FuckUnicorn

Yes, really.

A rare yet colorful specimen, the fuckUnicorn.

So magical.

-E.

VD

Happy VD from your favorite psychopath!

 

-E.

New year, new pet peeves

Oh heyyy! 

New year, new issues. New Years resolutions are sad for me to make at this point, they don't seem to stick. The one weird thing is that I AUTOMATICALLY go into NYR mode, and half way through feb I realize I've been doing good things for myself, little things, like eating proper meals and drinking lots of green tea, the gym and even yoga cause now that I'm 30 I get stiff. Also I'm restless and overfed after Christmas debauchery, you literally get force fed. You must eat alllll of that, if you don't you're weird or anorexic. I betcha I drank 3 bottles of baileys to myself over November and December. Yikes.

 I don't want to call it an NYR or post shit all over the internet about how skinny I'm gonna get get or how it's day 4 no smoking! 

Did that already years ago, and it's something you have to be accountable for, and not many can be accountable to 500 Facebook friends or Instagram followers.

I don't want to see your weight watchers meals ok. With 100 fucking weight loss hashtags. #eatingRight #cleanEating #weightlossGoal #fitFam

Take your pictures to a fucking weight watchers meeting if you want a pat on the back.

It annoys me that us women are giving up all our secrets that way. Whatever happened to being effortless, to an extent of course. When you're going through a dramatic body change I think it's great to share your progress. I just don't need to see every single cleanse, meal and your personal weight loss app screen shot or whatever. I see this all over Facebook and I can't even look at the thing anymore. Show us 40 pounds down yes! But I don't wanna see what you're eating today, k thanks.

Ugh so what's next. 

Here's a new one! I love my job, seriously. I do love working with women all day and making them feel beautiful. I do it well and I know it, it's my calling. But there are some downsides to working with the public, especially when having to make conversation as a major part of what I do. I work in a suburban community full of soccer moms and so kids often come up in getting to know the client. Most of these moms ask if I have children, some just assume. Like they go:

How many kids do you have? With a clueless "aren't children wonderful" smile on their ignorant self absorbed faces. Of course I tell then no, no children. How I say this depends on my mood and how much I dislike the client. If I leave it at that you're lucky. If I tell the truth they will be embarrassed. When did it become ok to be so fucking presumptuous?!

Here's a true story from Saturday. The most recent event of hundreds. 

I'm doing a facial for an old bat who started off talking about how much she hates women who wear makeup. I'm hovering over her with liquid liner and mile long lashes and a sudden desire to dump product in her eyes. I can see we are gonna get along swimmingly.

Then this actually happens. 

She asks me how many days a week I work. Weird question but I say five.

Then it leads to do you ever work more cause she often worked six in her day.

Wtf.

No, I said, I can't work six days a week. I tell her I was very ill a couple of years ago and I can't afford to overdo it, so sometimes I let myself work four days.

Her face twists up.

Do you have kids? She goes.

I'm trying to stay calm. This fucking question again.

No. I say, with a hard period.

Are you married? She asks ignorantly again. 

Here we go, it's coming out. 

This is what I told her, in the most cheerful tone I could muster without sounding fake.

Actually yes I'm still married, but we've been separated quite a while and starting the divorce thing, and kids, I can't have them for a few years because I had cancer, and pregnancy raises hormone levels and that can bring about a reoccurance.

That put her in her place fast.

Sometimes I may say, oh no not yet!

Or even, no kids, I hate em!

Whatever I feel like saying back to that. 

Maybe motherhood isn't for me, how do they know that? It is one of the rudest things you can say to a woman. I'm just tired of the question. There is so much pressure from society to be married and have children, and when you're not some women look at you like they are sad for you. I think we all need to consider so many things. That woman may not be able to have children and has tried, and that question could ruin their day. She may be barren. That person may be happy with their childless lives and may admit they are too selfish for children, which I commend by the way, because we have to be true to ourselves. In my case it's a little of everything. I'm not ready for kids. I sometimes dislike them. And yes, my melanoma is something I would have to consider. It may sound sad to some very self absorbed women who truly had no identity of their own before children, but it's ok with me. I'm happy I didn't bring a child in the world when I was married. I'm going with the flow man. I don't need a child to validate my existence! I have an adorable niece! Have you seen her lately?!!!

Like really, what more do I need?

That's two pet peeves down and I've been typing for an hour, and we really have barely scratched the surface, but they are centered mostly around driving, parents and ill mannered children, social networking shit and dumb people. I find I'm much less irritable outside of the city, not to say I don't want to be in the city but living around people can be annoying. I work with em all day and it sometimes feels like the only way to escape "people" everywhere in your view you need to live in the corner of a basement like I do, with pillows on the windows. I've had someone unwanted drop by and actually knock on my window, shattering my feeling of security in my basement nest, so those pillows went up. I am never there in the day anyways, so who cares about sunlight. 

Out in the Styx no one is peering into your window from the bus stop. The recluse in me loves the privacy. No judging eyes darting in the glass, no nosy neighbors and no mean old lady next door. 

I guess hex is in the city, cause that's where I find most of my annoyances. 

Well thanks for checking in friends, family and stalkers alike. May you not be annoyed today. 

-E.