A little Yuletide hexing

I will begin by announcing that I finally watched 

The Human Centipede.

Now anyone that knows me knows I live for blood and gore, disturbing movies make me smile, The Exorcist turns my frown upside down on a shitty day.

But this movie, GODAMMIT this FUCKING VILE, disgusting, spawn of a sick SICK mind should have never been made, and I can never "un-watch" that stomach turning abomination.

I have never had such a hugely physical reaction to a movie, where I actually felt sick and recoiled in horror and disgust.

Hahahaha, now I've seen it all for sure.

No amount of liquor can make it go away.

Of course it is the Yuletide season and it was done up well, no bottle of wine unopened and a whole bottle of really good tequila down between my father and I.

As usual everyone was too distracted to take out a camera during all the action, but we did get a few end of the night very drunk off our asses shots!

This year I dressed as a Christmas present!

Jeff being a Christmas present!

My mother being a Christmas present!

My dad giving the metal horns for Christmas present glasses!

This is me Xmas day after I opened my PJ's from my mom and dad. 

A soft polka dot robe with a prize fighter hood, and a cutesie leopard print flannel night shirt. I love Pj's now, but before cancer treatment where I was always cold I was a naked sleeper, I figured the nakeder I am the less fabric there is to get wedged in places, plus for some reason I thought it felt so damn delicious to sleep unclothed.

I have been converted to a housecoat and slipper girl, and PJ'S!!!!! 

Spectacular Yuletide season, but over so fast.

Oh wait there is still NYE to get all fucked up and eat everything with a good excuse.

Christmas night after the tiring turkey dinner I returned home to THE BIG GAY MANSION (sometimes also known as "the rape house", don't ask me why) and we made the Yuletide extra Gay.

All my presents ruled, but two are precious and you cannot buy:

-A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH

-A NEICE OR NEPHEW ON THE WAY, we find out the sex of baby on Saturday!

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:

Pshhh lets all STFU and admit, we aren't stickin' to no resolutions.

Only the really easy ones, like, NOT making a resolution.

Buuuuuut, I did promise my parents I'd quit smoking before I turn 30 which is in 8 months, so I'd better smoke em while I got em cause I can't let mommy and daddy down, plus it's been my New Years resolution so many times now that I've had some training, well at least I know what to expect.

I'm going to smoke like a goddamm sailor for about 6 months, that way I'll be quit for my 30th birthday.

I know it's gonna hurt, it always does, quitting smoking feels like losing your right (or your left ) arm, it fucking sucks and you just long for your friend and confidant, the Laramie.

You feel bored and that Laramie used to fill that time. 

You feel like you're missing something when you have a coffee or a glass of wine, shit, any booze, you need it after strenuous amounts of anything especially eating, and it hurts, it hurts it hurts, but I gotta say I've had enough cancer for one lifetime and would prefer not to be the next Barb Tarbox.

(Seriously, Tarbox? How fucking unfortunate is that shit.)

Don't shake your head. I never claim to be PC on this blog.

BOOYAH!

Plus, I remember when I quit smoking successfully I was richer and felt better, all around.

It's nice to NOT hack up a lung in the shower!

So that's coming down the line, but like I said, until then I am gonna be Joe Camel and fuck you if you get in my way.

 I've quit smoking many a time and every time it sucks regardless of how much you smoked before.

Sorry that may have been a little harsh...

OH DEAL WITH IT.

Heart, smiley face, x-o.

Oh, and I do have another resolution, I am going to start working out and playing sports again.

Starting as goalie on an Indoor co-ed team in January, and I am so stoked to get back out there, balls smashing in my face, feet to the stomach, head to the goal post, bring it the fuck on.

I am currently eating butter bread and sour cream and can't imagine this will help me get a little more into shape anytime soon, especially living with three flabotagers who will bake all day just to make everyone in the house fatter...... any who, I want to be left alone with my sour cream and butter bread and watch me some Honey boo boo to hopefully dumb out some of that horrid movie I was subjected to earlier.

Plus a little swig o' spiced rum to help turn out the lights.

Thanks for reading shiny special babies.

-E.

Abnormally normal

So tonight was my last doctor's appointment of 2012!

Whooooooo!!!!

This time with my family doctor, who actually really gives a flying shitfuck about what's going on with everything about me, not just cancer.

So yes, I did get the all clear on any cancer or cancerous activity within my body, that's awesome. 

Problem with these PET scans is they can see EVERRRRYYYYYYTHIINNNNNGGGG.

More than you care to know about what's actually happening within the deep realms of your body.

Today was the first time I got hear about what else was going on in my body, apparently it is not up to Dr. Skin Creepin' Batshit Crazy to tell me anything other than any trace of Melanoma.

Well this scan said all kinds of craaaazy shit.

My doctor explained it to me but she has a thick Eastern European accent and also speaks in medical speak. 

I was like, ok, can I have the report and pictures?

You can have the report, we don't have the pictures.

Of course.

I want the goddamm m'fkn pics.

It took me most of the night to decode the report, all written in medical jargon, which read like Chinese or Greek really, until you google those words you've never heard.

Slowly I got to understand what the report was saying.

Well here's the list of things other than cancer discovered in me:

THE P.E.T/CT SCAN MENU

HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY!

FIRST COURSE

-Confirmed osteoarthritis in my hip

SECOND COURSE

-Shredded muscle in my thigh from surgery

THIRD COURSE

-Enlarged tonsils and very "mucosal" sinuses- gross I know- I already knew that.

FOURTH COURSE

-A small cyst on each of my ovaries, the largest being 3.2 cm on the right. This explains strange pain I've had on that side for years- TMI? Well yeah. Lady part probs.

FIFTH COURSE

-3 separate calcified nodules in my chest, non-cancerous but important to monitor for cancerous growth, fast growth, most likely caused by a "previous granulomatous infection"- caused by breathing in spores.?!

SIXTH COURSE

-Incomplete fusion of the anterior and posterior arch of C1 (From conception, not dangerous but abnormal.

DESSERT COURSE

-Another freakish and yet non-threatning abnormality is my left ventricle artery arises directly from the aortic arch.

BON APPETIT!

Trust me you don't ever wanna have one of these scans because it just tells you wayyyyyy too much.

I DO MY HOMEWORK!!!

Another and a little more frightening new problem is my blood pressure.

A normal person my age to about 45 should have an optimum blood pressure of 110 over 80.

Mine is currently 140 over 110.

Kinda fucking scary, and I need a blood pressure monitor. WEEEEEEEE!!!

My doctor told me to cut down on salt, which is weird because I don't cook with salt, I avoid heavily salted foods, salt just isn't my favourite.

I live like a carefree spirit but in fact inside I have anxieties over a lot of the stress I incurred, and I keep it inside. My doctor told me that enough of that.

Ok so doctors doctors doctors, that's been my life for goddamm motherfucking ever and I hated it at first but now I've become totally accustomed, it's like cashing a check or running to the grocery store. 

I do make a point to dress up for everyone now.

Greatest news besides no melanoma is that I don't have to see a cancer doctor for 6 months! TWICE A YEAR! PET/CT scans annually for 3-5 years.

WHATEVS!!!

I only looked more into the report so that I may be my own advocate, and understand where in my body I must watch for changes, and it makes you acutely aware of why things feel or change or whatever.

The menu of fucked up Erin parts doesn't really bother me that much, I'm ticking just fine and repeated throughout the report was:

NO ENLARGED OR AVID OR SOFT TISSUE NODULES ARE IDENTIFIED- *smile*,

and ended with:

Impression:

-No evidence of local recurrence of the right calf melanoma. Similarly, there is no evidence of regional lymph node or distant metastatic disease.

BOOOOOYAAAAHHHHH!!!!

MEOWWWW!!!

IN OTHER NEWS, BEFORE I HIT THE HAY:

TODAY I got my BLACK CRAFT CULT shirts, a cool dark brand from The OC!

Here is T-shirt of the day!

A Satanic kitty.

AWWWWWWWZZZZZZZZ!!!!

If you believe in Witchcraft check out their site.

Even if you don't, DO IT.

http://www.blackcraft.bigcartel.com

Thank you for reading, I love you shiny beautiful babies.

-E.

Winning

SSSSSSOOOOOO.....

This is for all the family and friends who read my blog but don't have Facebook, where I announced this morning:

-NO EVIDENCE OF LOCAL REOCCURRENCE OF MELANOMA

-NO EVIDENCE OF LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT

-NO EVIDENCE OF DISTANT METASTASES

IN LAYMEN'S TERMS:

NO CANCER OR CANCEROUS ACTIVITY!!!

I didn't tell anyone, but there was a suspicion of possible reoccurrence.

I have a cough that keeps getting worse, and of course oncologists and Dr. Batshit Crazy were preparing me for the worst outcome, and I was ready to hear there was more devil cells in me somewheres, and it is such a relief that I've made it to my two year anniversary. 

In the cancer world it is like graduating from remission to SUPER REMISSION!

Hitting 2 years is promising, there's a much better chance of it never ever coming back to fuck up my life ever again. 

For the first time in the last two years I feel a serious sense of peace, like this is actually starting to be behind me, not with me. 

I have to go have pizza and Jack Daniels now with my pals and celebrate my new status.

No new stage, just cured.

WINNING.

CRAZY HAPPY!!!

-E.

The obligatory and early cancerversary post

Being that it is 3 days from my cancerversary and also 12|12|12, and I believe the end of the world is in a couple of weeks, the zombies or jesus, (what's the difference anyways) are coming and perhaps and most likely complete anarchy... ya never know.

Just in case I filled a bunker full of nothing but guns and liquor, and only loved ones, psychopaths, expert marksmen and people who own crossbows, oh and a few good chefs, farmers with livestock and butchers are welcome.

Yesterday I had the special 2 YEAR CANCERVERSARY PRESENT....

A PET/CT SCAN!!!

I still don't have results, went to my doctors today and he said he had the images but couldn't read them, we have to wait for the radiologists report or some garbage of course, so I told the clinic girls with a smile that I'd be stalking them tomorrow.

Dr. Batshit Crazy aka Dr. Skin Creeper (Salopek) checked my skin and everything is good there, and he even remarked on how good I look, but he also mentions I look curvier.

Then once he's got be naked on the table, easy hey, in front of two male doctors, I must not have any shame left whatsoever, he admires my new tattoos and makes me show the other docs some of the other ones I have. 

He loved my sternum tattoo, the goat.

Then he pushes on my belly and whatnot and says, 

OH YES, YOU'VE GAINED SOME WEIGHT IN YOUR STOMACH FOR SURE!

I'm like, umm thanks.

ANYWAYS! My scan!!!!!! WEEEEEEE!!!

As a bonus I got a shot of radioactive shit that makes you feel like you just pissed your pants, kinda like you are having a huge hot flash.

Of course I come dressed up which is my signature now, whenever I have to go to the hospital I do full makeup and wear something flashy.

Yesterday it was a dress and high boots and a leather jacket, with big bitch glasses of course. Of course they made me change.

So here I am in my oh so glamourous in my gown and housecoat, I'm used to these things but they still seem gross and smell like death, and I am totally the perv who doesn't lace up the back, they're gonna undo it anyways.

Good thing they gave me the robe.

KEEPING CANCER METAL AS FUCK!

This is a WHAAA POOR ME picture.

 The needle nurse was a butcher stabber who hurt me so much in a spot I always get needles, the vein is good and numb too, so I refuse to have my left arm IV'd. 

When I woke up after my surgery and found it in my left hand I wasn't pleased.

I fell asleep and woke up to Miss Stabby Cakes and she took me to the biggest scanner known to man, the PET CT!

WEEEE! I go. Acting crazy to entertain the technician girls.

The were both redheads so I was like OOO I like redheads! 

Like a pervy lesbian which I am not really.

Then they were like are you claustrophobic?

I said loudly OH YEAH I MIGHT FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!!

They were taken aback and I laughed and said

NAW I'LL BE FINE! JUST KIDDIN' YA'S!

They laughed but obviously found me twisted.

Then they came in after the practice scan and said, 

ERIN, ARE YOUR NIPPLES PIERCED?

YUP!

I say. They laugh again. Not that weird but they were like WHAT'S THAT?

After the shot and the feeling of warmth and weirdness, dizziness and that feeling like you peed I fell asleep for the 2 hours I was being moved around this crazy tunnel thing.

Wake up, get the IV out and I am on my way.

I can't believe it's been two years since I was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma.

One thing I've discovered is that it is an ongoing thing, I thought that once my treatment and surgeries were over that cancer would be over. 

It never is, we are always completely loved by the evil cell named cancer, it is a part of all of us but our bodies are the battleground, and our bodies are incredibly resilient.

It has been 8 months since my treatment ended and I can finally say I feel normal again.

When I was finished I couldn't see how I could ever be normal again, and in many ways that is true, I will never be normal.

I am feeling pretty good about my scan results, which I will post tomorrow HOPEFULLY, but no matter what is going on I am prepared, I've had two years to get used to all the possibilities, all the risks, all possible outcomes.

It feels good to feel like Erin, but to also be stronger than ever before, with a new perspective of life.

-E.

Valeria Lukyanova

I FORGOT!!!

I've been meaning to post about her for a while.

I have been practicing this amazing woman's makeup, and my nose isn't skinny enough but I've been practicing contouring and will soon post my real life red head barbie pics.

I know she looks crazy, but she's just a great makeup artist and I love her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-NJSDnaQmE&feature=share&list=FLpMIfRIs2-_F11Yi4adYbqw

STAY TUNED!!!

-E.

It's really not ok

I have nothing but this song.

I dedicate it to someone I used to know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&feature=share&list=FLpMIfRIs2-_F11Yi4adYbqw

-E.

Seasons don't fear the reaper

This is an aimless blabbing kind of blog!

I'm listening to my roommates read internet dating personals and laughing until I have to pee. 

There are Santa Clauses that are closeted and hitting creapily on them on plenty of fish, with stuff like,

MMM, I WANT TO ARM WRESTLE YOU

Fucking disgusting! Creeeeeeeepyyyy!!!!

Is this what it is to date on the internet?

Never has been for me, but for others, whatever floats their boat I suppose.

On a less creepy note, but one that may anger some Edmontonians:

I FUCKING LOVE WINTER!

I get to wear boots and sweaters, wool hats, scarves and stockings.

Wool everything.

Except my underwear.

I HAVE worn wollen underwear before though, real wool underwear.

My mom swears she never made me wear it but how the hell could I forget that feeling of bulky wool in my crotch? How?

To much info?

Too bad! This is my blog!

I didn't start this blog to talk about others, this shit is alllll about me babe.

So yeah, don't go as far as wearing wool underwear, or making your children wear it, cause let me tell you, if you have an "accident" in those woolies it feels like goddamm hell.

I'm getting off track. I do love winter. My car gets warm fast, I get to wear boots and be all cozy, it's now my favourite season.

Plus I whined so much this summer about being hot, I really really really hate being hot.

For this reason I don't see myself taking tropical vacations, I have no interest in a beach in Mexico or The Dominican or any other country where you sweat all the time. 

Forget it.

Plus I have grown to be comfortable with the dryness out here, I like NOT being clammy and sticky, and having to take 2 or more showers a day!

Of course winter has its drawbacks, your car gets stuck in the unplowed shitty streets of Edmonton, the bus never comes, the roads are slippery and it can be as goddam cold as a witches snatch.

Thing is every season has annoying things!

Summer heat can make you crazy, it can burn your skin and increase your chances of melanoma, its so dry your nose bleeds or it's so hot you have to lie naked in a cold shower for two hours and you have no energy from being so goddam hot.

Autumn is beautiful and I love it too, but the frost comes to kill your tomatoes, and if you don't rake up those leaves you'll have a mouldy ass mess to clean up come summer.

Plus people never throw their pumpkins out till spring.

SPRING SUCKS because the allergies, oh fuck the allergies.

If I could sleep in a Benedryl induced coma from March-June I would, the allergies overwhelm me. They make me irritable, rude, annoyed and bitchy, I sound sick and everyone goes

OOOOHHH YOU'VE GOT A NASTY COLD!!!

Then I say

NAW JUST ALLERGIES.

It gives me a cough and yeah I smoke, but the allergies cause it more and differently too.

Then I get really mad when someone goes

YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN ON THE SMOKING

Different things come to mind when I'm told this, like:

YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN ON THE DQ

YOU SHOULD SLOW YOUR FUCKING ROLL

SHUTUP AND MIND YA BUSINESS

Getting off track here, I love winter.

I really hate when Albertans bash the Province and the weather, if you don't like it get the fuck out is what I think.

Go live in the Florida fucking keys.

Do you know that more than half of this country is uninhabitable?

This is CANADA! 

Shut up whiners.

Deal with it or move to the equator and sweat all day.

That's all I have to say for now, gotta put on my wool underwear and drink more wine.

-E.