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HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13th!

My lucky day. 

It's also the full moon, which only happens on Friday the 13th about every 30 years or so...so my dark familiars are stir crazy. It's 11pm and the sun is just going down now, but I'm staying up to see the moon. I love the power of a full moon, I believe it stirs my creative juices and feels like a new beginning.

Watch out for them full moon Friday the 13th werewolves, oh and of course Jason.

-E.

Sandcastles

I'm going to get all Cancerella on you here. 

I like cancer blogs yes, but only ones that aren't' just a big pity party or sorry attempt at awareness, I like cancer blogs that have raw feelings put down with no filter for others sake. 

This guy was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 17 and survived to go to medical school. His latest entry took words that were in me but I haven't been able to even find these last 3 years, and everything that he says about stereotyping cancer patients is 100% true.

Well I am not going to rewrite what he wrote, I'll just post ya the link. It is worth reading till the end. 

http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/im-not-brave-or-strong-because-i-beat.html

Everyones experience with cancer is different, but a lot of things seem to be universal. 

"Everyone says I am so brave but I don't feel brave."

Now I suppose for me, I don't think I felt brave or weak, I was almost stoic instead for the majority of the time. Some kind of survival instinct kept me calm. I don't hear this from every cancer survivor I've spoken with but I do hear it from some. For a lot of people the worst of it hits later, after all the surgeries and treatment, keeping your chin up for the sake of others, because they wouldn't want to know how you really feel. Cancer patients lie all the time when they say they are "ok" or "good."

It's just for you, so you don't have to feel uncomfortable, or sad, or helpless, because in my experience I didn't like seeing people afraid for me. It felt like one more thing I didn't have energy to worry about.

So much about the experience of cancer can affect loved ones more than the patient even especially during the time where you are waiting for surgery and treatment. Once I was on treatment I slept most of the time so I didn't have much time to think about my mortality but those around you are, even if you say you are fine.

I know that even though we don't have to, patients put on a facade for loved ones and strangers alike. You smile even though it hurts your face because you don't even have the energy to do that let alone raise your glass of water to your mouth and people can tell you are ill but because you are smiling you are badass. 

Ok I would like to think I just am badass anyways and I would also like to think that slaying the cancer was all me, but the truth is I am just one of the lucky ones so far. I did my year of interferon. I had a team of great doctors. My body has fought off the cancer these last 3.5 years. That's it. I didn't kick cancers ass on my own.

There were plenty of badass, brave, strong, cancer slayers that are dead from their disease now.

One part about this entry I really relate to is feeling like others expect you to act grateful to have survived. When you look at the alternative, yes, you WILL feel lucky to be alive, thats a given, but inside I hate that I even had to have cancer at 27. I hate that I haven't gotten to live this part of my life like a normal young adult. I hate that I will always have that anxiety about every change in my body. Every lump and bump and every bad headache. The fear is living and real and if I had to choose the words on how I feel about this disease ripping my body and life to shreds for years I don't think the word "grateful" would be it.

"It's not easy being grateful for the worst thing that's ever happened to you..."

If you don't stand tall, smile, and proclaim you are grateful to be alive and that you're BRAVE, people look at you or will even say, "You should be more proud of yourself for that!"

It's not a personal achievement, it's the luck of the draw. Your string was not cut today, that is it.

You hope it won't be cut tomorrow either.

One thing that I've noticed is that life will never be the same, and the after effects of cancer are like rippling waves on sandcastles on the beach. You can build up, make progress to move away, get stronger, and then the tide comes in and dissolves your castle to nothing. 

I'll probably always live with some fear, I'll always have anxiety about my health, I will always see the world and everything in it differently than most around me because of my melanoma. The one thing I can do is transcend, I can keep building my sandcastles. That is my choice in the end and no one else in the world can do it for me. 

-E.

A Sunday rant

I feel a RANT coming on!

Maybe it's the Lockup marathon on MSNBC I've been watching but I'm feeling irate about the world and the shit people do and say. That's not new but I can't always channel all that anger into this blog or people would think I'm totally psycho. Also I don't always have time to write when there's a bee in my bonnet.

FIRST OF ALL and this one may be make some say WTF but this is my fucking blog and you are welcome to write your own WTF blog. 

If you know me, my bestest friend I've ever had in my whole life and the only one I know will be by my side no matter what is gay. Ok that's just him like saying, "my best friend is a heterosexual." Well he would most likely call me a breeder but that's really a joke between me and my bestie.

If the subject of sexuality comes up, and I'm talking about my best friend I will absolutely mention that he is gay. But I rarely just say "John's gay" I'm more likely to say "my best friend and his boyfriend" and let people figure it out on their own. 

What drives me crazy is people "bragging" about having gay friends. It's like they think they won the tolerance prize and almost wear that gay as an accessory. 

This weekend is pride and I'd love to be celebrating with my bromosexuals, but living an hour away and having to return a few hours later doesn't make it easy to show up at the parade and inevitably end up in the beer gardens. 

This time of year is when everyone wants to brag about having a gay friend. Suddenly a gay aquiantence becomes their "gay bestie" and you hear the word gay gay gay over and over again and Facebook is just an awkward place to be. 

He's your FRIEND not your GAY FRIEND.

That pisses me off. You know these people put the G word in front of the word friend want to:

1) look cooler because if a gay man will be seen with your ugly ass you must be beautiful. This just simply is not true.

2) Make you believe you are not a bigoted piece of shit. You could very well be full of hate but use one "normal gay guy" as your mask of tolerence. I hate hearing that word out of self named "fruit flies."

By the way the word is defined as:

tol·er·ate

ˈtäləˌrāt/

verb

1. allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference.

   "a regime unwilling to tolerate dissent"

   synonyms:

   allow, permit, condone, accept,swallow, countenance; More

   • accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance.

     "how was it that she could tolerate such noise?"

     synonyms:

     endure, put up with, bear, take,stand, support, stomach, deal with

Ok now of course there is the flip side where all you can sometimes hope for is "tolerance". I get it. But I have been working with, friends with and around gay men for a long time, and haven't seen one straight man outwardly discriminate against a gay man once. There has been the rare one who made cruel jokes about a gay man behind his back, but no more than women deemed sluts or fat or fat sluts or "weird" guys that look like they sit in front of a computer jacking off all day and wash their hair once a month... People will find a way to make jokes or discriminate about just about anyone. 

I think overall today's society is pretty blind to things like ones sexuality, but if you ask me "tolerence" is not the word I want to hear used. I don't know what I'd rather hear but "tolerating" isn't enough. 

We need to blend together without worrying about who likes to suck dick and who doesn't. It's really no ones motherfucking business anyways.

Ah that feels good. Seriously though now people, can we just relax and stop making people wear labels? It's bullshit.

I myself have been labeled by a few people here and there for my penchant for heavy metal music. It's almost like a stigma. Here's a list of the things people have said to me about my taste in music and my response to it:

1) How can you listen to that isn't it mostly just noise?

 

"I don't like noise, I like music."

Then they get a scared look on their faces and say:

2) But aren't all the lyrics about death, mutilation, murder and satan? I can't even understand what they are screaming!

"I thought you couldn't understand what they are saying?"

3) aren't  all the lyrics super negative and angry?

"Yeah I'm sure some of em are, but I'm not exactly there to read too deeply into the lyrics, I like virtuoso musicianship and some of today's best musicians play metal, and a band could have lyrics about baby killing but if the guitarist can shred ill probably buy their record."

This next one actually made me mad, and this is a real quote from an ignoramus who will remain nameless:

4) You are what you listen to and if you listen to "negative" music you are a negative person. 

"So if you listen to douchey music, or fake music with no real instruments, does that make you a fake douche?"

Infortunately in that persons case they really were the music they listened to.

What about people who listen to gangsta rap more than anything else? These people have no business saying shit all about metal lyrics. A lot of the music they listen to is about pimping, selling drugs, killing people and objectifying women, so what does that make them if their music defines who they are as a person?

Overall my taste in music doesn't affect most people's opinion about what kind of person I am, but some actually define me by my taste in music. Get over it. Some of my music you may really not like, but how in fuck is that my problem? There's no need to confront me on it. Its not I listen to metal to piss you off. I ask that you shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself what horrible negative music I listen to, and go troll somewhere useful, like the westboro baptist church of zealots or something. But you probably are a wannabe member of that cult if you hate my music that much.

 

Oh I dislike a lot of music myself, but never have written off an entire genre because of a few horrible representatives.  I don't love ALL metal ever written just as I don't love all classical music I've played on my violin. It is all completely subjective. I have songs from all kinds of genres. I have Leonard Cohens discography and know all his songs. I have some Dolly, some Mariah, some Yokam, even some Britney. All serve their purpose in my iTunes library.

One genre I believe has become totally bastardized and pretty much ruined is country music. It used to be about pure and stunning vocals and fun inventive fiddle, and deep guitar you can feel in your gut, something could affect your emotions and make you feel at home, but today's country is the worst shit on the planet I'm sorry. Some country singers are mixing rap and pop and then throwing a dash of "rock n roll" on top of it, and I shudder when I hear Toby Keith's voice. And when I see his face I shudder again.

I hate it, but you'll never hear me start a debate with all "new" country music fans about their choice in music. Just because you listen to music that is pretty much all about chevys, women in tight jeans and 

Red solo cups doesn't mean you are a redneck Toby Keith wannabe. Or does it?

Maybe those ignorant idiots want to be Toby Keith and sing like tools but that ain't my problem. 

I really don't give a shit enough to slap labels on people's foreheads. It takes time and zeal which I just do not have. I can think of better ways to spend my time. What matters to me is the quality of the person inside the T shirt of their favorite band, regardless of the genre. 

That's my moral message for the year. 

May you listen to whatever you want and have sex with whoever you want. Just no barnyard animals, children or dead people. There's no way I can "tolerate" that.

http://youtu.be/aC6CPwu0I44

-E.