Dr.'s orders

Dr. Seuss was a wise wise man.

I've had this as my phone backround for a while, so I can remind myself to be Erin, 

and all the sides within myself- because  I've got em. I used to think I was just one multifaceted person and that may be partially true, mainly because no psychiatrist has even diagnosed me with multiple personalities.. But they are there.

Warning I could switch from 1st person to 3rd throughout this entry.

Sometimes when I'm uncomfortable around certain people, or feel judged, I can't totally be myself. So I fall back on my reserved personality named Enigma.

Now you're like, really?! Oh this bitch is crazier than I thought, enigma?!

Yeah that's what I wanna call her. It only makes sense. Enigma is:

1) quiet

2) shy

3) mysterious, always mysterious

4) spineless

5) too trusting

6) PC 

All these things are the opposite of who most think I am, but they are in there. It's all socially accommodating traits that are there to not rock the boat, and the reserved part of her is the protective armor I sometimes wear, but overall I'm not a huge fan of her.

She is usually only present for certain people and situations. She is a mask I put on sometimes, and sometimes I immediately shed the mask and other times I put it back on everytime I see the person or I'm in the situation that calls for Enigma. 

When I party or shoot jagermeister, which isn't that often nowadays but it does happen a couple times a year, my party personality takes over and her name is Hobbema Valentine. I got the name after a very intoxicated camping trip where I took a wrong turn on the highway (the next day sober, she's not a drunk driver) and ended up in Hobbema. When she takes over she fucks shit up. She's fun but potentially violent, you definately want to party with her but you also don't want to step on her toes.

She is a force of nature, and doesn't stop till the barn burns down. She is:

1) drunk

2) fun but scary, like a roller coaster 

3) fucker-upper-of-shit

4) self destructive

I don't totally know Hobbema because she is an entirely different person, she takes over like a demonic possession. She also gets kicked out of a lot of gay bars, but usually the gay to do it hugs her and says "sorry I don't want to, but my boss is making me cause you've had too much babe" She doesn't tell me much and when I wake up the next day and she's gone, I've got a wicked hangover to show for it, and have to take responsibility for her wild behavior. I try to not let her out much.

Then there's Hex. She is the one who writes this blog. She is powerful enough to take over and has before, but nowadays she's a big part of "me" but not overwhelming the other sides too much. She's the one that Enigma wants to hide, Erin goes to for reassurance, and Hobbema speaks for. She is:

1) not giving of a fuck

2) a little angry 

3) powerful

4) strong in her convictions

5) "rude"

6) without fear

It is Hex's lack of fear that has kept all of us going during some times of my life, especially with my melanoma battle. Hobbema can't handle it because she would just self destruct, Enigma is a little too insecure to handle fear as well as Hex, and Erin? Geez I don't even know what she's doing when shit hits the fan. Letting Hex take over is what she's doing. 

Hex gets herself in trouble sometimes, but Hex doesn't care, when she offends someone by saying what she wants she only shouts louder. Enigma is too weak to stop her. Hex will be the one to intervene on bad relationships and bad situations- ones where Enigma suffers pain. Hex says what she thinks and feels and has zero tolerance for bullshit. Hex will not be censored and Hex is hated by some who usually are trying to keep up some kind of appearance, and usually judge others. Hex isn't gonna stop for them when she won't even stop for Enigma, who sometimes cringes at Hex's actions, because they are slightly brazen, but in the end they serve us all best.

Hex will go to war and drag the rest of us out alive.

Erin isn't a separate personality, she is just a mix of these three personalities, with some of her qualities unique to just Erin. Those qualities are:

1) heart on sleeve

2) sensitive 

3) caring and considerate

4) off beat

5) happy    

6) glass half full

Erin is hyper sensitive when it comes down to it. She takes most things  seriously and doesn't understand when others don't. She can be wounded and even jaded, but always strives to be as positive as possible. She can see the postive side of the melanoma, or anything else hard in life. She can look for approval for the sake of harmony and social ease but when she doesn't get it Hex can take over the situation, and she keeps pressing on. She exists with little to no prejudice and is baffled by it in others. She is pretty peace loving but has a pretty strong spine, and will disturb peace to preserve her heart and her loved ones hearts. Hex taught her well.

Erin is a bit of a vessel for these different personalities, but she's realized that there is no silencing Hex, and there's no changing Enigma. Hobbema is just the wild card, but even Erin will take responsibility for her, even if it isn't really Enigma or Hex. She just lets them play their part in her life, and all of us in here get to be a part of Erin. 

Maybe all of this sounds batshit crazy to you, but to us it's normal, it's right, it's our life. You've got your own personalities too, demons many call them. They aren't demonic, they are innate, a part of you. Embrace them. All of them will thank you if you can thank them. 

And I thank you, those who understand this conglomerate of different people inside me. You mean more to me than anything else in the world. Without you all we would have nothing to live for. Without those who oppose us we would have nothing to fight for, nothing to identify as. So thank you all.

May you embrace your inner Hex,  love your inner Enigma, and let that Hobbema out of the cage from time to time.

-E.