for others but I was at least very real with myself.

I think that I got my fighters spirit from my dad.

He's got it in him to fuck up cancer, just like me, I would like to think.

Leave behind, like me.

Though I wasn't alone in my fight, sometimes I felt totally alone.

No one around me had been through it themselves.

Nobody understands fully who hasn't been through it, it doesn't mean they can't care but it is impossible to completely understand unless you've been there yourself...

That said, I am going to keep this blog updated with my dads journey through surgery and recovery, and beyond. Whatever it brings, it brings. It's about facing it head on and making the most out of the time with your loved ones, which is an everyday rule, but it applies a little more when those you love are facing shit like this.

I won't go all Debbie Downer on you all though, don't worry.

My dad wouldn't want that, and I am not doom and gloom, I am aggressively positive, positively aggressive, but real, without any blinders on whatsoever.

So here we go...

DING DING!

It's fighting time. 

Daddy, you will not face this alone.

Fuck cancer.

-E.